Bachelorette Recap: Episode 4 "So I'm Wearing a Poker Face?"

Bachelorette Recap: Episode 4 "So I'm Wearing a Poker Face?"

My parents made it through Woodstock, we’ve all been on Spring Break benders, or danced our way through the three-day Lollapalooza. But, so far, the craziest extravaganza I’ve ever had to endure has easily been the 2-NIGHT BACHELORETTE EXTRAVAGANZA! That is, of course, if your definition of “craziest” is eating microwavable Lean Cuisine meatloaf while making snarky comments about how you would be a better fit for the lovely Andi Dorfman than any of these jokers.

The crew goes to Connecticut (shout out to Hartford!) where Andi insists on calling it New England either because she wants to make it sound more romantic or she’s a secret Bill Belichick fan. Either way, there’s tons of pretty sailboats, lighthouses, colonial homes, and off camera complaining about missing out on magical trips around the world (Santa Barbara and Connecticut? Were there budget cuts at ABC?).

The guys all get in a tub together and cheers to “Connecticut!”, which, trust me, is exactly what normal guys always do when they arrive at hotels…

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First One-on-One: Nondescript Dylan

The date card reads, “Dylan, our relationship is picking up steam,” which isn’t really true. Matter of fact, I’m not even 100% positive that these two even met each other yet. Maybe that will all change once they get to the sexy sauna or the Vietnamese sweat shop. It’s obviously one of those two.

Nope, wrong again. They hop aboard a steam train that’s so old school I half-expect a the Lone Ranger to be on one of the cars. Dylan reacts with the same enthusiasm as a child who got underwear on Christmas, “Wowww, steam train, huh?”

They start with some champagne and some silent staring at scenery. The silence is awkward and reminiscent of a horrible date, but its mostly due to Dylan’s hesitance to tell his tragic family story. Dylan makes his way to the heavy stuff, first asking Andi the length of her longest relationship (3 years) and revealing his (8 years). Then when they get into the “why did it end talk?” talk which gives Dylan the chance to segue to say the breakup was hardest because “it happened the day after my brother’s funeral.”

Andi knows there’s something big weighing Dylan down, “I can sit across from Dylan and feel that he just wants to burst out with this story. I think until we talk about it, and I hear it, it’s like we can’t start yet.”

Well once dinner begins in another steam train car so fancy it’s typically reserved only for passengers with top hats and monocles, it’s getting time to burst out the burdensome story. Dylan starts by revealing that his dad wasn’t really around, which is sad, but still didn’t prepare Andi for the rest. Then he almost casually lays out that his sister overdosed four years ago when Dylan was in college. After his sister passed, his brother, who also was in and out of rehab, was struck with grief and finally hit rock bottom. Then before his birthday a few months before the show’s filming, Dylan got a call from his grandfather to tell him that his brother overdosed and was in a coma. Then when Dylan arrived, he saw his mother bawling on the floor and found out his brother was brain dead. Sheesh. Poor guy.

Andi really comes through here. Not only did she have the straightforward confidence to get Dylan to open up in the first place, but she is as empathetic as possible. Tears gather in her eyes the whole time without her breaking down because she knows she needs to stay strong. Being back in Connecticut brings back memories for New England-raised Dylan, good memories he says, but good memories that accentuate the pain.

Once the story is out and that weight is lifted from Dylan’s chest, you can actually see Dylan become a real person again, smile a little and emerge from his pit of sadness. “The hard part is behind me. She cracked the emotional side of me. I’m definitely on Cloud 9. To tell you the truth, probably one of the happier moments of my life, right now.”

My goodness. Excuse me while I go buy a Costco-size pack of Puffs.

Group Date: “Who’s Got Game?”

Thank you! We need some fun and games after that heart wrenching start. This one was pretty easy to understand that it’s a basketball date. Everybody is on the date except for Dylan and Handsome Marcus, so we know Handsome Marcus is getting the one-on-one date. Coach Brian is psyched to be in his gymnasium heaven. JJ the Pantsapreneur is stressing out trying to find gym shorts made of snakeskin. And Marquel is a black guy that can dunk, so he’s cool with everything.

Then come the GIRLS. Girls that will surely embarrass these Bachelorette bros. Girls that include Swin Cash, former UConn national champion, Tamika Catchings, one of the best to ever play since Sheryl Swoopes, and Elena Delle Donne, a 6’5″ gorgeous Amazonian giant that could probably score and rebound over Carlos Boozer. Then there’s two more girls that I’ve never heard of, but come on, how much do you expect me to know about the WNBA?

