First let me start by apologizing for this delay. I’ve been a bad blogger. You start off blogging about this show, then people want to watch it with you, then you become the dude with Bachelor viewing parties every Monday, then you can’t get people out of your place in time for you to write a recap before the rooster crows, then you have to go to your real job that pays real money. So, please, if you like what you read, please forward to your friends, or LIKE my Facebook Page so I can afford to do this with more regularity. Thank you, as always.
On to the Good Stuff aka Kelsey Still Convulsing
We start this week with the exciting conclusion of a crazy girl hyperventilating on the floor.
Kelsey lays sprawled out, wailing cries of pain that sound strikingly similar to her psychotic, phony laugh. Typically when somebody may possibly be seizing on the floor, their roommates tend to come to their aid. But on The Bachelor, the other girls sit and finish their Shirley Temples. Most likely because everybody thinks Kelsey is faking this as a tactical move. Kaitlyn describes, “There is something in the air. Bitches be crazy.”
Kelsey receives some oxygen, answers the paramedic’s question about some brownies, and gives a definitely-not-dying wish to talk to Farmer Chris. “I’m definitely getting a rose tonight,” Kelsey brags through her unnecessary breathing apparatus.
Crazy Kelsey returns to the ladies with a Cruella de Ville fur that I wouldn’t be surprised to find out she got from kidnapping an actual group of puppies. She explains how she was overwhelmed, fainted, and said “so many delirious things,” like answering a question about the brownies when she was asked to talk about the brownies. So delirious.
In the Royal Rumble of love that is The Bachelor, this is a solid move by Kelsey. I mean, really what’s scarier? The clinical, gloved hands of emergency medical technicians touching you inappropriately or the cold, painful anguish of forever-loneliness? The only thing scarier than the lonely alternative would be if a pissed off Ashley I or Carly stabbed Kelsey with a broken wine glass. Which they really might.
“Having the emotional connection that we did on the tile floor with an oxygen mask, basically, I can feel in my heart, I am the woman that he is going to fall in love with and marry. And today is the day that signifies it all.” That’s the first truly delirious sounding thing Kelsey has said.
Change of Pace Beginning of Episode Rose Ceremony
“If Kelsey gets a rose, I feel like I might spontaneously combust,” admits Carly. Well, that’s certainly harder to fake than a panic attack.
Possibly Deaf and Mute Samantha speaks on camera, and now I might spontaneously combust. Turns out those are the first and only words Samantha is going to say on this show as she goes home without a rose. Possible Pothead Mackenzie is also going home to spend some much needed time grooming Kale. Her son, not, like, watering the vegetable.
That means Kelsey got a rose and we all get at least another hour and forty-five minutes with a psychotic, suspected serial killer (suspected by me, at least) who has a way to chipper demeanor about her dead husband and, in her normal life, guides America’s youth.
First One-on-One: Becca
Turns out this show isn’t all virgins, widows and insecure cruise ship singers who probably dated gay guys pitting their personal demonas against one another for kinda-love. Occasionally, they date.
This week, those dates will be in Deadwood, South Dakota, where the number one tourist site is a picture of presidents carved in a rock. Chris is psyched, “This is the Wild West!” The Wild West used to be duels and carriage robberies, but apparently modern day Wild West is wayyy less rugged.
Chris is looking forward to seeing the girls’ “Wild West side,” which if it means they also pose in tubs, I’m looking forward to it too.
Farmer Chris is most anxious to see Becca’s as she gets the first date card, “Let’s give love a shot.”
Kelseys pissed. “You see this face. I’m not happy. That is not ok.” I get the feeling that Kelsey being a snot is going to become a theme in this episode.
Chris and Becca meet each other in a field of wheat because don’t you forget for a second that Chris loves the outdoors. In case you’ve forgotten, Becca is also a virgin, not just in the textbook definition of things, but also as in the only girl that hasn’t kissed Farmer Chris yet. Chris says that he “doesn’t care” that they haven’t kissed, but he repeats it so often it’s clearly the only thing on his mind.
Horses appear in the woods, and Becca has never ridden a horse because her “nothing between my legs” policy must be far-reaching. She’s a natural horse-rider and they have a natural connection, blah blah, boring boring, back to ganging up on Kelsey.
Back at the house, Carly, Kaitlyn and Whitney hold a crap-talking party about Kelsey while drinking wine in the early hours of the day.
Lives are so free and easy on The Bachelor.
Whitney calls out Kelsey for acting weird before the rose ceremony, roping in everybody’s sympathy with a panic attack, then saying she should’ve gotten a rose for her theatrics. And beside that one incident, she’s snotty, condescending, and rude. All seem like legitimate reasons to dislike a girl.
