The Fake Birthmother


This post is the follow-up to “Meeting Kirstyn” which was posted on June 6, 2010. 

To:    Carrie Goldman
Subject: Re: emails…

good morning to you too…

dinner with the family went well…we had
chicken…hamburgers…and hot dogs…and of course i
stopped and picked up taco bell to take along with
me…but i was too sick to really eat anything…

as for the vote…me going there was the winner…i
need to work things out with my work to make sure
everything is covered…and then should be able to
find the best dates to fly out…

yes…i do like animals…i have a cat named
lucifer…(from the cinderella movie)…but he lives up
to his name…he truly is the cat from hell…my dad’s
farm is mainly…hay…corn…cows…sheep…horses…

as for how i am feeling today…i am making it…my
belly hurts…but i am plugging along…i don’t know if
it is the pregnancy…or if i have the flu
bug…(pouts)…i think i am just a whiner…

welp…i need to run my reports…and get my budgets
squared away before i take leave…take care…and
have a wonderful day…and i will talk to you later…

just me…tyn and bbg (baby girl)…

To:    Carrie Goldman
Subject: Re: flight options


i am excited too…i am working through my work
options now…to see when i can take off…thursday
night most likely will not be an option for me…i
would leave after work thursday for salt lake
city…get there about 1:00 in the morning…and then
could fly out on friday morning…and…i look forward
to meeting everyone…


To:    Carrie Goldman
Subject: Re: flight options


i will have to fly out of salt lake city…my car has
to be fixed before june 30 or else i am out of luck on
that…it was the agreement at the time of purchase…

do you have a number that my doctors office can fax
the proof of pregnancy to…i will put a call into the
office first thing tomorrow…they are closed on
sundays and mondays…

i have frequent flyer miles with american
airlines…so i could use them…but i do not have
enough on southwest to really amount to anything…i
will fly with either airline…i am kinda looking
online at flight times right now…

just me…kirstyn…

To:    Carrie Goldman     
Subject:    Re: flight options


ron is emailing me and asking me about the jewish
faith…can you tell me a little more about
it…specifically…what is your belief about death
and your view of other religions…

i will need to get a flight out of salt lake city or
provo…my mom cannot go with me…(frowns)…the car
place will not let her have a loaner car…so she
would be on foot…i will have my sister drop me off
at the airport on her way to work…and then i will
not even have the dealership give me a loaner…

thanks for the fax number…i will get that taken care
of asap…


Subject:    ADOPTION

Andrew and Carrie,
I am writing this email on Saturday afternoon.  I tried calling you a few times yesterday but there was no answer.  So email will have to do for now.  Tyn and I have been looking at your profile for the past few weeks and felt impressed to get into contact with you and see where you were in the adoption process. 

Tyn says that you are extremely interested and looking forward to adopting a child and are not matched with a birthmother at this time.  I know that Tyn has told you some about me, which I am sure makes you have a shaded view of who I am.  I care very much about Tyn and feel horribly for what I have put her through as well as my own family. 

I guess starting off I will share a little bit about myself.  My name is Ron and I am 35 years old.  I grew up in New York and moved to California about eight years ago to pursue a career in law enforcement.  I am married and have two children who are 9 and 6.  Tyn has really changed my life for the better and unfortunately she has been hurt in the process.  She has made me a better person and helped me get back on track with my family. 

We are searching for adoptive parents for our baby that will give her a happy and healthy life and adoptive parents that will teach her to be independent.  I have talked to Tyn very briefly about your conversations but through their briefness I can see that she has developed a quick friendship with the two of you.  I am married, therefore phone conversations at any time of day are hard for me to manage. 

My wife knows about the pregnancy and is dealing with it as well as can be expected but I tend to keep her away from it as much as possible as it upsets her, which is expected and understandable.  I do have a couple questions for you and please know that you can ask me anything.
Are you willing to be involved in the birth?
Are you willing to allow Tyn to call during the first week or two after delivery?
How open are you wanting in an adoption plan?
Do you believe in God?
What religion do you belong to?
Do you attend services on a regular basis?
Are you planning on adopting other children?
Would you describe yourselves as an active family?
I know more questions will come up as we get to know one another more.  I shall sign off for now and we will keep in touch.
Sincerely, Ron

