The Bachelor Recap: Episode 5 "Isn't My Story Amazing"

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 5 "Isn't My Story Amazing"

One day after one of the greatest games ever played was played in Phoenix, we have another heated competition taking place in a Southwest United States desert. And with Super Bowl commercials suddenly competing to see who can be the most depressing, Monday night’s competition will probably be more fun too.

Prince Farming and his Bachelorettes head to Santa Fe, New Mexico, where I’m hoping Farmer Chris sees which of these girls are best for the one-on-one date to hijack an RV and start a rolling meth lab.

Ok, maybe my hopes are outlandish, but they aren’t as misguided as Megan’s, “I’ve never been to Santa Fe, I hear it’s beautiful, like a beach, resort place… The hats, sombreros they wear in Mexico, I don’t know if they wear them in New Mexico… I’m so excited. I’ve never been out of the country.” I like Megan because she’s smart.

First One-on-One: Cruise Ship Carly

“Let’s Come Together” the date card clearly ripped off from the Beatles reads.

As the clouds rumble and the hawks soar across the majestic skies, out comes Carly with a hearty, “Hiyeee!” Nothing says wondrous ancient desert land like a Cruise Ship Singer who describes the scenery as, “Like, whoa!”

The two go to the Hacienda del Cerezo (“House of Cherry” – wait, is Carly in the same club as Becca and Ashley I?) to meet a woman meditating. Carly wonders, “I don’t know who she is, but she is very calm, and she seems to be very in touch with spirit.” Well, her name is Tziporah Kingsbury, and she’s your love guru.

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Tziporah Kingsbury, adorned in more scarves than Johnny Depp and probably smelling of various herbal oils that were just banned from GNC, starts the session by burning some sage. Then they do some simultaneous breathing exercises which Chris starts to breathe really heavily from. Really, for a farmer, his cardiovascular endurance is alarming.

Despite the flaming sage most certainly ruining their taste pallets, Carly now has to blindfold Farmer Chris to feed him chocolate dipped fruit, and I envision a sombrero-wearing Megan cursing from home that Carly “stole my move.” Carly less feeds Chris the strawberries and more rubs chocolate all around his face until he looks like he ate the whole jar of cookies.

Maybe Carly’s so bad at feeding strawberries because she’s admittedly, “terrified of physical intimacy. I’m not good at that,” as she chokes back tears. All I can think is if we’re giving out pills and service animal passes so easily, if I claim to be terrified of physical intimacy, can I get a bunch of free massages?

Suddenly, Chris starts to realize this isn’t a love guru, this is a sex guru. I wonder what gave it away.

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Tziporah Kingsbury continues trying to make her Fifty Shades of Grey commands subtle, “I think so often in life we have different masks that we hide behind… Your clothing today is going to represent each mask and you’re going to unmask the other.”

Tziporah Kingsbury gives hope to all the little teenage punks currently peer pressuring friends to make out during “7-minutes in Heaven” and want to keep doing that professionally.

Carly apparently hasn’t been physical with a man in a really long time. She’s really nervous about taking Farmer Chris’ clothes off, which I guess makes sense since Tziporah Kingsbury is staring with her giant, bulging eyes.

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Carly describes this as the “worst date of my life,” marking the milestone of the first time getting naked on a date made it qualify as the “worst.”

Since they won’t “unmask” their underwear, Tziporah tells them to verbally remove a “mask” and talk about their fears. They both mention “love” and “being worthy of love” because don’t forget for a second this show is packed with cliche.

Finally, the sex Svengali makes Carly straddle Chris’ lap. The only rule is they aren’t allowed to kiss, only breathe. Both presumably take a Listerine strip and a spray of Binaca off-screen then get entangled in a web of limbs and hot breath. This breathing proves to be way more intimate than my old CPR training. Sex Svengali Tziporah finally allows them to kiss and they make out like two kids playing “7-Minutes in Heaven.”

