Well tonight was the night, ladies and gentlemen!
Now I’m sure most of you were popping your champagne to bring in the New Year and new you! Or some of you were waiting anxiously for Santa to come down the chimney and reward you for being such a good boy or girl. But for most of us, the only night we anticipated was tonight: THE BACHELOR PREMIERE!
But first, in the words of the man, the myth, the legend, Chris Harrison, “Let’s get to know our new Bachelor, the man they call ‘Prince Farming,’ Chris Soules.”
Ok, ABC, “Juan-uary” worked last year since it was cute and all, but nobody ever has or will call Chris “Prince Farming.”
Chris is a farmer. In other words, he wakes his ass up at 4am every morning before the rooster crows to till the soil and cultivate the land the way our forefathers and creators intended so the rest of us can eat hearty meals while checking our Candy Crush scores. Even the Super Bowl got on board.
Ok, I’m over it you smug farmers.
ABC Producers aren’t, though, as Chris explains, “Love is a lot like farming. You plant a seed, you hope it grows. Sometimes the weather isn’t always on your side, but with a little bit of luck, something beautiful can come from it.”
Ah! It was so obvious. I can’t believe I didn’t see all these farmer-love-analogies coming. After a soccer player and an assistant district attorney, ABC tagline writers had to be licking their chops. “Kick love in the goal” and “Bring love to justice” never were very catchy, but farming is so rife with analogies.
Anyways, Chris spends his day shoveling seed, driving plows and hanging out with a bunch of old dudes over coffee to talk about corn conditions. “If I stayed in Arlington… it would take a lifetime to meet 25 women,” Chris explains.
So whoever he picks for his wife, we can all look forward to the day when she discovers she has nothing to do, no lady friends to talk to, and most certainly loses her mind and tries to murder Farmer Chris with an axe.
The Random Red Carpet
This is the most boring Red Carpet possible. Chris Harrison interviews a bunch of couples that are clearly confused and probably no longer in ABC-overly-produced-forever-love. Not even a Joan Rivers hologram interviewing everybody could make this red carpet exciting.
Sean and Catherine hang with dogs on their couch in a simple life and are generally a boring, old married couple. They haven’t thought about kids. The only exciting development with Sean and Catherine is that Catherine, wearing a cape, and Sean, sporting a menacing beard, obviously both recently became Super Villains.
Elsewhere in Bachelor fam, Sharlene stay chilling, Money Michelle stay fine, and Marcus and Lacey are apparently in love and engaged. No wedding plans, yet, though, as Lacey explains, “We’re a little 80/40 on the exact date.” It clearly wasn’t “love at first math problem” for these two.
Also, Clare apparently has a baby. So whenever people prognosticate about the downfall of society, just remember that ladies like Clare are having babies.
Nikki arrived alone and looking, depending on your choice of words, either “great” or “surgically enhanced.” Anyways, she and Juan Pablo, in not-so-shocking news, broke up. Nikki reasons, “We’re just different people. There’s just different things that he thinks are OK, and I don’t think they’re OK.”
Oh, poor poor Nikki. If there’s anything you should’ve known about Juan Pablo, it’s that he thought everything “eeeessssssss ok.”
The Wave of Limos
The girls are nervous. And honestly, I don’t blame them. I have more respect for the limo exit than I do for either Peter Pan or Sound of Music live. I mean those people at least have their lines written for them.
Britt comes out of the limo first, and woweee, apparently we are in for some lookers. Britt is a single girl from LA who believes she will find her soul mate and didn’t have sex with her last boyfriend, because “the other pieces” weren’t there yet. She gives Chris a giant, emotional, sobbing hug that makes her the heavy favorite for first to bawl her eyes out this season. She then hands Chris a note and says, “I have a little something for you, and you have to promise me that you’ll come find me, and I’ll explain it.”
What could it be?! The suspense is killing me. Chris opens slowly and reads, “Free hug – from Britt.” Oh, c’mon Britt. What needs explaining about that? That seems pretty self-explanatory, to me. Depending what part you plan to hug, of course.