To:    Carrie Goldman     
Subject:    Re: flight options


thanks so much for sharing and answering …and thanks for sending
that to ron also…i never had friends of the Jewish
faith while growing up…i don’t know if the Jewish
faith was just not as prominent around here as other
religions were…i do not consider myself Mormon…i
was raised Mormon but have not attended the church for
nearly ten years now…i go many times with my boss
and her family to the church of the Nazarene…or i go
to a non denominational church nearby…ron is not
Mormon…he attends a Pentecostal church…ron has his
masters degree in church ministries…i find your
values very much like the values i believe in…that
makes me feel good…


To:    Carrie Goldman
Subject:    Re: this weekend


yes…i am feeling so much better…i had some yogurt
this morning on my way to work…it came up after i
got here…but i think it was down long enough for
some of it to have stayed in my system…

i am excited about this weekend also…i can hardly
wait…i feel like a little kid at christmas time…

i will call my sister-in-law…she gets into work at
10:00…and see if she can get you a deal on a
room…and she will book it under my name…(it will
have to be registered in her/my last name for the
employee rate)…if that doesnt work…i would suggest
the courtyard marriott…and the number there is (505)
325-5111…if you stay there…andrew should be able
to use his government rate there…if he shows proof
of being employed by his school district…

i have to go to a meeting…so i will talk to you
later gator…


To:    Karen Cho
Subject:    Re: any word? 

Hey Karen-

Sorry I had to leave so abruptly yesterday!  By the way, you have to
give me more details on Teach for America!!!! Congrats again- that is
the best!  I am really happy for you!

We are actually flying to New Mexico Friday night to meet Kirstyn.  She
is too far along to fly here.  We are excited but VERY cautious- this is
not a definite deal at all.  For one thing, the birthfather is really
balking at the fact that we are Jewish and he wants to place the baby
with a Christian couple that he knows.

For another thing, Kirstyn has not yet called my adoption agency or sent
a proof of pregnancy- so we are taking a bit of a leap of faith by
going out there- but she seems excited that we are coming and we do have
excellent, long phone calls each night.  It is going to be a very long 6
weeks, very nerve-wracking- hopefully she will fall in love with us
this weekend and convince Ron that we are the best choice.

We are going to Sunday dinner with her family- yikes! 

Very scary.  Terrifying to get our hopes up again . . . but the fact
that she invited us there is a good sign, so keep your fingers crossed- I
am still at work- gotta go and get stuff done- thanks for writing and
I’ll keep you posted- pray for us that this is the one-


June 18, 2003.  Tomorrow Andrew and I are flying to New Mexico to meet
Kirstyn.  We already have our plane tickets, and we have set up an
appointment in Albuquerque with an adoption attorney, Harold (Hal)

We called our parents to tell them that we found a birth mother who is
eight months pregnant with a baby girl.  We will be meeting her this
weekend.  Our families are bursting with excitement, with joy.  I am
giddy.  I tell Vince, my boss, and explain that I will most likely take
maternity leave during the summer after the baby is born.  He puts in a
call to HR for me, so that we can get it set up. 

Before going to grab some lunch, I check my email.  I love emailing back
and forth with Kirstyn.  I feel that much closer to the baby.

To:    Carrie Goldman
Subject:    Fwd: Wednesday

sighs…look what i just got from ron…let me tell
you…if he were here…i would smack him…i
swear…men drive me totally and completely nuts…


I hope you are having a good day.  I am sure that you
are ready for the weekend.  I was
talking to Jack the other night at Brionney’s
graduation and the conversation of adoption came up.
He and Wayne are looking into adoption.  I know that
you do not agree with the lifestyle they have but I
feel they would be great parents.  You have met both
of them and there would be no concern of the baby’s
financial security and you have seen Brionney with
Jack and you know that she just adores him.  Also, we
would both have the opportunity to see the baby
whenever we wanted.  I think this is an avenue that we
should explore.  Let me know of your thoughts.  You
can reach me at the office, I will be here until 3:30
my time.

Just for your information; your work email is not
working, it is bumping everything back to me.  Do you
think they will ever get your server running right?

Warm thoughts, Ron

I call Kirstyn, trying not to panic.  She tells me that she does not
think it is a good idea for Andrew and me to come out there.  She wants
to try to work things out with Ron.  We hang up the phone and I am
struggling for composure. 

This cannot be happening. 

I break into sobs as I call Andrew at work and tell him. 

Our adoption counselor Maggie tells me that she never thought Kirstyn was real. 