Kelsey’s Sob Story

Meanwhile, back at the house, Kelsey is telling her sob story of being a widow for a year and a half. “They weren’t able to really determine exactly why his heart stopped… It was, um, it’s called heart… um, what’s it called? It’s called congestive heart failure?”

Ok look (deep breath), it’s always uncomfortable being the one that suggests somebody’s not being forthright with a spouse’s death… there’s a “but” coming… BUT, don’t you feel like she would know what it was called? ALSO, if the doctors weren’t able to determine what happened, how did they determine it was congestive heart failure? Something’s fishy. I’m uncomfortable. Back to the Fantasy Suite-training date.

One-on-One Champagne After Date: Cruise Ship Carly (Continued)

While Carly tells Chris that their date definitely broke her out of her shell, she sits in a knee-hug tuck suggesting she’s completely in a shell. Thing is, Carly is rusty. “It’s because my last boyfriend, like, we dated for, like two years, and, like, he would not touch me. And we were, like, boyfriend and girlfriend, but, like, he never wanted to be physical with me ever.” It, like, apparently messed with her, like, head and stuff.

Anyway Carly is really insecure because she dated a gay guy for two years. I get the signs might be hard to read, Carly, but if 3rd grade Macklemore could look for clues, I’m sure you knew no touching for 2 years was a giant red gay flag.

Instead of physically going for it, Chris tries to convince her with his always-smooth words, “First of all, not only are you beautiful, you got a such… uh, you’re talented. And you got a great sense of humor. And you’re cool and smart.” So there ya go, Carly. Next time you don’t feel pretty, just know that you’re “cool” and “smart.” Buck up, ‘ol sport!

Carly talks about how she’s shed her shell and Chris talks about how Carly would be a great wife “for anybody out there.” Unfortunately, they both sound like televised politicians with a poorly hidden agenda.

Chris doesn’t give Carly any physical confidence but he does give her a rose. That rose may only last this week, but Tziporah Kingsbury’s erotic wisdom will last their lifetimes.

Group Date: “Let’s Rapidly Fall in Love”

Whether or not Kelsey murdered her ex-husband, she definitely has a short-fuse because she’s pissed to be on the Group Date. “I want a one-on-one. I’m ready for it, but it’s not happening because he has a myriad of other women throwing themselves at him. It doesn’t make me feel special. It’s unacceptable.”

Quick word of advice to any girl that wants to feel special: maybe avoid a reality dating show competing for one guy against 29 other women. Perhaps try, oh I don’t know, anything else.

This date card was an easy guess, they show up at White Water Rapids. Megan is scared of alligators in the rapids, which is an impossible gator habitat, but Megan can’t be sure about New Mexico gators. They might even wear sombreros!

unnamedDown by the river, Sisqo shows up! No, sadly, it’s not the fun Sisqo that would’ve gotten all the girls to dance in their thongs, but a Sisqo of probably less-fabulous spelling who is here to give the “Safety Orientation Talk.”

“You have to be aware, there are some risks here. If you stand up in deep, fast water, it might be the last thing you ever do. Your foot could get caught under the rock, into the boulder, whatever’s under there, and if the current keeps pushing the rest of your body downstream, you’re going to be sucked underwater even with a life jacket on.” Fear of mortality glazes all the females eyes right in time for Sisqo to conclude, “Alright, have fun!”

It’s all fun and easy as they chill on the lazy river, then the boat starts to pick up steam, get a little rocky, and other things that will most likely become love puns soon tonight. Soon, things get out of control enough that Jade falls off the boat. Sisqo I think taunts, “I told you so,” while Chris pulls Jade safely back on the raft, with her butt covered by a censor blurcle. Jillian may have left, but this year’s blurcle guy is staying on his power trip.

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Back onshore, Jade gets all of Farmer Chris’ foot-rubbing attention because she apparently has “a condition where my body goes into hypothermia at normal temperatures it shouldn’t.” Her body also has a condition where it sends male bodies into significantly warmer temperatures.