The girls tell Chris how happy they are it’s him. I’m still waiting for the day a contestant says, “You know, I was really hoping it was that one other guy, but figured I’ve gotta get on the show any way I can, right?!”
The next few intros are pretty vanilla. Whitney is the bubbly fertility nurse from Chicago. Kelsey is the sweetheart guidance counselor. Megan is the “blondie” as Chris aptly notices her subtle features.
And then Reegan arrives with a prop. Yes! Once props get involved, the roller coaster begins. Reegan, a cadaver tissue saleswoman, opens her “Caution: Hazardous” cooler to reveal a human heart. She says it was fake, but her crazy eyes make me think local hospitals should double check their freezers.
Right on cue, Tara, who considers her occupation a “Sport Fishing Enthusiast,” exits the limo choosing cowboy boots over the cocktail dress. Personally, I didn’t know “enthusiast” could be a job title. Now I’m just excited to add to my LinkedIn “Mimosa Brunch Enthusiast.”
Chris likes Tara’s casual, country approach. But she doesn’t stop there. While all the other girls are chortling about Tara’s outfit choice, she sneaks in the back and changes lightning quick into her finest fancy dress. It was incredible. Add a phone book, and Tara could’ve been Clark Kent.
So while Former NFL Cheerleader Nikki is explaining that she “literally just flew here from Peru” (as opposed to “figuratively” flying, I suppose), Tara sneaks back into the limo to exit again and impress Chris with her outfit range. “It’s you again!” Chris exclaims. He was into it. So was I. Smooth move, fishing enthusiast.
While Amanda stayed hidden behind the tinted limo windows, the driver handed Chris a note that read, “Please turn away from the limo and close your eyes. Hugs and kisses.”
She sneaks out of the limo to compliment Chris because he impressed America with his secret admirer letters last season. Then, with Chris still not ever opening his eyes, Amanda says, “I think you deserve a secret admirer of your own, but lovely almost meeting you.” And she disappears into the night.
Amanda, baby, this isn’t Batman. You don’t give Commissioner Gordon instructions how to stop Joker then disappear (shout out to all you Batman/Bachelor crossover fans on this gem). You’ve picked out your life’s best outfit. You’ve done your life’s best makeup. You’ve probably juice cleansed for weeks until you were emaciated and having frequent hallucinations. Let him at least see what you look like!
She did warn, however, in her intro video, when asked why she was still single, “Can I say because I’m ****ing crazy?!” before a wicked cackle. So at least Amanda is in touch with her craziness. That’s step one to recovery girl, stay strong.
“Is it OK to open my eyes?” a confused and suddenly alone Chris asks. It’s ok, and he opens them to see Beefcake Jillian looking great. Speaking of Peter Pan Live, Mackenzie looks like a mermaid. Now here comes Ashley S. who seems like she has the stability of an Airhead taffy. She found a lucky penny on the way and brought it to Chris to “put in his soul.” Ohhh, “sole.” Of his shoe, of course! Nothing weird, creepy or cult-like… of course…
Told you the quirks were here to stay. Kaitlyn, a Vancouver Dance Instructor, comes out of the limo like she was shot out of a freakin’ cannon. She looks stunning and whispers to Chris, “I don’t know much about you. I know your name is Chris. I know you are a farmer. And, uh… you can plow the **** out of my field any day.” Wow. WOW! WOWWWWW!!! DROP THE MIC, KAITLYN! THIS ONE IS OVERRRRR!!!!
A stunned Chris giggles and stands in silence before Kaitlyn jokes, “You’re not Chris? Oh, you’re not a farmer?” Chris laughs it off and admits he was stunned. “Ok, You’re going to come find me, and you’re going to make me laugh. Cuz I like when guys make me laugh,” Kaitlyn persists. Kaitlyn showed off her legs, laugh, sense of humor and dominant personality in a matter of seconds. Well done. I’m all in on #TeamKaitlyn #ShutUpAlreadyIKnowBlogHashtagsDontWork.
