The Bachelor Recap: Episode 3 "Amazing"

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 3 "Amazing"

Week 3 is where we typically start seeing some surprises. Sometimes it’s a surprise, competitive twist in a group date. Maybe it’s the classic surprise concert from some band that typically only regulars in the band’s hometown watering hole have ever heard of. So what surprise are we in for this season?

Jimmy Kimmel? Yep, Jimmy Kimmel. He waltzes into Farmer Chris’ room and whispers him awake in a way that must be more peaceful than waking up to the roosters on the farm. Certainly more confusing than rooster, though, prompting Chris to wake up with a “What the ****?”

Kimmel hands a luckily not-naked Farmer Chris a coffee in bed and instructs, “It’s time to say hello to the girls. So get yourself pretty… and then we’re going to start an amazing journey together.” Chris Harrison handles the introduction telling the ladies, “This week, there will be another man in your life.” Then Jimmy Kimmel comes around the corner and all the ladies start cheering. Back when I watched The Man Show, I never thought I’d see the day a room of single ladies would applaud his entrance.

Kimmel explain he’s here to help plan the dates, invade the dates, and also help Chris with his decision by “making love to each one of you.” Ashley I is going to be so disappointed when she learns she has to lose her virginity in an audition for really losing her virginity. One other thing he’s here to help is in expanding the contestants’ lexicons. Kimmel institutes the new “Amazing Jar,” a jar where every time anybody uses the word “amazing,” they have to put a dollar in the jar, which if history is any indication, will be a more successful fundraiser than dumping ice on our heads. Just an amazing idea. Oh, whoops.

Lastly, he also brought with him the first date card.

First One-on-One: Kaitlyn

“You and Chris are about to join an exclusive club. Sweeping views, vaulted ceilings and unlimited hors d’oeuvres await.” You know how you know puns aren’t actually funny? Because the first time a real comedian comes on the show, he doesn’t use any puns.

Farmer Chris and Kaitlyn speculate over some back-limo champagne what club the date card could possibly be referring to. Kaitlyn guesses Jimmy Kimmel would pick a comedy club. I think he would choose one of those Eyes Wide Shut sophisticated swingers club.

Turns out the exclusive club is CostCo. Brilliant work Jimmy Kimmel. Now Chris and Kaitlyn became the first people that aren’t homeless to drink a bottle of champagne in a CostCo parking lot. They get another note from Jimmy telling them he’s coming over for dinner so to buy everything they need and some personal items including a size 33 pair of jeans and “enough ketchup to fill a hot tub.” Annoying sure, but at least they can relax knowing if they screw up seasoning dinner, Kimmel will just douse it in ketchup.

They walk about the aisles, enjoying the vaulted ceilings and endless hors d’oeuvres. Kaitlyn is unsurprisingly a great sport about it all, laughing, relaxing in massage chairs and eventually, climbing into a giant inflatable ball with Chris.

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Move over Juan Pablo and Clare! With your snoozer hookup spot of the Vietnamese Ocean. Chris and Kaitlyn are the new champions of sneaky places to hook up.

The date is the first one that has any semblance of real life in it, which bodes well for Chris and Kaitlyn’s connection. No Grand Canyon picnic, no helicopter rides, just a limo… only this time the back trunk is full of purchased collapsible tables and chairs.

Farmer Chris seasons the steaks and Dirty-Joke Kaitlyn pours some bourbon as normal couples would do for a dinner party, if the normal couple’s dinner guest were Jimmy Kimmel. He arrives just in time to interrupt their not-really-make-out, more of a pecking-session. Kaitlyn prepares drinks and describe the guys’ bromance, “You’re doing that guy thing when you watch each other barbecue.” I didn’t realize that was a guy thing until now, bonding over meat on open flames. Guys nowadays may pluck eyebrows or, I don’t know, blog about reality love, but we all still have a little caveman in us.

Jimmy’s late-night host starts coming out, and he asks the tough questions: Does Chris think marrying Kaitlyn would be like marrying a dude? (Yes, and he’s cool with marrying a dude. Didn’t know we’d get Chris’ opinions on same-sex marriage, but let’s roll with it.) Does Kaitlyn like dating a farmer? (Yes, she dated a legit” farmer once. Not that wheat and corn plowing p-word stuff Chris does, but a real one with real animal meat. So take that Jimmy and Chris.) And lastly, how is Kaitlyn going to react, if she makes it this far, when Chris takes the other two contestants to the Fantasy Suite? After all, we all are adults, we assume the “Fantasy” in the suite isn’t role playing Dungeons n’ Dragons.

