Abercrumbie & Flitch Under Fire: Old People Should Stay Out of Malls

-By Warner Todd Huston

Abercrumbie & Flitch, the trendy fashion retailer, is under fire from customers and the media for its newest sales campaign. The retailer is calling it “Old sCOOL” and features scantily clad elderly folks modeling the store’s latest line of apparel.

Store spokesman and mastermind of the campaign, Stewart Kindly, said that the new campaign is meant to bring older customers back into the stores because, “Old people are cool, ya know?”

Mr. Kindly said that increasingly, older Americans are feeling left out of the loop in America’s malls where the retailer has most of its outlets. The chain felt that it was time to let the aged and infirm have a chance to “dress like a slut.”

“Yeah, I mean, old folks have this reputation of having their pants up around their waists, or wearing lots of shawls and scarves over their blue hair, right? Well, we think grandma wants to show some skin, man,” Kindly told reporters. “And they do it, ya know?”

But long-time customers under the age of 20 are appalled by the new campaign.

“It’s really disgustin,” said Laweesha Tucker, 19. “Thinkin’ of my grandma wearing a bellyshirt, a mini skirt and knee-high boots is like… I just don’t want to even think of it.”

Justin Dutch, 17, feels the same way. “Old people should not be allowed to act like sluts like this,” he said. “They should stay out of malls, too. They just aren’t wanted here. It’s were we kids go to buy our dope, and CDs and stuff. We don’t want old people around.”

Ethan Kruller of Grandparents Residing Under Managed Programs (GRUMP) said that elderly people need to be more careful of their reputations and appearance and that Abercrumbie & Flitch should cease its new campaign immediately so that the elderly are not exploited just to bring up sales. “People will think these oldsters are easy, or something,” he said.

GRUMP released a new information campaign to help people learn ways to keep their elderly parents or neighbors from too easily leaving the house.

“Our goal is to make sure your shut in is shut in,” says the brochure.

Abercrumbie & Flitch has not responded to inquiries as to whether they will suspend the new sales campaign.

“Come on, look at this old lady,” A&F spokesman Kindly said pointing to one of the sales campaign’s photos. “She’s hot, right?”

Reporters, though, have been made aware of witnesses seeing A&F spokesman Kindly leaving A&F headquarters through a back door carrying a cardboard box of belongings. A&F will not respond to questions of whether they’d fired the campaign’s creator and spokesman.

But all this notoriety doesn’t deter Gladys Hadim of New York. The 82-year-old said that she likes the new line of skimpy clothes. “Sometimes I just want to get my freak on, dude,” she said as she shopped from her power scooter.

The voice of former spokesman Stewart Kindly was heard somewhere behind Gladys as she was interviewed. “That’s what I’M Talkin’ about,” he said.

Gladys Hadim did not respond to questions of why she took out a restraining order on Kindly, however.

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Tags: Culture, Humor

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