-By Warner Todd Huston
The last book of the famous Lord of the Rings Trilogy is ripe for some updating, so here’s a proposal to that end. The Dark Lord Sauron is a perfect evil villain, of course. He’s shadowy, unseen, hard to grasp, but pervasive and the personification of oppression and evil. But his name needs to be updated and so does his downfall in order to reflect today’s sensibilities.
So, instead of being named Lord Sauron, his new name will be the Dark Lord ACORN. See, the evil still works but it’s updated, ya know?
Now we all know that in the original final book of LOTR, The Return of the King, the Dark Lord and his forces are beaten by the combined forces of the good people of Middle Earth. Evil is vanquished and all live forever after in love and harmony. The age of magic does pass, but a new idyllic age of man dawns.
Well, poppycock says I. We all know that evil isn’t so easily vanquished, don’t we? We need to rewrite the demise of the evil Lord ACORN to one more befitting of reality.
So, as Breitbart the White gathers his forces to wage mortal battle with the Dark Lord ACORN we see a whole new cast of characters sallying forth to defeat evil on the earth.
We’ll find the happy-go-lucky Jurno O’Keefe who carries with him the magical golden camcorder. With the glare of its unblinking eye that sees all it is this magical device that serves as the one weapon that can kill the evil Lord ACORN.
Also we’ll meet the plucky Hana that serves as Journo O’Keefe’s right hand girl, always ready to put on her cloak of faux prostituteability so that she might slip by the lumbering, doltish gatekeeper trolls that Lord ACORN employs in his many dungeons and lairs.
We find good King Roger of Ailes the brave ranger that fearlessly confronts evil Lord ACORN and leads his band of the FOX against them.
This band of hardy fighters for all good peoples everywhere have taken to the field of battle to face down the dark forces of Lord ACORN. Breitbart the White brings along his people of the outlying lands of BLOG to his side and the dark forces are laid low in a great battle played out before the eyes of the world.
The evil Dark Lord ACORN knows that Journo O’Keefe is focusing his magical golden camcorder on him and he feels the heat and light of the eyes of the people upon him. His mighty powers are shrinking as his once powerful allies in the land of Congress are fleeing from the field in abject terror of Breitbart the White, his people of BLOG, and their allies from the land of voters who begin to gain the upper hand.
The Dark Lord ACORN knows that he’s about to lose everything. His minions are being convicted of voter fraud right and left, he’s lost his outpost in the Ohio Valley, his finances are drying up. The evil Lord ACORN knows that he must do something too, maybe fall back, regroup, recharge his fading power. Something must be done before the Dark Lord is defeated utterly.
Then the evil Lord ACORN realizes what he must do. If he stays on the field of battle much longer he will be destroyed, he knows this. So, in a last ditch effort he crafts a spell of invisibility for himself and his remaining forces.
The Evil Lord ACORN is now simply going to be known as “Californians for Community Empowerment,” or “New York Communities for Change.” No more is he Lord ACORN. Perhaps no one will notice, he thinks. If he just changes his name but keeps all his evil troll warriors and monstrous war dogs in place, perhaps no one will notice that Lord ACORN still exists but just changed his name? And so, the Dark Lord ACORN, after much loss, slinks away, changes his name and hopes that no one will realize he still lives to continue his acts of evil.
Will Breitbart the White, Journo O’Keefe, the plucky Hanna, and King Roger of Ailes and his forces of the FOX be fooled? Will the people of the land of BLOG have the wool pulled over their eyes to the fact that the Dark Lord ACORN is but hiding in plain sight? Will the people of Voter turn away imagining that the battle is won when nothing could be farther from the truth?
Tune in as the story continues…