It Takes A Girlfriend

It takes a village to raise a child.  And, lately, I have realized that it takes a group of girlfriends to raise a mother.  I am seven years into this mothering thing, and I couldn’t do it without the help and companionship of my female friends.

At the very beginning, when we first got K, I really had only one close girlfriend who was a mom. The rest of my friends were still single or married without kids, and I started off my mothering career with a mom’s group that included just two of us – my friend Loren and me.

I clung to our weekly lunches during my lonely maternity leave.  We did not live close to each other, but I happily drove 45 minutes each way to see Loren and her daughter C.

I remember confiding in Loren that I was struggling with the sudden jump from a busy career to motherhood, and she reassured me that it was normal to feel out of sorts and a little lost.

When K was five months old, my friend Beth had a baby boy, and she became another girlfriend guru, and several months after that, my friend Sharon had a baby girl.  Then I met Jodi at a Gmyboree class, and we became fast friends.  Slowly, I was building a community of mom friends.

Seven years later, with three kids who go to different schools and have multiple activities, my circle of mom friends is extensive. There are girlfriends from every walk of life who are walking me through my life.

Once an isolated new mom, I now rely on girlfriends from the elementary school and the preschool, the ballet school and the music school, the gym and the park and the playgroup, moms who I meet in the waiting room at the doctor’s office and moms who I exchange phone numbers with after a spin class, and each one brings her own form of mom wisdom and comfort to me.

Interestingly, my best girlfriends represent a wide range of parenting styles.  One is very much into attachment parenting; another has more of a tough love approach.  One advocates early separation and independence; another does not even send her kids to preschool.  Some work outside the house full time; others rarely hire a babysitter for an hour.

I watch these girlfriends of mine, and I notice that they all have great kids.  I used to think that watching others could help teach me the right way to parent, but I see that there is no such thing, because my girlfriends vary in their beliefs, and the kids are doing okay regardless.  The common factor is that the children are loved.

What my girlfriends are teaching me is how to follow my own mothering instincts so I can develop my own parenting style.  They laugh with me over the terrible moments and express support when things go well.  They
bring food when a baby is born or a child is sick.  Most importantly, they are there.

Just yesterday, my girlfriend Jen was over for lunch.  Our 3-year-old daughters were playing together beautifully, and I tried to put my new baby, C, down for a nap in her crib.  C screamed and screamed.  I sat with my friend Jen, and we talked about the process of sleep training.  She smiled when she saw that my coffee table was covered with different parenting books: The Secrets of the Baby Whisperer, BabyWise. etc.

While C cried, Jen and I tried to eat lunch.  Every ten minutes, I went upstairs to console Cleo and then leave the room, like one of the books suggested.  I came back to the table and insisted to Jen that I would stick it out, that I would teach C to self-soothe and put herself to sleep.  After an hour straight of screaming, I couldn’t take it anymore.  I was near tears myself.  I got my sling, fetched C, and nestled her close to my heart.  She instantly calmed down, and so did I.

Jen didn’t judge me for caving in, just like she didn’t judge me for letting C try crying it out.  She simply said, “It’s really hard, isn’t it?”  I was so grateful to have a girlfriend around.

Later that afternoon, I was relaying the story to another girlfriend who is trying to sleep train her third baby.  We mused over how we should know what we are doing by now.  After all, we have done this twice before. Yet we are both struggling with our new babies just like any new mom.  It sure was nice to see I am not alone.

My girlfriends are key supporters, even when they don’t have experiences similar to mine.  Before our reunion with K’s birth family, I was able to share my worries and fears with my mom friends, even though none of them are parenting an adopted child in an open adoption.  By imagining themselves in my situation, they were able to offer astute
observations and helpful advice.

What we always will have in common is that we are moms, and we want our children to grow up to be well-adjusted, productive members of society. We want them to have healthy relationships and lead stable lives.

We want them to have a community where they belong.  I think about how much nicer it is to be a mom when I have girlfriends along for the ride.  A village is helping to raise my children, but within that village, my girlfriends are helping to raise me as a mother.

Follow Portrait of an Adoption on Facebook

Leave a comment