“No. I can’t be. It’s part of the process. You can’t take out a car without test driving it.” Great answer, Kaitlyn! Whether or not she actually believes that, at this point, that’s her only option. Jimmy Kimmel already showed he can ask the tough questions. If Kaitlyn answers wrong here, he will grill her with a violent bad cop cross-examination while good-cop Farmer Chris just sits back and offers her more to drink while suspiciously stroking his beard in judgment. Then Jimmy will go wash Chris’ back in an outdoor shower just to make

With this green light, Kimmel pushes the limit, “If you do want my advice, I would tell you… try to have sex with everybody here.” Kimmel not only grants a male-specific, one-sided Hall Pass, but even labels, to steal Kaitlyn’s words, “plowing through the fields” of girls Farmer Chris’ divine mission.

“Let’s have a threesome guys, come on!” Kimmel requests one last time. For now they settle on a group hot-tub-chicken-eating orgy and a rose for Kaitlyn.

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Group Date: “Are You Ready to Meet Some Real Party Animals?”

Welp, forget what I said earlier about puns. Invited on the date are Romantic Britt, Alien Conspirator Mackenzie, Ambien-Tripping Ashley S., Cutie Patootie Kelsey, Becca, Amber, Tracy, Juelia, Samantha, Nikki and Carly. Why don’t the last few have nicknames? Because I think this will be the first time any of them talked this season.

The group will be showing off their farming skills today in the “Ho Down Throw Down.” They’ll do it by competing in an obstacle course consisting of Chris’ standard daily farm tasks. So according to the course, Farmer Chris wakes up to his rooster, immediately shucks 15 ears of corn, chases chickens until he finds one egg, fries that egg without breaking the yolk, chugs a jar full of freshly-squeezed warm goat’s milk, shovels manure and wrestles a greased-up pig. Modern farming is so weird.

The competition has Muscle Milk Jillian geeked up! She’s pumped enough to do a workout in some spank pants so small ABC censors her bottoms and change into an outfit with shorts short enough to stay limber and also to be censored again.

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I’m starting to think ABC keeps censoring Jillian’s bottoms because they don’t want us to see her cock and balls.

The race starts and the girls start shucking. Get your mind out of the gutter, people. It means removing the silk from corn. Jillian, Nikki and Mackenzie are off to a quick start, but Mackenzie breaks her egg yolk on the next round, which was definitely the easiest thing on the course to not screw up. Granted, childlike Mackenzie was probably at a disadvantage because she still eats Fruity Pebbles for breakfast.

Jillian struggles to milk the goat, even though I swear she drinks it daily for her post-workout protein shake. Carly catches up and chugs the goat’s milk despite the fact that she’s lactose intolerant. Goat’s milk is disgusting and now she’ll probably be making her own manure the rest of the day. That’s dedication Carly.

Kelsey doesn’t like the taste of goat’s milk, and her hesitation all but eliminates her from the win. Amber explains, “The way Kelsey described it, salty and warm. It’s not something I like in my mouth.” Well Amber is going home. There’s girls that answer questions right, like Kaitlyn, and then there’s girls like Amber.

24DBC3B800000578-0-image-m-132_1421734536512While Carly tries to protect her lead and untie the entrance into the pig pen, Jillian blows by and leaps the fence like she’s escaping prison, an escaped prisoner with their ass out, but still. But then she goes after the pig like she’s Ray Lewis on roids. The little guy freaks out and runs squealing right into the much more innocent-looking arms of Carly who picks it up and puts it in the pen to win the race. Carly was so cute in her win, she probably named the pig too, which is going to make it so much harder when she finds out that’s being served at the night date.

On to the night date, the girls put on their finest and hopefully no longer smell like goat’s milk and manure. Carly is antsy for some one-on-one time because, even though the victors typically get the first date with the Bach, Carly only got to take an American Gothic duplicate pic for her prize. The moment the glasses ting for the opening “cheers,” Carly jumps at her chance and takes Chris aside. She admits she’s been getting a little nervous around him, but she tells him, “You are a man, and I’m a woman, so I just wanted to take advantage.”

Begin make-out montage. Farmer Chris is kissing everybody. Apparently these girls are much better kissers than the animals on his farm, because he’s making out this season like his lips were shot out of a cannon.

Prepubescent Mackenzie is clearly jealous. “Ok, I’m going to be blunt. You remember how we kissed? Well, why are you kissing everybody else too?” she asks an on-his-heels Chris. Kissing is just part of the whole experience of finding a wife, Chris tries to explain. Since dancing careers don’t last forever, Kaitlyn should give paid lessons to the other contestants on how to play it cool.

The only one not getting a kiss is Becca, who holds out because she wants their first kiss to be special, and successfully turns the tables on Chris. “I need to earn it,” Farmer Chris laments. He tries to earn it pretty quickly too, and gives Becca the Group Date Rose. Actually, maybe Becca should give out the advice.

Second One-on-One: Whitney

“Today is going to be fun. No whining!” the date card reads. Jimmy Kimmel must’ve been privy to Whitney’s high-pitched voice already.