Kelsey has a different opinion, “I get it. I am blessed with eloquence, and I’m articulate, and I use a lot of big words. Because I’m smart.”
Back cooking kabobs over a campfire with Chris and Becca, Chris brags, “Tonight’s fantastic and it’s because Becca’s… fantastic.” I think Chris could use some of Kelsey’s vocabulary.
Despite Becca being nervous that all of America and her dad will see her kiss because “nobody wants their dad to see them kiss!” once she gets the rose, the two finally lock lips.
Group Date: “Let’s Make Sweet Music Together”
This group date card is big because whoever the remaining two not on the group are have to go on the dreaded two-on-one will have to go home to the horrible fate of dating dudes that don’t make out with dozens of others right in front of them.
The group date card is addressed to Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, and Meghan. STOP THE PRESSES! That means that the two-on-one will pit together Crazy Kelsey and Kardashian Ashley I. in what is the Bachelor-equivalent of Mayweather versus Pacquiao.
First, though, these girls have to make “sweet music.” In the country, the girls are tasked with writing Chris a country love song. To help them, Big and Rich are here to help. And holy crap, I actually heard of this band! “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy” might be one of the few country songs I actually turn the volume up for.
Big and Rich offer their cooky song-writing consultation to all the girls, except for Cruise Ship Singer Carly who bashfully admits, “I kind of do write songs a little bit.” Carly hasn’t been this confident since she chugged goat milk.
Jade is the other side of that coin, though, and admits she’s “on the struggle bus.” Well, there’s your answer Jade! “Struggle Bus” is a great country music song title. Instead, Big, or maybe Rich, gets her to run through the streets pumping their liberated fists and screaming “I’m going to speak my song!” I’m no expert Big, or maybe Rich, but she’ll do better if she sings it.
Britt and Chris embrace among the song-writing to say they miss each other. She says she feels bad kissing him in front of the others, and he reassures her she can get away with a “quick one.” Farmer Chris is historically bad at not doing PDA in front of the other girls. These aren’t your farm chickens, Chris, quit acting like an animal.
The girls all get each others’ attention to look at their romantic embrace. Jade goes from liberated to watching this smoochie-face-fest, “It’s hard to write a love song about somebody when he’s clearly really into somebody else.”
Well too bad, Jade, and other girls. You better have written a love song anyway. Farmer Chris did, even though he’s clearly not a country star. Rich, or maybe Big, agrees, “Being a farm boy from Iowa, he’s not wearing a farm boy from Iowa boots or pants. I mean, did you see the fancy shoes and tight jeans?!?”
He does an ok job cooing through his ballad, which wasn’t the worst thing ever other than rhyming “wife” with “wife.”
Britt is the first to go of the girls, and seems nervous, but then sings like a cowgirl boss, even looking at the possibly part-time-homeless banjo player like he needs to keep up. Whitney comes up next and her baby-voice doesn’t get any more charming in song. Kaitlyn, always the G, raps about “sippin’ on whiskey!” Meghan does a formidable job.
Then Cruise Ship Singer Carly asks Chris to accompany her on stage because this is her moment and she knows it. Her song is artful and intimate, so much so that Kaitlyn admits, “I was almost in love for them.”
So here comes Jade, probably after a couple more laps of liberating fist pumps. It’s not good, but it’s not horrible. Everybody that’s super scared of singing always learn that nobody throws tomatoes at a karaoke singer.
The night date comes, everybody toasts and this is the first time I’ve witnessed people karaoke before they got drunk.
Farmer Chris takes Jade aside first because she was clearly the most nervous. She must have found her courage now though, telling Chris, “Things are, like, really developing for me. I really do have feelings for you. And I can see being with you and being in Iowa and I do want you to know that.” Farmer Chris is caught off guard, and Jade is feeling more liberated than when she ran through the streets.
Britt tells Carly that she would give Carly the rose because her song was so good. Carly, “I want this rose so bad… Because he saw Carly, like CARLY, like all of me.” Carly, Tziporah Kingsbury tried to get you to show “all of you,” but you chickened out, trapped in your earthly sex-masks.
Then after everybody gets their quality one-on-one time, Chris grabs Britt and runs like he just robbed a bank with Calamity Jane. They arrive at a Big and Rich concert, which is ironically for a bunch of average-sized poor people.
They sing, they dance, and they get on stage with the spotlight on them so Farmer Chris can ask Britt to accept the group date rose. She says yes and all the girls in the audience scream. Big and Rich change the lyrics to their big finale to “Save a Horse, Ride a Farm Boy!” and, in my opinion, must immediately track down Taylor Swift to form their own gang of country-star-sellouts.
