Grammys to Royal Rumble: Sunday Night TV Marathon Running Diary

Grammys to Royal Rumble: Sunday Night TV Marathon Running Diary

Every once in a while comes a night where I can’t decide what I want to watch on TV. Sometimes it’s because, despite having a thousand channels, half of them are news, a third have something involving animals and the rest is some dizzying amalgamation of rehab, housewives and Honey Boo Boo that makes me want to live in a jungle.

Last night was the complete opposite of that desperation. There was just too much TV to possibly take in. It was as if somebody combined an office pot luck and high school graduation party with Thanksgiving dinner and expected there to be no leftovers.

At 5:30CT on ESPN, Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett were to make their emotional return to Boston against the Celtics with the last man standing from “Ubuntu,” Rajon Rondo in his first game since tearing his ACL. At 6:30CT on CBS was the Grammys, the least meaningful awards show of the bunch, but one of those times when everybody decides they want to hang out on Twitter together. Simultaneously, at 6:30CT, NBC is showing the Pro Bowl, a similar ego-stroking to the Grammy’s but with absolutely no relevant meaning at all unless you’re a degenerate gambler. Then, half an hour later on ABC, America gathers for their equivalent to the Royal Wedding, Sean Lowe from The Bachelor is marrying Catherine what’s-her-face because she won a reality-TV contest.

And of course there’s also the Big Daddy of them all. The best there is, the best there was, and the BEST THERE EVER WILL BE! That’s right, the Royal Rumble on WWE Pay Per View. The event when 30 wrestlers enter the ring once per minute for 30 minutes, and only one emerges victorious. The Champion advances to wrestle for the Title in Wrestlemania.

This was a challenge beyond mere channel-surfing. This was channel surfing during the 50-year storm, and I had to be Bodhi.

Chronicled below is my reaction to the next 7 hours of TV. And yes, smarty pants, I could have just tweeted all this, but 140 characters at a time is NO WAY TO LIVE! Off to the races…

5:30pm Before we get to Boston, Lebron James’ Sportscenter interview with Doris Burke ends with Lebron saying, “I’ve had a huge load for 7 to 9 years.” I’m going to go ahead and leave that out of context, because it’s more fun.

5:33  We’re live in Boston and send it to PA Announcer, Eddie Palodino. After a smattering of boos for Joe Johnson, a smattering of boos for Alan Anderson, and complete indifference for Shaun Livingston, Palodino found his old form and growled, “Number 2, Kevin Garnett!” and the ovation erupted! After Paul Pierce was introduced next, it felt like the roof was going to come off the Garden.

At the tip off, Kevin Garnett moves his famous head-bang psyche-up routine from the base of the hoop to Rondo’s chest. Rondo giggled like he was being messed with by his older brother. That was a cute moment. Wow I miss the “Ubuntu” Celtics so much. They remain the toughest, feistiest team of the past decade.

5:42 Pierce gets his first offensive opportunity, and it’s a wide open 3, what a chance for a story book return! Brick… Womp. Womp. The Brooklyn jerseys already had me lamenting the end of the Ubuntu Celtics, but seeing Pierce hobble around like he needs icepacks, kneepads and a bedtime was the final nail in the coffin.

5:46 Rondo hits a running and-one that was vintage, healthy Rondo. But why is he playing already? It’s not like he’s coming back to last year’s Bulls, a team with a chance to compete. Boston is done for. I hope it’s for the emotional reunion with Paul and KG, and not to show him off as a trade asset. If Rondo, leaves who do Celtics fans have to rally around, Kelly Olynyk?

W2ST2122.JPG5:53 We come back from commercial break where the Garden just showed the Paul Pierce video tribute and the crowd is now exploding. They zoom in on Pierce, and while there’s at least a chance it was sweat on his face, it sure looked like tears. Goodness, if I finish this with Sean and Catherine’s wedding, the start and end of this TV marathon will be muddied with tears.

6:10 During a really bad game, I find a place to lay a four-team parlay on John Cena (over Randy Orton), Pitt basketball (over Duke), Wake Forest basketball (over Cuse), and Seattle in the Super Bowl. Stay tuned for lessons on why gambling’s bad.