Mackenzie jokingly impersonates, “‘I need Chris to warm my hands and feet up, and my butt. It’s actually freezing.'” Kelsey offers a crazier, jealous perspective, screaming, “I’m fine! I’M FINE!” repeatedly with the crazed desperation of a hobo you just told to get a job. Bottom line though ladies, start brainstorming fake conditions you can claim that would require immediate massage therapy.

The girls change for the night group date, and as an unsuspecting Farmer Chris walks to meet them, he’s interrupted by Jordan. “It’s me, Jordan,” Jordan reminds him since she was such a non-factor. She drove all the way from Colorado to come back and request a second chance. Although Jordan somehow found out exactly what hotel to go to, in which city and state, on exactly which day, and she was already mic’d up for sound, Farmer Chris was surprised. “I look to my right, and it’s Jordan… the girl I let go two weeks ago,” Chris reminds us since she was such a non-factor.

Farmer Chris gave Yoga Kim a second chance after she begged, and Jordan thought she’d give it a try. What’s that saying about mice and cookies? Chris gives it some consideration since she seems to have sobered up from the days she was drunkenly upside-down twerking in the mansion. Chris decides to keep Jordan around for, at least, the rest of the night because the ensuing cat-fight is going to make great TV.

The other women are all mad about Jordan’s return, and they keep blaming Jordan instead of the clearly spineless move by Chris. Especially Kardashian Ashley I., who is trying to lead the charge, “You should not be nice to her right now!” Whitney wants to distinguish between liking Jordan as a person and disliking her actions. Kardashian Ashley I. wants to punish Jordan through extreme side-eye.

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This debate builds a budding new rivalry between Whitney and Kardashian Ashley I. Whitney calls KardAshley a “mean girl.” KardAshley calls Whitney, “fake as ****.” Hmm, I think score a point for the “mean girl” side.

Women are great at mental manipulation, individually, and with eight of them, Chris had no chance. He takes Jordan outside, and explains that he just can’t keep her around, not like this… she was more fun when she was drunk. Right in time to interrupt Ashley I’s tough-talking, Jordan comes in and silently announces her goodbye by reaching for a hug from the girls. Emotions run wild, and Megan cries. No matter what country she thinks New Mexico is in, Megan’s a sweetheart.

Suspense rules the group date rose, as nobody other than I-Have-a-Long-Drive-Ahead-Jordan got much attention.”Tonight’s rose goes to someone who has a way of making me feel special, and not only does that, I truly feel she’s here for the RIGHT REASONS!” We get our biggest “right reasons” of the season, and Whitney gets the Group Date rose.

“Who’s pissed?!” jokes Kaitlyn. Well actually, Mean Girl KardAshley is pissed, “I am upset that Whitney got the rose tonight. Whitney, who I honestly looked at earlier in the day on the boat and thought ‘I don’t have to worry about… that.” I’m starting to think all virgins aren’t as innocent as the stereotype.

Second One-on-One: Britt

“Sky is the limit” reads Britt’s date card, and Britt immediately begins to wipe her sweaty palms, cry and admit her rampant acrophobia just because the card included the word “sky.” So if you’re counting at home, this is the second date in a row from Farmer Chris that forced the girl to envision their own violent death.

unnamed-2Another thing Britt’s apparently scared of is showering. Carly and Britt discuss how Britt hasn’t showered or shaved her legs in weeks. Gross. Why, Britt? Is it actually another fear, because the makeup you wear to bed proves it’s not because you prefer au’naturale. Chris “breaks” into the room before dawn, somehow, as a surprise even though the inside latch propped the door open. Chris confesses, “Britt looks just as beautiful first thing in the morning as she does when she’s all dolled up prior to the rose ceremony. It’s incredible.” Not incredible. If Britt sleeps face down with that much makeup, I’m sure her pillow looks that pretty in the morning too.

