The Bachelor Recap: Episode 4 "You're More than Welcome to Go Home"

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 4 "You're More than Welcome to Go Home"

So this week’s going to be a little different. At least according to Chris Harrison, “This week’s going to be a little different.” So predictable, Chris. Somebody, please invent a Chris Harrison voice-box, pull-string doll already.

Farmer Chris’ three farmer sisters will be here to help him pick his farmer wife. Did I mention… “farmer”?

So this week is “different” because Chris will be getting help planning his dates from somebody else. In other words, this week is exactly the same as last week.

Group Date: “Let’s Do What Feels Natural”

The card is filled out to invite Dirty Joke Kaitlyn, Witch-Doctor Ashley S., Kardashian Ashley I., Juelia with a Random “e”, Samantha (who?), Alien Abductee Mackenzie and the nondescript Kelsey and Megan.

The girls start panicking because they assume it will be a date where they aren’t allowed to wear makeup. A few girls in this world are flattered from that “you look prettiest with no makeup on” Drake compliment, but most others react as confusedly as would a meathead gym rat who was just told “your body looks best when you don’t work out.”

Consider Kardashian Ashley I. part of the latter.

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Whether she is asking Chris to rub her magic lamp belly-button ring or spackling dry wall on her face, Kardashian Ashley I. is a sucker for attention. She starts off right, riding up front with Chris on the way to the lake, “I totally got the best seat! For me, like, if a guy’s driving, it’s just, like, one of the sexiest things they can do.” If I’m not mistaken, the second sexiest thing a guy can do is get so super drunk that the girl has to take the keys to drive while he barks orders from the passenger seat.

But with all Kardashian Ashley I’s chances, crying, and cup-throwing, she still has not opened up with all her secrets.  “For some reason, even though I have a crush on him, I’m so shy with him. Today, I have to find a way to, like, break out of my shyness.” So she takes off her top and jumps into the lake. Well, that’s one way to do it.

Immediately after, Kaitlyn takes off her bottoms and jumps into the lake. Hey, don’t be a one-upper! “He saw my tush. I’m feeling A-OK. here.”

Kelsey is the opposite of A-OK. Perhaps, she’s Z-OK. “This is a date for bimbos… I’m done. This is stupid.” Kelsey must not be as confident in her tush.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Chris’ Farmer Sisters just arrived. Carly and the gang give them an excited “welcome” while Jillian sleeps in a nap more blacked out than her a$$.

unnamedThe sisters interview each girl to see who they want to give the next one-on-one date to. Whitney got along well with them, but stupidly admitted just going on a one-on-one. Britt declares herself the front-runner, then stupidly admits she doesn’t care when Chris takes other girls on dates. Jade quickly admits she didn’t have quality one-on-one time with Chris yet. Between last week’s bed testing and nailing this interview, Jade is quickly becoming the Heisenberg of this season.

Bubbly Cruise Singer Carly wasn’t so bubbly during her emotional conversation with the sisters. They ask why she hasn’t found the right guy yet, and she sweetly, tearfully responds, “I haven’t had a guy be very nice to me.” She describes the relationship between her grandma and grandpa and how she wants to find a guy that’s more like her grandpa. So, to clarify, Carly’s ideal mate will tell stories while bouncing her on his knee and cut the crust off her sandwiches.

Back at the Lake beach, the girls are playing Red Rover, and I’m hoping to have a clothesline flashback like last night’s Royal Rumble. This is no fun and games for Kelsey, though, who bluntly says, “There are moments when I feel like taking a fork and stabbing it in my eye.” She may have just been venting claiming to crave a stabbing pain, but nature called her bluff. As she pouts, “As if this couldn’t get any worse!” she immediately gets stung by a bee with perfect comedic timing. Karma is so much fun sometimes.

The nature date isn’t ending yet, and the Farmer Chris pairs up the girls in teams of two to set up tents for the overnight campout. Kaitlyn and Megan construct theirs faster than “The Special” from The Lego Movie“I could have a power nap while they finish,” Kaitlyn brags. “I am so in my element!”

Somebody that isn’t in their element (surprise, surprise) is Kardashian Ashley I. She and Space Cadet Mackenzie fail miserably to put up their tent. I wouldn’t even trust that duo to microwave a Pop Tart without the foil on.