6:32 ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE! Royal Rumble has just been PPV ordered. But the Grammy’s and Pro Bowl kick off on separate channels. Naturally, I’ve got to see the Grammy’s opening act.

CBS keeps reminding us how Historic and Special and Once-In-A-Lifetime everything we see tonight is going to be. I’m expecting Justin Bieber to jump over Miley Cyrus’ Teddy Bear in a motorcycle which explodes upon impact while Fall Out Boy performs “Light Em Up!”

Instead, the mood is much more measured. Beyonce stands with her back to us, teasing us until we can’t handle the anticipation anymore. Finally, she does a Dr. Evil turn in her chair to the first verse, “I’ve been drinking.” She gyrates in sexy lingerie, and I may or may not be screaming at the TV to stop screwing around with the lighting so we can get a good look.

6:35 Jay-Z come on stage and looks like Beyonce’s dad. This performance is risqué, sure, but it’s still the polar opposite of dressing as a teddy bear and using a foam finger as a penis.

6:53 Ok, I get that Oregon has cool uniforms. But that doesn’t mean that everybody is supposed to dress in flourescent colors. Even though it’s currently being mentioned hundreds of times on the Grammys, I don’t want to feel like I’m on Molly.

In the game between two very confusing mixed up teams of players that don’t know about because they were drafted on a channel that nobody has, Desean Jackson just caught a flea flicker 60 yard bomb from Andrew Luck. Only in the Pro Bowl does a 150lb wide receiver have the courage to leap over two defenders for a touchdown pass.

7:00 “Tonight, live from Santa Barabara… it’s the most romantic television event of the year!” In my world, “romantic television” should be an oxymoron. Regardless, Sean and Catherine are getting married! Catherine chose the theme of the wedding to be “Grown Sexy” which means, in my world, that you sport eyeglasses and a scruff, but for Sean it means he probably loses his virginity on his wedding night. Maybe. Who knows? If the mood is right…

Daniel Bryan7:08 Grizzly bearded mountain man, Daniel Bryan comes sprinting out of the tunnel as all of Consol Energy Center pumps their fists and chants in unison, “YES! YES! YES!” I’m immediately hooked cuz Daniel Bryan is the man.

Plus his villain counterpart is grotesque. Out of the tunnel comes Bray Wyatt from the Wyatt Family, which resembles Duck Dynasty stunt doubles recovering from a meth addiction.

Next to get introduced is the Spanish broadcasters table, and those poor saps don’t know how doomed they are.

The match is amazing and the place is ready to go nuts for Daniel Bryan, but right as Bryan went for his signature stage dive, Bray Wyatt caught Bryan in the air and delivered his finisher, the Sister Abigail. The Wyatt’s vault to the top of my enemy list.

7:21 Lorde sings “Royals” in makeup befitting a blowup doll and doing a dance that I can best describe as the “Teen Wolf” dance combined with scoliosis and thoughts of cutting yourself. It was heralded as one of the night’s best.

7:31 Pharrell puts on a hat to determine which Hogwarts house he is to be accepted into.

GRYFFINDOR-PHARRELL-ELITE-DAILY

He gives his Grammy speech, but I don’t understand why he isn’t more scared of the two motorcycle gang members stalking him in their dark-visored helmets.

7:34 SO YOU WANNA PLAY WITH MAGICC!!!!!!!!!!! I nominate Katy Perry and Juicy J to perform every Super Bowl halftime show in perpetuity.

7:41 Brock Lesnar false starts the match. No, not the boring kind that you see in football. This was the WWE kind, where before the match he beats up his opponent then gets a chair from his manager, and beats him up more with the chair.

8:08 LL introduces his “good friend” Taylor Swift, which begs the question, “IN WHAT WORLD ARE TAYLOR SWIFT AND LL COOL J GOOD FRIENDS?!” Taylor sings some song about Jake Gyllenhall and warns all potential paramours that millions of fans will hate him if he breaks Taylor’s heart.

8:10 We’re here the John Cena/Randy Orton headliner match. The beginning of my parlay is on the line. Pittsburgh captures Cena’s polarizing nature with a chant of, “Let’s Go Cena! Cena Sucks!” There’s a lot of awards being given out tonight, but the only truly deserving recipient is Pittsburgh as the city with the best chants. This entire Royal Rumble was their encore performance to “CUEEEETTTOOOO!”