“Carrie, if it sounds too good to be true, it usually is.  Kirstyn is
not the right profile for a birthmother.  Look at the facts.  She is a
college-educated, financially stable woman with a good job.  She has a
supportive family; she is old enough to raise a child . . she says the
reason she wants to place the baby for adoption is because it needs a

But that alone is not enough of a reason for a woman like Kirstyn to
place a child for adoption.  She has backed out of coming to visit you
once.  Now, the day before you are supposed to visit her, she backs
out.  She doesn’t want to meet, because she isn’t real.  She has never
called the agency, never sent a proof of pregnancy.”

I want so desperately to believe Kirstyn is real. I look for her on the
Internet on Yahoo’s PeopleSearch® and find no record of her.  She had
given me the name of her doctor and the hospital where she will deliver,
so I look up the hospital and call to see if a doctor by that name
admits patients there.  There is no doctor by that name. 

Kirstyn had told me that she regularly attends a birthmother support
group run by the Lutheran Church in Albuquerque, New Mexico.   I call
the Lutheran Church in Albuquerque.  They have no birthmother support
groups anywhere in Albuquerque.

Yesterday I had asked Kirstyn for her phone number at home so we could
call her when we arrived in Albuquerque.  She gave me her roommate’s
name, Wendy Jones, and phone number, 505-327-7895. 

Trembling, I actually dial the number.  I get a disconnected message. 
Feeling cold and sick, I type the number into Google, because Google
will pull up addresses associated with phone lines.  The number that
Kirstyn gave me was the number for a gas station in Farmington. 
Specifically, it was Graves Oil & Butane Co, Graves Service
Stations, (505) 327-7895, 1721 E 20th St, Farmington, NM 87401. 

It felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach.  My God, she must be a fraud.  She has disappeared into thin air.  I think of all the hours I spent on the phone with her.  We had picked a name for her baby together.

Our grief was terrible.

Several months later, I tried to send an email to Kirstyn at the Yahoo
address we had been using for all the earlier communication.  It came
back undeliverable, saying that there was no one with that name. 
To:    Carrie Goldman 
Subject:    Delivery failure

Message from
Unable to deliver message to the following address(es).

This user doesn’t have a account ( [-5]

This user doesn’t have a account ( [0]

I sent Maggie copies of all the emails Kirstyn sent me. 

Maggie called.  “She’s good, Carrie.  Really good.  I can see how you would believe her.  But it isn’t real.” 

We went on to discuss all the things that didn’t add up.  Kirstyn kept
saying that she asked her doctors’ office to fax the proof of pregnancy
to our adoption agency, yet somehow it never happened.  Her roommate did
not exist.  The phone numbers were fishy.  Kirstyn managed to untangle
from the relationship right when Andrew and I were supposed to meet
her.  The facts were staring at me. 

But I did not see Kirstyn for who she was because I wanted so badly to adopt her baby. 

Who does this?  Who seeks out vulnerable people and plays mind games
like this?  Why would she do this?  Who is she in real life?  Does she
want attention?  How many other desperate adoptive parents has she drawn
into her world? 

Goodbye, Kirstyn, or whoever you are. 

Please stay away from us.


Leave a comment
  • OMG!!!!! That is terrible. Now I understand why you were so "hard" on me!!! LOL. I am so sorry you went through that, but I guess you had to in order to find me, and Katie Bear!!!! I completely understand now how I must have scared you to death!!!! I hope that woman doesn't victimize anyone ever again. May God have mercy on her.

  • In reply to memarshall1:

    Yeah, it was pretty awful. After all we had been through that year, her betrayal was the straw that broke the camel's back. I cried for days. I wonder where she is now.

  • In reply to memarshall1:

    I am so sorry she did that to you. You know what though, she is the one that lost out. You and Andrew are the greatest parents (and friends) in the world, and I am honored to be your birthmother.

  • In reply to memarshall1:

    I know this is a little late to comment on this post, but I just found your blog because of Katie's Star Wars saga. We adopted our son in November 2009, but in the summer of 2009, we were also scammed by a birthmother. We actaully met with her and the agency social workers in June. She had the baby in the beginning of July, a month premature, but chose to lie to the social workers for another month until her due date when she disappeared. We only found out the baby had been born because she signed a HEPA agreement allowing the agency to talk to her OB. It was so puzzling and hurtful an experience especially since there wasn't any reason for it. No money had exchanged hands. Plus, it was our second disappointment. The first was much more straighforward. The mother simply chose to mother once her baby was born.
    You capture how heartbreaking that experience is, and there is nothing at that time that can make it better. However, all the years of yearning and months of fearing it would all slip through our fingers again, our son was born, and the moment I held him all the pain was put into prespective. It was like women say labor is. After everything, the pain is the least of it.
    Thank you for sharing.

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