My son would be 30 years old today

June 26, 1984 was the day my son, Matthew, was born.

I was happy, so happy. I had successfully delivered him V-BAC which at that point in my life mattered to me. He was a boy, at that point in my life gender of a baby seemed significant. I made triumphant phone calls and even ordered breakfast.

Then my pediatrician came to see me. All she said was, “Matthew has a heart murmur.”  But I knew. We communicated at a molecular level.

June 30, 1984 was the day my son, Matthew, died.

In between time he was switched to U of Chicago and then Children’s Memorial where he didn’t survive the heart surgery. I still have the hand written laundry list of all that was wrong with his tiny heart.

My son would be 30 years old today and I still just wish it all had never happened. But it did and all my life’s experiences have made me who I am.30 b

Who am I?

I am a person who values every single human life and every baby.

I am a person who knows what is important in life.

I am a person who hopes for the best but still fears the worst.

I am a woman who knows you can never predict who will die nor when.

I am a woman who loves other women and the families they have built.

I am a woman who knows that genetic bonds are nothing, they are not what constitutes family.

I am a wife whose only fear about her husband is that he won’t let her die first.

I am a Mom whose love for all my children is organic, fierce and the essence of who I am.

I am a Grandma whose joy and pleasure in my granddaughter is overboard. Way beyond overboard.

I am a human being that knows that our connection to other human beings is what make us happy and fulfilled.

Why am I all of this?

Because I was and am a Mom to all of my children but today, I am mainly Matthew’s Mom.

Happy birthday dear son of mine. I love you still and always.

I mainly blog about quilting. Check out my Facebook page. Like the page, check the get notifications and join the conversation! If you want to keep reading my blog, you can subscribe. To do so, type your email address in the box and click the “create subscription” button. That’s all, you’re done. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.

I have written about the experience of losing a child before.

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