Kardashian Ashley I. tries to make excuses, “I’m a virgin camper. I’m also a virgin camping!” If you didn’t already know that Kardashian Ashley I. was a virgin, she’ll remind you 500 times. Kardashian Ashley I. defines herself so narrowly as a virgin that I’m afraid when she finally has sex, she’ll vanish into nothing.

A campfire is roaring at night time, which I assume was started by Crazy Ashley S. to summon spirits from the other dimension. Haunting the girls more than the ghosts is the rose sitting in the cooler next to all the hot dogs and marshmallows. I don’t know if I’d be more upset that my rose smelled like a hot dog or that my hot dog tasted like a rose.

Kaitlyn is cozy enough in this setting that she wears only an oversized shirt and still hasn’t put on pants. Kudos to Kaitlyn. She’s adorable and deserves every bit of confidence she has in her tush. But while we’ve fallen for Kaitlyn over dirty jokes, dirty gestures, and sexy talk with Jimmy Kimmel, she uses the quiet, moonlit night to get a little deeper with Chris. “So I want to know, in your world, what makes you think somebody cares about you?”

Farmer Chris admits that he’s a touchy-feely kind of guy, which in guy code, translates to “hand stuff.” While Chris needs physical attention to feel cared about, Kaitlyn just needs to hear another person say the right words. So Kaitlyn kisses Chris under the stars to adhere to his touchy-feely needs and Chris, in exchange, says nothing sweet to Kaitlyn. Such a one-sided relationship, so far.

Next up is Kelsey, who takes her time to beg Chris to go home before she has to actually sleep in a tent and laugh loudly enough to wake up every bear on the Pacific coast.

While Kelsey hates the outdoors, some have more reasonable fears, like Ashley S. “You know what I’m most scared of right here? (hiccup) Is the fact that we have no music.” So Ashley S. stands up and starts singing a campfire song and tap dancing. The other girls actually get into it for a moment, but again, I’m still not convinced Ashley S. wasn’t trying to summon spirits from another dimension. Mackenzie is clearly scared of outsiders and starts talking about how this is the perfect place for aliens to abduct and probe her.

Then, out from the woods, runs Farmer Chris wearing a mask and waving a fake machete. The girls don’t even uncover their blankets, and calmly ask, “Is that Chris?” A serial-killer costumed Chris laments, “No, it’s some crazy ******.” Well, it was the first crazy ****** to drop his weapon and go mope dejectedly by a tree.

Kaitlyn does point out the one scary thing about this night in a captivating campfire ghost story, “It was a Monday night. All was calm. Until… a lady named Ashley S… she is the sweetest slash scariest woman AROUND!”

I don’t know if Ashley S. is more affected by the full moon, the whiskey, or the copious amounts of Ambien she probably took, but she has another weird conversation with Farmer Chris. “Look at the moon. It’s so weird to me. And, we’re sitting here. Like, that’s weird to me.” Ashley S. is pretty crazy, but I’ll admit, it is kind of weird that we all aren’t just sitting on the moon.

Chris starts babbling about some sunset nonsense in Iowa, and Ashley S. interrupts with a few kisses. “At this point, Chris, I like, love you. I love everything about you. I don’t know, it sounds crazy at this point in time. I actually really do feel the way so…” Chris sits relatively stupefied and speechless. She continues, “I hope that resonates within your mind tonight,” and I’m now 100% positive Witch Doctor Ashley S. really has been spending the night summoning spirits to haunt Farmer Chris’ dreams.

While one Ashley is in love, another Ashley “has a freakin crush, ok!” Kardashian Ashley I. goes to Chris’ tent to tell him how innocent she is and how she’s never had a boyfriend. Chris sits kind of confused because Ashley I. woke him up in a slumber to ramble, but never actually say the word “virgin.” So Chris now doesn’t know what Ashley I. wanted him to know and thinks her definition of “innocent” is sneaking into his tent to wake him up for a makeout.

Kaitlyn gets the group date rose. Competing against alien conspiracy theorists, witch doctors and brats who just want to go home and watch Netflix, she was the runaway favorite this whole time. “I feel great! This is awesome! And I’m drunk!” Cheers to you too Kaitlyn.

First One-on-One: Jade

“Your presence is requested at a royal ball tomorrow evening from 8pm until the last stroke of midnight. It’s a secret. The prince doesn’t know you are coming.” The girls start to think it’s a Cinderella type-theme. Upon that revelation, they all immediately bully Jade and force her to do chores with a bunch of singing mice and birds.