So after leaving for an entire country music concert that ended with a lyrical diddy labeling Farmer Chris Britt’s metaphorical sex-horse, Chris and Britt return. Farmer Chris shows his ability to address a room of super angry women, asking “How’s everybody doing?” while cheerily holding Britt’s hand. How do you think they’re doing, Chris?
“Not doing that in front of everyone maybe was appropriate.” And he slinks out like he’s sad, but is secretly still psyched he was called a metaphorical sex-horse in front of a whole concert crowd.
Britt clearly feels pretty bad, knowing all the other girls are angry, and keeps apologizing while being brutally honest. Whitney complains that she should’ve went because she likes country more than Britt. That’s one way to look at it. Another way is to cry, which is what everybody else does.
Hey, who cares? Why get sad when we can get bloody?
Two-On-One: BATTLE ROYALE! Crazy Kelsey versus Kardashian Ashley I!
“Two girls. One rose. One stays. One goes… Let’s have good times in the badlands.”
In my history with this show, that was the most ominous and intimidating date card yet. I’d be shaking in my boots, but Kelsey claps and applauds, “I love the Badlands!” while giggling. Kardashian Ashley I. asks, “What’s the badlands?” Both competitors are already clearly at the top of their game.
The helicopter drops them off in the Thunderdome! And by “Thunderdome” I mean “a majestically decorated four post bed dropped in the middle of a barren desert.”
The girls at home are all waiting to see which girl makes it home, curious to see who he picks from two complete opposite personalities. It’s virgin versus widow. It’s Kardashian versus Cindy Loo Who. Chris must make a decision based either on his loins or his inability to diagnose fake panic attacks.
These two-on-one dates never turn into a chance for the girls to outclass one another. Instead, it typically becomes which girl is run over the coals less. Kardashian Ashley I draws first blood and tells Chris that all the girls in the house think Kelsey is fake. Kelsey gets defensive saying that her feelings for her Bachelor are incongruous with her ability to be friends with the other girls.
Chris, of course, handles this with the social grace of a block of wood, and immediately told Kelsey what Ashley said about her. Then he leaves Kelsey to return to the four post bed in the middle of the barren desert to just, well, kind of sit there.
I don’t know if Farmer Chris had to pee, if he was hungry, or if he ran away in the desert tripping on mushrooms. But this got me thinking the winner would be determined by an impulsive fight to the death on the ironically comfy looking bed.
“I know what you did.” Kelsey breaks the silence with her scolding. Ashley I keeps the upper hand, cooly asking back, “What did I do?” Then Kelsey channels her guidance counselor talks with kindergartners and chides, “If you don’t remember the conversation with Chris then obviously it meant nothing to you.”
Moments of silence pass. Kelsey stares eye lasers. Tension builds. Ashley I responds, “You think I’m not as smart as you because I don’t use big words?” Wow. Perfect. This battle of the villains is better than I could’ve imagined.
“Sorry I’m not from Pleasantville, I’m from freakin 2014!” Then they compared Masters degrees. No, seriously.
Kardashian Ashley I cries to Farmer Chris about ratting her out to Kelsey, extending her streak of crying to Farmer Chris to every episode in this season in-a-row.
Once Chris starts telling Ashley I how special she is, you know it’s over. “I feel in my gut, in my heart, and knowing the lifestyle that I live … I don’t think I can give you the lifestyle that you really want.” This can be translated to “You’re a Kardashian, what the **** do you think you could live on a farm in Iowa?!”
So Ashley I is going home and as Kelsey watches her cry, a smile crosses her face. The staff comes into the mansion to take Ashley’s suitcase, and all the girls are horrified that he kept Kelsey. “Oh no! I did not see that coming,” Meghan sobs.
Whitney echoes, “I’m just really confused. I just don’t know what he’s seeing with Kelsey, and I keep telling myself to ‘just trust,’ but it’s becoming more and more difficult.”
So Chris returned to the bed to tell Kelsey that he just sent Ashley I home. Kelsey goes in for a big hug. She’s going to be the girl Chris logically chooses. She’s going to be the girl with the Masters from the maybe more prestigious university. This is her love story. Monday Nights. At 8. But something isn’t right…
Chris is speaking in a hushed tone. He’s breathing heavy. Is it the desert heat getting to him? “I just don’t know if it’s there between us… Take care.”
Whoa! WHOA! This is the prisoner’s dilemma. This is the Cold War. Both parties came in trying to destroy the other, and in their efforts, they destroyed themselves! Mutually assured destruction, and it all blew up!
The staff comes in the mansion to also grab Kelsey’s suitcase and the girls all freak out, scream, jump on couches and pop champagne! It’s party time for them.
But back in the desert, Chris gets in the helicopter and flies away. And the girls, we believe, are left in the desert to wander for forty years.