Progress: slowly but surely

Today sucks because it’s rainy, cloudy, and chilly, so in an effort to look on the bright side, I realized several instances of small progress.

Gay marriage, for one. That’s the biggest one. Ruled unconstitutional by a couple of judges within a circuit. Republican judges, at that, which automatically earns my admiration not because they’re going against the party line, but because they understand that interpreting the Constitution transcends political parties. It’s a sign that we are slowly progressing toward the idea that we shouldn’t discriminate against people.

My ability to handle anxiety. I still hate disappointing people, and making mistakes. It makes me cry and feel so dumb and depressed.  But I’m working on realizing when my perceptions magnify things unnecessarily. I found out that I had goofed something this morning, and felt the tears and frustration start to come on. But I realized it and worked to distract myself from ruminating on it. I have a hairband (or rubber band sometimes) on my wrist that I fiddle with, and that helped. Then I found another task I had to do that keeps me physically and mentally busy. Then I was back to normal. That’s definitely progress.

Memories. I’m remembering more memories. They surface more easily, and yet they don’t stir up too many emotions since I’m not examining them, yet. I don’t want to, I’m not ready to, but the good news is that somehow my brain decided that it was safe enough to release some of the memories from deep storage. Usually, I try to capture in writing and dwell in them just because I was afraid of never remembering it again, both the traumatic and non-traumatic ones. But for some reason I trusted that they will remain, and let them ebb and flow away. I might write them soon, the ones that were just normal family type memories. It still is progress.

And in something not related to trauma, I’m also making slow progress on my e-Portfolio for my MLIS. Technically I don’t take the course until fall, but I’m getting a head start on it thanks to my librarian friends who already finished theirs. I have a good sense of what is needed, so I’m going to do what I can this summer. Then I graduate in December!

Oh, and something else. I’m thinking about applying to the ALA’s Emerging Leaders program. How I want to just ignore this opportunity, just because I know I get all cranky and homebody during the winter! (it begins in January, one of my worst months…hello depression). Yet, the fact that I’m even considering this means that I am instinctively hopeful. I’m hopeful that I will continue to improve in therapy. I’m hopeful that my medication and therapy will keep depression from rearing its ugly head when the days get shorter. I’m hopeful of the future.

There you go. Some hope and progress. We can make it through this day. And the next day. And the next.

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