She’ll at least get help from her “Fairy Godmother.” Some pink-haired lady with wacky glasses is accompanied by her makeup and fashion team to promote the hell out of Disney’s new “Cinderella” movie. Wait, sorry, I meant help Jade find true love.

They make Jade into a beautiful, real-life Cinderella. All it takes is a handful of dresses, some glass Louboutins, the Fairy Godmothers fancy iPad fashion apps and Neil Lane diamond earrings. You know what they say, what’s true love without shameless product placement?

The rest of the girls marvel at how gorgeous Jade looks with that cute gasping, covering their heart, and going “awwww” thing that girls do. When guys dress their absolute best, their guy friends typically react with, “Yea cool dude, now get out of the way of the TV.”

One girl who isn’t so impressed is Kardashian Ashley I. who actually describes herself as “a hopeless romantic Disney princess.” She’s mad because if she wasn’t out swatting flies and failing to put up a tent, she could’ve been around to be picked for this date by the sisters. She’s always wanted to go to a ball, and even brought her own princess dress and everything because, of course she did. She may have even brought her My Pretty Princess Unicorn Pony.

Since Iowa doesn’t have many elegant balls, Farmer Chris is practicing ballroom dancing either by himself or with one of Ashley S. leftover spirits. He still doesn’t know who his sisters picked for this date, but when Jade arrives, he actually lights up pretty genuinely.

The two have a nice conversation over dinner where they both admit to being engaged before when they were younger and naive. Chris declares Jade to be the “girl next door” which is ironic because that’s the exact magazine of Playboy she was in. Other than mostly smiles, sweet conversation and a little bit of vulnerability (Jade admits that the hardest thing about moving to LA is “it’s hard to find friends”), Jade gets the rose.

Chris tells her there’s one more surprise, a private concert! No, not the kind with some traveling unheard of band who lives in their van. The kind with a bunch of talented violinists playing romantic music as Chris puts his ballroom dancing practice to work with Jade on top of a balcony. My brother shouts, “I hope they fall!” and I realize that between the Red Rover game and that, we have a serious problem rooting for other people to hurt themselves.

It’s getting close to midnight, which means Cinderella has to leave or her limo will turn into a pumpkin and all her fancy clothes will disappear. Well if the clothes disappear, please keep her there until midnight Chris. Jade runs away with her rose in hand, and disappointingly, both shoes. Some Cinderella date. You have to leave a glass slipper behind, if not to stay true to the story, at least because it has to be hard to run down all those stairs in heels.

Back at the house, Kardashian Ashley I. complains, “I just wanted a princess date!” All that was missing was her stamping her feet and holding her breath until she got her way. If Chris isn’t going to take her on her princess date, Ashley I. is going to take herself, as she puts on her princess dress and walks around like it isn’t weird. And without the company of her Prince Farming, she sits by herself and eats corn on the cob.

ashley i corn

Group Date: “Let’s Get Dirty”

Nikki, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt and Becca get more than a date card. They get six big present boxes that they tear into with the fervor of a kid on Christmas morning to reveal they each got their own wedding dress. It’s about time this show gets a surprise twist where the Bachelor turns Mormon and marries every contestant!

Jillian feels weird because “this is not what I wear normally.” As opposed to all the other girls that wear wedding dresses every day. Becca is more game, “If he’s ready to pop the question and get things going, I’m prepared.” The girls take a private jet to San Francisco and find out, sadly, there isn’t any Mormon sextuple wedding, but just a big Muck Fest.

“I don’t know what ‘muck’ is. I think it’s a combination of mud and smuck. What’s ‘smuck?'” Whitney thinks out loud. I think smuck is a combination of sand and muck. But, wait, what’s muck again? Goodness, this is so circuitous.

Here Muck Fest means a giant mud obstacle course, and now Muscle Milk Jillian is in her element. She starts crushing everybody through the course. Carly concedes early, “Thank God my dress is white because I surrender already.”

So while Jillian tries to be the Bachelor’s version of Roger Bannister, Carly keeps cracking jokes since she quit after she got hit by the big balls “because then. Jillian should be wearing a tuxedo and not a dress. That’s all I’m saying.” Well that’s not exactly all she’s saying. Carly continues, “Is her muscle bigger than Chris’ muscles? Is her d*** bigger than Chris’ d***?” No wonder she always has a censor bar down there!

