First, I’m sorry about my lack of writing since posting about that asshole Texas judge.
Second, I unwisely watched the video with the sound on after work that day. It was triggering, but I managed not to fall into the whole panic/breakdown thing. I just ended up really really antsy. I couldn’t focus. I was sort of hungry, but I wasn’t actually hungry. I wanted to do school, but I couldn’t focus on school. I kept thinking about my own childhood. It’s as if all abusive fathers take lessons on how to properly verbally abuse their children. My body was in a fight-or-flight sort of feeling, like I want to RUN. RUN the hell away. I always wanted to run away as a kid, but I knew my dad could run faster and farther than me (he’s not particularly athletic, though.) So I always had nightmares about being caught, being trapped.
Running is helping me work out the tangles of childhood.
Because I was antsy but couldn’t do anything else, I laced up and headed to the exercise room for a quick run. And did I ever run. Because I was too antsy, I could not stand running at my usual pace of 4.8mph, so I cranked it up to 5mph. And because I was too antsy, I couldn’t do my usual alternation between running and walking.
So I ran at 5mph for 2-3 times longer before my walking break at one point.
Afterward, I felt better. I was sufficiently tired, and exercising served as a form of exorcism from the obsessive rehashing of my bad memories.
Then my intestines acted as if they, too, were exorcised. Hello, toilet. Hello, Imodium.
It makes me wonder. Should I take magnesium shit-trate (citrate) before a marathon? Just to shit out all the stuff that gets turned to liquid while I run, before I run?
Or should I take Imodium and keep it all blocked up while I run for 5+ hours?
Ah, the glorious side effects of running.