Another rock concert of a match with high-flying stunts eliciting huge crowd reactions. Cena had Orton locked in a “Viper” when suddenly, a large skull came on the jumbotron, the lights went out briefly in all of Consol, and when they powered back on, there was the creepy Wyatt family at the ring, hitting John Cena with blunt objects. He was left battered in the ring, and Randy Orton finished with the pin.

And that, kids, is why gambling is ALWAYS a bad idea.

8:35 My adrenaline is pumping and I need a break. Coming to the rescue, Catherine has a long walk to the alter that takes so long I think she covered a half-mile. Sean’s dad is presiding and blesses, “Let’s all take a moment and pray that God will bless them and make them happy.” This is ABC code for “Let’s take a commercial break!” Nothing as romantic as televised weddings.

8:43 ALL ELSE STOPS! It’s time for the Royal Rumble! Every 90 seconds a new wrestler comes in the ring until 30 wrestlers are in, and you get eliminated by getting thrown over the ropes and both feet hitting the ground. My friends and I did a draw of who got which numbers, and I’m feeling good with numbers 9, 12, 19, 23 and 26.

Chicago hero, CM Punk comes out first, angry he has to wrestle the longest. WWE spoiled this and everybody already knew Punk was first, now is where it gets exciting. The crowd starts their countdown “10! 9!..” and now emerges… Seth Rollins? Don’t worry, nobody knows this guy, and we started my new favorite tradition: When the countdown is going crazy only to be met with a subpar wrestler, and universal groans.

8:56 I’ve refilled my drink just in time for my first guy to come out. Kofi Kingston! I’m psyched! The rastafarian muscle-head came out to his entrance song which may or may not have been on my favorite summer mixtape. He’s made a name for himself as the guy that gets thrown out of the ring, but doesn’t let his feet touch to avoid elimination (he returned to the ring once on a wheely chair, and another on a walking handstand).

9:04 Alexander Rusev AKA “The Bulgarian Brute” picks up my guy Kofi Kingston by the neck and throws him onto the crowd divider. Things look bleak, but Kofi’s feet never touched the ground thus technically leaving him in the match. What stunt is he to pull now?

kofi kingston

WHOA! CHECK THOSE SHOES FOR SPRINGS! KOFI KINGSTON CAN JUMP THE GRAND CANYON! Kofi stood on the skinny crowd divider and some how lept back onto the edge of the ring. No matter how this turns out tonight, Kofi, you’re my winner.

9:10 Kofi’s eliminated. I’m either going to fill up my drink or find a pillow to cry into.

My team started with such promise with Kofi and favorite, Dolph “not Ivan Drago” Ziggler, but then I rounded it out with Fandango (burly ballroom dancer), Jey Uso (little brother of a better wrestler), and Ryback (giant gorilla of a man). I’m more confident one of my guys will win a Grammy than this match.

9:36 I hate to say I told you so, Spansih announcers table, but…

9:42 Well, it’s over. I lost. The only men left are Roman Reigns, a giant Samoan and third member of The Shield, and Batista, a universally loathed Filipino giant that has been out of wrestling for over 3 years. The crowd keeps booing Batista because it seems too predictable that he would win in his comeback, but after a clothesline from Roman Reigns, Batista pops back up to launch Reigns over the ropes. Now, all of Consol Energy Center joins me in my bitterness over this Rumble’s result.

10:18 I’m winding down by watching the Grammy’s and I’m just flat exhausted with TV. I thought I was done with televised weddings until a moment ago when 38 people got married at the Grammy’s during Macklemore’s performance of “Same Love.” Huh? Why? Why would you want to get married in front of thousands of people who don’t give a crap about you, everybody is watching the concert, and 37 other couples are splitting your attention? Was it catered by conession stands?

I can’t do it anymore. I’m spent. I’ve somehow exhausted myself from watching too much TV, yet I feel victorious!

With a million things to see tonight, I somehow caught it all! Wait, one sec, True Detective was on tonight, wasn’t it?

$*%*!!!

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