Anybody that thought boys are always better than girls at sports should add a disclaimer how that’s not the case when the girls are superstars and the guys are only average height and do things like design pants for a living. The girls run them off the court in a 32-8 beatdown without even trying.

Since the girls’  dominance wasn’t fun for either side, they decide to split up the boys into two teams, the Rosebuds and the Fire Hearts. The Fire Hearts have JJ, Tasos, Josh, Patrick and Chris while the Rosebuds have Brian, Marquel, Cody, Nick, Eric, and Andrew on the team that was destined to win the whole time. Loser goes home, winner gets to go on the night date with Andi. I love these dates, they’re as close to the Gladiator ending that we’ll get in real life.

Andi loves the testosterone fueled competition, “They were mean mugging. Bring it on. Ready to go. I was totally turned on.” The game starts and they play at a blistering pace to reach 6-6 at halftime. So either they have 2-minute quarters or these guys totally suck. Marquel, though, is feeling cocky, “I’m already celebrating in my mind. They’re going to go back to the hotel and eat some cereal or whatever it is that losers eat.” What do losers eat, Marquel? MY D***!

Whoa, sorry keyboard malfunction there. “My dust.” The losers eat “my dust.” Boy, glad I could clear that up.

The second half begins and that’s exactly what happens. Brian is legit good at basketball. He’s picking pockets, dropping dimes, and heating up like Steph Curry from the 3-point line. The Rosebuds wipe the floor with the Purple Hearts and their homemade sharpie jerseys and win the night date with Andi. The Fire Hearts are in the locker room exhausted in defeat, except for Tasos who doesn’t seem to have broken a bead of sweat.

unnamed-3The other team, however, is partying harder than the San Antonio Spurs, Los Angeles Kings and bandwagon World Cup fans combined. They brake it down on “Date Night” before running into the locker room to spray champagne in the showers and chant “Rosebuds! Rosebuds!” Meanwhile, the losers pout in their locker room having to overhear the celebration. Except for Josh, who stays alone on the court to soak in regret… SO HE NEVER FORGETS HOW THIS FEELS!

At night, Andi switches out of her ball jersey into a va-va-voom dress as the guys meet up in the Connecticut Casino lounge. The guys are geeked up and feel like winners, but at least one of them shouldn’t be. “I definitely feel like our relationship is not progressing,” Andi explains about Explorer Eric. She takes him aside to try to get things back on track, the awkwardness of which Eric attributes to their formal clothes and formal sitting. So the two continue to have a very formal conversation. Andi then says that, well, this may just be a formal thing, and they don’t thrive. Eric singles the blame back, saying, “Knowing that you don’t thrive in this situation is the first time we’ve been thriving.” Eric giggles, but just like us, suffice to say, Andi’s befuddled.

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Eric tries to open up a little by saying his siblings mean everything to him and stories about his Mormon past, which don’t live up to the fantasy Matt Stone and Trey Parker created for us. Somehow, this all brings Andi back around and she claims that the initial spark is back.

Coach Brian makes his one-on-one time much less formal and playfully leads Andi to the basketball court, where he feels at home. “I always wanted to be out alone on the court with, like, that girl,” Brian excitedly declares. Brian teaches Andi how to hit a layup which, of course, she nails (note to girls: if you look good while doing something impressive in sports, we turn to mush).

“I feel like two kids, having fun, kinda snuck into a basketball court. And Coach is definitely sexy in his element,” Andi woos. Didn’t realize Andi had such hots for Craig T. Nelson. She’s already getting the hots for Brian when she dares him to make a half court shot. Now, I’ve had my moments in this show that I thought were set up by the producers (crazy conspiracy theorist, I know), but I think Brian really did make that freaking shot. You can tell by how Andi practically ovulates at half court. And although Andi keeps moving her head and body into prime kissing range, Brian is too dense to notice, and he just runs around the court shouting, “I can’t believe I made that!” Hey, Coach, you’re on a date, not in March Madness. When things quiet down, and Brian has a moment to reflect, he admits, “I am so bad at reading signs. So bad. I think any of my friends can agree I have zero game when it comes to girls.” Yea, duh.

But Andi is all hot and bothered because Dweeby Nick comes in to steal away Brian’s kisses. You know what they say, Nick, why buy the milk when you can make out with the cow for free. Or something…

But even though somebody needs to get Coach a dating coach, Brian gets the rose.