Actually, they go to a winery for a romantic garden sunset. Whitney is super peppy on the date which makes Prince Farming think she’s the kind of girl that can “roll the cob.” Whatever that means. Apparently it means “have the ability to talk to people in social situations,” even though it sounds like a kinky bedroom move.

And what situation is more social than a wedding?! More specifically, how about a wedding that is directly within eyesight of the couple? Like right there, over the hill, clearly not set up by the producers? Either way, the happenstance gives Whitney the bold idea to crash it. It starts off as a minor suggestion, then she starts talking about catching the bouquet and gets noticeably more and more excited until she can’t help but blurt out, “YOLO!” #Yolo indeed, Carly.

The wedding is just starting, so Chris surmises they have about 1-2 hours to change into the proper attire. While Chris and Whitney put on their wedding best, the cameramen put on what I assume is giant camouflage to look like plants or those tuxedo button cams Tom Cruise uses in Mission Impossible.

Their back story is that Chris is still the Bachelor, but now the retired Bachelor because he and Whitney got engaged. They pretend to know everybody, Chris is momentarily from Argentina, and later Whitney knew the beautiful bride, Shannon, from when Shannon used to do her makeup. Eventually, they’re meeting the parents, dancing (Chris tries desperately to bring back the “lawnmower” move), and Whitney just misses out on the bouquet. “I’m 8 for 11 with bouquets,” Whitney brags. Shoot, somebody put her on the Green Bay Packers onside kick team.

She may not have caught the bouquet, but she got the one flower that mattered. Whitney gets a rose, and she’s officially in the game.

Pool Party

Jimmy Kimmel returns one last time to talk to the girls. But not until he retrieves his “amazing” jar, which is full to the brim.

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Wow, I hope they donate that to charity. I mean, seriously, there’s kids without forever-love in Africa.

The girls definitely don’t consider his news that there won’t be a cocktail reception “amazing.” Especially Ashley I, who might dye the pool skin-toned with all her makeup. “I was planning on my Kardashian look tonight.” Yea, there’s no way this girl ever ends up on a farm in Iowa.

Chris cannonballs into the pool and the girls start to circle him in the pool like sharks circling Louis Zamperini in a life raft. Jillian tries to impress Chris with her possibly-hairy butt. Britt tries to get Chris’ attention with her charm. But not to be outdone, Juelia outdoes them both by telling Chris her sad, sad story.

Look there’s never a good time to tell the story about how your ex-husband and daughter’s dad killed himself one year after she was born, but Chris barely had time to wipe the lipstick off his face from his serial makeout sessions. He either was very sweet about the whole thing or mastered the sympathetic face appropriate for when you have a camera two feet from your face.

After Juelia tries to connect emotionally, Playmate Jade knows exactly where she will have the best connection, Chris’ bedroom. Jade invites herself on a tour of Chris’ place, and when she gets inside, she acts totally surprised that there’s a bed in there. Chris shows her how he used to test out hotel beds, by running and jumping on it like a cannonball. Jade takes her turn and runs over and jumps right into the perfect little-spoon position. Jade capitalized on the perfect set up and the two have a hot, steamy makeout session in the bed.

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I know everybody is asking if that’s Jade’s boob, but is she wearing heels? She did that deft-defying jump in heels? Who wears heels to a pool party? Was she hoping to kick her chicken-fight opponent in the face, possibly gouging her eye out? So many questions.

They exit the cottage to immediately see Muscle Milk Jillian waiting in the hot tub so menacingly, the Jaws theme song would’ve been perfect. She’s been waiting there the whole time. And after all that wait, she isn’t leaving any time soon. Kardashian Ashley I, Makeout Police Mackenzie and Meghan the nondescript blonde all try to go spend some time with Chris in the same hot tub and Jillian does everything short of snarling. She grabs his leg as if to say, “Don’t you dare ****ing leave.” and keeps asking the girls for two more minutes.

An emotional Ashley I storms off in a rage. Unable to control her emotions or her hands, her drink flies out onto the ground and she shouts, “Ta-Dah!” She starts crying so hard that she starts laughing, and then back to crying. Not exactly a pillar of emotional stability, that Ashley I.

Insecure Ashley I keeps crying back at the house before Chris comes to scoop her away to see how she’s doing. She laughs and cries simultaneously again and uses it to make out with Chris.

Rose Ceremony

Ashley I is feeling “confident” because she kissed Chris and told him she likes when he says her name early so she doesn’t have to be nervous. Yeah, real “confident” Ashley I.

To spite her, I presume, Chris saves Ashley I for last and makes her sweat it out. Going home are Amber (shouldn’t have been so pretentious about the goat milk) and all the others who never really talked (Tracy, Trisha).

See you next week, when ABC probably pulls another self-promoting stunt and brings on the whole cast of Modern Family.

Power Rankings

1. Fertility Nurse Whitney

2. Dirty Joke Kaitlyn

3. Britt the Romantic

Filed under: Bachelor, Reality TV

Tags: Bachelor, Farmer Chris

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