Despite some beefy features, Chris explains, “Honestly, if you ask who I thought I really could see myself with just from a quick physical attraction. Just seeing who she is, outgoing, cute and fun, I’d say Jillian is one of the top three.”

But Chris needs to dive a little deeper than that, so in front of a romantic San Francisco skyline, he starts asking some probing questions. When Chris asks where she sees herself in five years, Jillian calmly responds to Chris, “I feel like planning is limiting.” In her confessional, Jillian’s a little more candid, “I f***ing hate that question!” So Jillian’s clearly given no thought to what she wants with her life, but in fairness, how could she possibly know whether she’ll be in bulking or cutting season in five years?

So to deflect away from any thoughts she’s never had, Jillian starts motoring her mouth about her lifting routine, her parents approach toward fitness and the Cleveland Browns. The Cleveland Browns always makes for the best date conversation.

Lost in the random conversation, Chris daydreams, “Occasionally, as Jillian’s words begin to flow over my head, I begin to think of unicorns and dancing fairies. Beautiful.” He really should’ve taken Carly or Mackenzie on this date if he wanted to talk unicorns.

Speaking of probing questions, Jillian finally asks something worthwhile, “Would you rather have sex with a homeless girl… or abstain from sex for five years?” Talk about your five-year plan all you want, Chris, but Jillian wants to know if you’re a risk taker.

Chris clearly would rather join a homeless orgy in a dumpster than stay on this date. He picks up the rose and gently admits, “Unfortunately, I just don’t feel like we have that chemistry right now. Maybe our goals aren’t quite aligned with each other.” He’s right it would never work. Chris wants to work out his biceps while Jillian needs to stay focused on her latissimus dorsi.

Jillian cracks with regret over her inability to open up and starts crying, proving that no matter how hard you make your blurcled buns, we’re all a little soft on the inside. Jillian sadly goes into the elevator to exit, and, not shown on camera but we can only assume, punch a hole through the f***ing wall.

Cocktail Reception

Competitive Jillian may be gone, but with one extra rose now for the rest of the lot, the competition is just heating up.

Megan makes the first move by setting up a fruit tasting game with Farmer Chris where he’s blindfolded and has to guess with just taste, touch and smell what goes in his mouth. Megan would’ve had such good game if she gave him two pieces of chocolate covered fruit then asked, “And what’s this one taste like” as she went in to kiss a blindfolded Chris. Instead she blows it and they literally just eat fruit. “Chris is going to be thinking of me all night.” I doubt it, but whatever, do you Meg. As I always told my football coaches, it’s easier to judge the calls from the stands than the field.

Kardashian Ashley I wants to clarify her tent conversation with Chris and come out bluntly to admit she’s a virgin. She’s also still wearing her princess dress, which seems very un-princess-like to wear the same dress twice in a row. Ashley I breaks the news, Chris says he’s impressed, but doesn’t suck face anymore, which makes Ashley I cry so her makeup melts off her face.

Ashley I is clearly emotionally fragile, so I’ll let Carly do the piling on, “Her mouth is not a virgin.” Cruise Singer Carly might be taking Kaitlyn’s potty mouth crown!

But, wait one moment people, there’s another one of these rare delicacies living in the house… drumroll… Becca! Becca admits that she’s also a virgin, which everybody acts very supportive and impressed by. And, sure, keeping your virginity is admirable, but let’s ease off on the “congratulations.” You don’t congratulate somebody on their lack of accomplishments.

Britt makes the classic Bach mistake of asking why he likes other girls, especially behaviors like Kaitlyn jumping into the lake without her bottoms. Chris takes it as an attack on his integrity and stops the party to tell the girls if anybody questions his intentions “you’re more than welcome to go home.”

Rose Ceremony

For now, Chris decides who’s going home, and it’s Nikki, Juelia, and Ashley S. No surprises across the board, just an Ashley S. that doesn’t give a hoot. “I am who I am. I feel nothing. I have no feelings.” Raise your hand if you’re surprised Ashley S. is a sociopath. Anybody? Bueller?

That one was loaded and exhausting, but we’re getting rid of the riff raff that we knew had no chance, except Samantha who I still don’t think has said a word on this show.

Power Rankings

1. Campfire Kaitlyn

2. Wedding Crasher Whitney

3. Princess Jade

Filed under: Bachelor, Reality TV

Tags: Bachelor, Farmer Chris

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