Kaitlyn’s power moves leave Prince Farming speechless, sheepishly asking Chris Harrison to slap him to wake him up in what may be the most under-appreciated moment in Bachelor history.
Chris Harrison saw Farmer Chris was flustered (crap, this whole two Chris thing might make me actually call this dude “Prince Farming”), so he allowed him to go mingle with his first 15 ladies.
The norm is 25. Shoot, Juan Pablo had 27 cuz he was just too pimp. But Farmer Chris remains overwhelmed, “Fifteen women is still fourteen more than I typically date,” while the ladies feel relieved that there isn’t as much competition as they thought (yea, right).
MVP Kaitlyn breaks up the tension and a dud of a Farmer Chris toast with a joke, “Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party?” Well, geez Kaitlyn, I’m not sure. “Because he wanted to find a tight seal.”
Bravo, Kaitlyn! Bravo! There may be female walruses for male walruses (is that the plural? walri?), but no need to split hairs or call attention to possible cross-species rape. That’d be no fun. Fantastic joke #TeamKaitlyn.
While most of the girls just wonder if more girls are arriving soon, some, like Britt, take the opportunity to find some quiet time. Chris remembers her name from the first intro and the written hug invitation. Britt explains why she offered the hug, “To me, what a wife is, what a girlfriend is, is kind of like a safe haven. I wanted to tell you that you can feel safe with me. I want to be the shoulder you can cry on.”
So while Kaitlyn is out there slinging jokes, Britt is slinging that wifey game. She seems sincere, even when she says she’d prefer to raise her family in an Iowa-esque small town. The allure is palpable. Farmer Chris is smiling and Farmer Chris is smitten.
The girls are feeling good, for now, but Chris Harrison, as always, has to come ruin the party. He enters to steal Chris for…
The Second Wave of Limos
Chris Harrison tells Prince Farming (ahhh, curse you for making me use this nickname, two Bachelor Chris-es!) to prepare for another set of 15 women.
So we’re back to the girls. First, we just had to wait out some unfunny Kevin Hart slapstick including one broken table of glasses, one broken glasstop desk and one grandmother whose crotch caught on fire. Kevin Hart is one fruit smashing bonanza and several pigment tones away from just being Gallagher, but I digress. Like I said, back to the girls.
Every girl from limo wave 2 is an automatic enemy. I don’t know if this was improvised with Farmer Chris’ nerves, but this was a fun subtle way to get the cattiness rolling early. Samantha is a cutie pie, Michelle could be a fairy princess, and Juelia seems cool, but the way she spells her name spells disaster.
Tandra rolls up on a motorcycle and removes the helmet to be sexier than any of the Sons of Anarchy (go ahead, ladies, leave your angry Charlie Hunnam rebuttal comments below).
More importantly, Tandra’s motorcycle brought back the props! Alissa, a flight attendant, showed Chris how to strap in an airplane seatbelt because “it’s going to be a bumpy ride.” Party girl Jordan takes a shot of whiskey with Chris like a champ. Ginger Nicole wears a pig nose to “ham it up for (Chris),” but in case you haven’t heard, men aren’t attracted to pigs. Well, except for the Muppet movies, but Nicole is no Miss Piggy.
WWE Diva Brittany looks like she was dressed to see the Wyatt Brothers instead of the Bachelor, even though her “#SoulesMates” homemade sign says differently. Cruise Ship Singer Carly brings a pink little kids karaoke machine to sing Chris an intro song. She can sing fine, but she looks like she would immediately leave to eat a bunch of Nerds-on-a-Rope and comb her dolly’s hair.
Wrapping up the limo, Tracy reads Farmer Chris a note from her fourth grade student, and it seems to work. Kara tells Farmer Chris they’d make the cutest babies, and it seems to not.
Then Jade comes out of the limo and my eyes explode out of my face. There’s three words to describe Jade, “Va,” “Va,” and “Voom!”
