Goodbye Lollapalooza and good riddance

Goodbye Lollapalooza and good riddance

Get off my damn lawn.

Yes, it’s my lawn. And it’s my neighbors’ lawn. It’s the Loop’s lawn. And River North’s lawn. And South Loop’s lawn. Where can we go to enjoy vast expanses of turf? Certainly not in our non-existent back yards.

It’s also all of Chicago’s lawns.

And you damn kids tear it up ever year. When it rains, it turns into a mudpit probably akin to the one at CharterOne Pavillion on Northly Island. And even when it doesn’t rain, you trample and ruin the grass.

lolla mud

Which has to be replaced. Now, I don’t care too much about the tab since Lolla pays for the resodding of grass, but I DO care that  the lawn becomes unavailable to us until the new grass grows and the sod is set.

It’s stupid to have to resod the damn parks every single August. Seriously? Just go have the concert on an airplane tarmac and roast for all I care–but you’d probably ruin that, too by ripping up chunks of concrete and throwing it at each other.

Lolla also gives me a taste of what it must be like to live in Wrigleyville, with drunk asshole clueless suburbanite fans looking for some fun and stumbling around the neighborhood and crowding the Red Line.

grumpy cat bus fare cashIf you bought stuff in the neighborhood, maybe I might not be so pissy. Money talks. But you kids don’t shop at Macy’s or Target or Sears. You don’t go to the area bars and restaurants to eat and drink. Instead you drink wine in a flask and spill a bunch of beer in the mudpit. And when you do buy food at the Potbelly’s, you pay with CASH. Counting out from your wad of 20s (that was in a wallet loosely hanging from your back pocket. How secure.) USE A CREDIT CARD and PAY and GET OUT OF THE WAY. I promise you that Potbelly won’t steal your information. Use cash only as a last resort because it takes forever.

This also counts for bus fares. Pay before you get on the train. And here’s a time-saving tip. Buy a 1, 3, or 7 day pass from Walgreens instead of waiting in line at the train station. Or buy it at a train station farther away BEFORE you come downtown. And please don’t put in two dollar bills and a quarter on the bus. Or multiples of quarters. It takes so much time.

And not only do you not shop, you keep the locals away who (wisely) want to avoid the throngs of assholes.

chicagoans be like im taking the red lineThere is one thing you do right. You do take public transit over cars–thank you for that. Even though the Red Line is hella crowded, it’s so much better than smog.

While we’re talking about the Red Line–there is no personal space. Fortunately, most of you are already drunk before Lolla so you don’t care too much about that. You still do tend to crowd around the door– scoot in further. Alllllll the way to the center, and alllll the way to the end doors. There are handles everywhere. Hold onto those.  Also, don’t push through peoples’ grip on those poles while the train is moving. Get into position as you can, but wait until the ride has come to a complete stop before you can ram your way through the crowd.

not sure if lolla or a nudist colonyOh, those clothes. Can we talk about the clothes? Sure, show as much skin as you’d like, but wear sunscreen. And if you are over a certain age, midriffs are right out. I saw three women, maybe in their late 30s early 40s, wearing what the suburbanite teens were. Midriff shirts, except with their paunchy bellies hanging out. Those impractical high heel shoes and Lolla-fancy hair did nothing, NOTHING to distract me from those bellies. I needed eyebleach. Longer shirts, please. You’ll look younger if you dress right for your shape.

lolla higher than the signsOne more word to the wise–don’t do drugs. If you do, get off my lawn! I don’t want drugs in my neighborhod. Now, I don’t care too much about marijuana if you guys wanna smoke that. It’s hella lot better than cigarettes and cigars. But the cops do. And don’t be the guy who yells “Who wants molly?!” near a cop.

At least we get some revenue from bail money and fines.

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    Reading this article was more annoying than any lolla-goer will ever be. Get off your high horse and realize that you live in a city with all different kinds of people - if you don't like it, then leave. Complaining about where people choose to buy their train pass or how they pay for their food is ridiculous. I hope your condescending attitude is warranted by your perfect nature.

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