The two smooch a little in the room where Britt’s roommates, Carly and Becca, get jealous. Britt grabs her “smelly socks” to put on her smelly, un-showered feet, and the two leave so Britt can return to fearing a fall to her death because some stoner bungee jump employee screwed up the fastener.

Turns out it’s just a hot air balloon, and Britt somehow feels so much safer now that the “heights” are mere hundreds of feet above jagged rocks they definitely couldn’t fall on as they furiously make out in a floating Easter basket. The girls complain that Britt smells, but apparently she smells good enough for Chris to invite in his room and to his bed. Then they complain that Britt doesn’t actually want to get married or have kids, right as she tells Chris she wants “like a hundred” kids. I’m sure she put a lot of thought into that answer.

Chris gives Britt the rose, but announces it’s not over. Dinner? Random concert? Nope, they wind up under the covers, kissing more and then Farmer Chris shuts the bedroom doors to the cameramen. According to Britt, “Then we just came back to the hotel, and we went to his room, and like ordered room service and had dessert and coffee, and then we took a nap.” Look Britt, if you want us to believe your time in his bed only consisted of a “nap” you blew your story when you said you drank coffee right before it. Coffee and naps don’t jive, girl.

Kelsey Goes Crazy

Fueled by the jealousy over Britt’s surely innocent G-rated spooning, Kelsey storms to Chris’ room to take her needed one-on-one time. She puts on her best sweater jacket with her best Whoville hair-do to share her tragic ex-husband story with Chris.

unnamed-4 “I don’t have bad news to share with you. I’m not going anywhere.” Chris pauses for a moment, as if that really wouldn’t have been bad news. Kelsey continues her story about her husband, Sanderson Poe, and suddenly, Tziporah Kingsbury has dropped to the second coolest name I’ve heard tonight.

She retells the story of his inexplicable heart failure, and his death en route to work. It’s sad, scary stuff. Or… in the words of Kelsey, “Isn’t my story amazing? It’s tragic, but it’s amazing. I love my story.” My favorite stories from youth revolve around Disney World, but whatever floats your boat, Kelsey.

They have their kiss, then pull that classic lack-of-chemistry move and whisper “hi” back and forth. “I know this is a show about Chris, but this is my love story too… Stay tuned. Monday night’s at 8. The love story unveiled.” I’m creeped out. Kelsey may deserve a show of her own, but I suggest it be a Lifetime movie about a powderkeg wife who knew how to instill undetectable cardiac arrest.

Rose Ceremony

The girls are all nervous about the upcoming Rose ceremony, but Kelsey is feeling confident. Whitney, knowing Kelsey hasn’t had her one-on-one time, is suspicious of her confidence. Whitney’s suspicions are soon confirmed. Farmer Chris comes in and says he had a talk with Kelsey today, and it got him thinking…

Then Chris goes outside to compose himself, and we’re waiting on baited breath. Kelsey’s confidence dissipates when she sees Chris run away immediately after bring up their talk. Chris Harrison takes everybody down a couple more pegs by telling the girls there will be no cocktail party. So Suspected Serial Killer Kelsey goes for the only move she can; the only move that can top sharing her tragic, yet amazing story; the Hail Mary of reality foreverlove.

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Kelsey fakes a panic attack. To perfection. She excuses herself, she stumbles out from the vision of all roommates and camera people, and even screams the dead giveaway, “I think I’m having a panic attack!”

The EMT snaps on their rubber gloves and comes to help, but Kelsey is first saved by three magic words:

TO. BE. CONTINUED. 

Whoa! Hey, Chris Soules isn’t Jack Bauer. You can’t leave me cliffhanging like that.

Next Week, “Monday Night at 8:” Does Kelsey survive? Did she actually kill her husband? Will the other girls see Jade’s hypothermia, Kelsey’s panic attack and duplicate the strategy? Will it be that one girl who’s somehow still around despite possibly being a deaf mute?

Guess we have to wait until next week…

Power Rankings

1. Naptime Britt

2. Wedding Crasher Whitney

3. Dirty Joke Kaitlyn

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