Second Cocktail Party
Chris is overwhelmed, and can’t believe that his wife is in this room, which could be a cute reflection or mean that he already doesn’t like any of them. The group raises their glasses and Chris cheers, “Enjoy every second, make the most of it!”
Michelle casually drops that she has two kids and manages to put an impressively quick positive spin on it since now she’s “more mature than some of these girls.”
Carly laments that it’s illegal to be an ice cream truck man in Iowa. Fun fact, I guess, but Carly, you know Chris already has a job, right?
Then in comes Firecracker Kaitlyn, my MVP, guiding Chris to the dance floor. Kaitlyn teaches Chris the six step and moves up to a perfect 3 for 3 in owning every interaction.
Speaking of taking control of interactions, it’s about that time in the night when the girls really start vying for conversation with Chris. “May I interrupt” is the adult female version of ripping each other’s hair out.
With all the girls fighting over him, Chris dreams, “I wish I was a polygamist right now.” Don’t we all, Farmer Chris? Don’t we all?
Finally, the crazy one emerges. Ashley S. explains how “every person you meet is like an onion. You cut them, but when you cut them you peel them back.” She picks a dandelion for WWE Diva Brittany and tells her she will give her this “rose” that isn’t really a rose if she leaves. Brittany leaves without putting up the fight I would expect from a WWE diva and doesn’t take the rose, leaving Ashley S. offended for not taking the dandelion.
Finally getting her time, Ashley S. decides to tell Chris her bucket list includes running through sunflowers and finally riding a horse for the first time. They say their farewell, and Ashley S. runs off to see if a plant is an onion or a pomegranate. “If it’s a pomegranate then God bless it… It is a pomegranate! It is! Wow. I feel powerful.” Perfect wife material. If you’re looking for a wife to constantly trip on ‘shrooms with, that is.
Well, thanks Ashley S., we found the crazy one. The search for the drunk one didn’t take much longer. “My best friends are Jameson, Johnny Walker, and Jack Daniels,” says an inslopsicated Cowgirl Tara. Tara admits in a confessional she’s a “train wreck,” then goes for the cure in another sip of alcohol. For the record, my favorite kind of drinkers are the drinkers that take another drink when they’re trying to “sober up.”
Farmer Chris finally went through the marathon meet-and-greet and decided he wanted to give Wifey Talk Britt the First Impression Rose. The chemistry from earlier prevails, and too-early be damned, Chris and Britt kiss in front of the fire. They freak out a little bit and Britt admits, “I actually really like you,” to which Chris’ farmboy humility disappears momentarily, responding, “Well, what’d you expect?”
Cowgirl Whiskey Tara is waiting for her rose, wobbling on the back step, and I’m really, I mean really, rooting for her to fall on her butt. She looks in bad shape, like Charlie Sheen after a five-day bender without any recovery tiger blood kind of bad shape.
He takes a minute to build suspense, but Cowgirl Whiskey Tara gets a rose anyway. Thankful for her, but unfortunate for us, he gave it to her before she fell off the back ledge into some candles and caught on fire like a Kevin Hart comedy. Tara waking up with a rose must be an extreme version of when we single folk wake up from a blackout with a mysterious phone number.
So long to WWE Diva Brittany, who proved that in the short history since Twitter’s invention, nobody has ever found a #HashTag to be a turn on. So long to Ginger Nicole, who proved that in the long history since pigs were invented, nobody ever found their snout to be a turn on. And so long to Crazy Amanda, who proved that a blind date is only fun until it’s time to say “hello.” You can’t just keep the guy blind until you leave.
Yoga Instructor Kimberly, a rarely seen beautiful crier, feels slighted. She diverts from the limo and returns to Farmer Chris to…
Not sure. We have to wait til next week. I’m sure the suspense will keep you up all week.
See you the rest of the season for plenty of pensive stares into scenery, concerts from people we never heard of, and, of course, talk about “the right reasons!”
1. Britt the Romantic
2. MVP Kaitlyn the Comedian
3. Va Va Voom Jade