Second One-on-One: Handsome Marcus

It’s about time somebody has to confront a deadly fear! The date card read, “The sky is the limit.” Well, not the actual sky, more like 30 stories to the top of their hotel, the Mohegan Sun, which they’re about to repel off. Andi is deathly afraid of heights and Marcus is just a little spooked. The instructor gets them all strapped up while Andi slowly realizes she’s actually about to repel off a building, “Am I crazy right now?! Are we seriously doing this?! In all honestly!” Marcus asks Andi if she has any last words, which she chooses wisely… “F***!”

There’s a lot of yelps and hesitation from Andi and a lot of “Don’t look down” encouragement from Marcus. He gets her to trust the ropes by calling her “hun,” coaching her through kicking out and generally acting chill. “I need to be the man in this relationship and hide my fear.”

Andi starts slowly moving while Marcus starts to asks her distracting questions about her mom, when she basically becomes the cutest scared girl ever. “What’s your mom like? She like you?” Marcus asks. “She’s nice…er. She plays Mahjong, with her friends. She golfs, not very well.” “Are you a good golfer?” Marcus continues to ask. “No. I think I’m better than I am,” Andi responds then giggles. “Ok, wanna continue our walk.” Marcus’ comfortable and he nails it. Andi feels so much better that she gives Marcus the photogenic dangling in midair kiss. Good thing they got that in before climbing past the guys’ room window, where all the guys taunt the couple through the glass.

Fresh off conquering their fears, the two sit down at the oldest working inn in America. Who would have ever guessed stuff in Connecticut was super old? Marcus immediately calls out the rose, asking to cover it up because it’s the elephant in the room.

Marcus gets the elephant in the room, the kiss and pins the rose on his lapel en route to a country concert by John Pardi. The two dance on stage surrounded by a wild crowd. Then Marcus beats everybody to the emotional drum and yells “I think I’m falling in love with you” over John Pardi’s guitar. I hope that wasn’t a scripted repelling/falling pun, but either way, Marcus gains serious ground.

Cocktail Party

Before the champagne is served, Andi gets a note delivered to her room. Nick, that sneaky little twerp, has already delivered her flowers, so suspicions are high he doubles as Andi’s “Secret Admirer.” She mentions to the guys that she was flattered by a secret love letter and she’s anxious to find out who it was, when every single guy smiles to hint like they can briefly get the romantic credit only one of them deserves.

Tasos instantly requests the one-on-one time where I suspect he’ll perform another wedding tradition and do the “Cupid Shuffle” then drive her away in a limo with tin cans tied to the back. Nope, Tasos wants to change the pace and just talk to her about things.

Typically, I’d complain that a guy with a rose interrupted a guy on the cusp, but Brian was steeped in regrets. “Half court shot, I spent one-on-one time with you, but the one regret I had was to not kiss you. So I have to kiss you at center court,” Brian explains. “Thank God!” exclaims a relieved Andi.

Speaking of sports, Marquel casually drops that he’s a UFC Fighter even though his occupation is listed as “Sponsorship Salesman.” Marquel’s relationship with his former sport is basically the exact opposite of Josh M’s. In case he’s gone sometime, Marquel tells Andi he needs to make sure she can defend herself and has her practice headlocks. Andi likes it, as she should since Marquel is the coolest on the show, “Marquel makes me laugh, and I don’t if he’s just on the espresso martini kick or it’s just him, but whatever it is, it works, and it’s just fun.”

In comes E-Money Explorer Eric who still wants to hash out disagreements from earlier in the week. Eric is quite offended that she doesn’t think he’s been open, since he talked about his brothers and his Syria story, and thinks its actually been Andi that has been being fake all-along. “I came on this to meet a person, not a TV actress.” Well this is certainly going to go well, Eric.

Andi’s voice gradually gets more animated and her tears more steady as Eric sips water and slowly regrets his strategy, “Am I comfortable and natural all the time? Not a chance. But do I work my ass off and stay up late so that everyone knows that I am here for them? Yea, I do. You have no idea what it takes. You have no idea how exhausted I am. You have no clue how hard it is to look people in the face and send them home!” That last one actually sort of was a lightbulb. It does have to be hard for the Bachelor/ette to send people home and break hearts every week.

It must be easier this time, because she sends Eric home instantly, well before the rose ceremony. “I think at this point, you and I both know, this is not going to work.”

Not Rose Ceremony

Instead of the standard Rose Ceremony, Chris Harrison sits down with Andi to discuss Eric’s departure. You all probably know the story by now. No need to delve into this sad end to a (basketball aside) sad episode. Chris explains that Tasos was also sent home. Til’ next time in Marseille.

Power Rankings

1. Handsome Marcus

2. Dweeby Nick

3. Coach Brian

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