OK, so anyone with working grey-matter (not always a given, BTW) knows that the best medicine for COVID-19 will be a vaccine to eradicate it (#onedayhopefullysoonpleaseGodBuddhaYodawhomever).
In my various stages of freaking out about this disease, I’ve come to see that the second-best medicine in this mess is finding something to laugh about.
Of course, there’s nothing funny about intubation, coma and death, all of which this damned thing can cause. But in this “new abnormal” we now share, there ARE some perverse and amusing elements.
- The Corona-15. As in pounds. That we’re gaining from all the comfort food and booze. Buy stock in Nutrisystem and Seattle Sutton’s Healthy Eating, my babies. They’re gonna skyrocket, as we try to get our fat arses under control.
- Driving with masks on. I still can’t get used to this. It’s like we’re all coming from having pulled a bank job.
- Going without a haircut. It’s the 70’s all over again, baby – Shaggy City. I wouldn’t be surprised if the male (pony) tail, a la George Carlin, regained popularity. Bell-bottoms then will follow, then tie-die, then the end of civilization as we know it.
- Going without your Brazilian. No, not soccer – the full wax-off of your nether-region. Again, we just might be entering the 70’s again here. Bush returns – and I don’t mean George Herbert Walker.
- Having sex from 6 feet away. Still can’t figure out how this is done – but I’d sure like to meet the man who can show me!
- Sneezing and coughing without explaining it. “I don’t have it! Stop giving me the stink-eye!” Nobody can have regular colds or allergies anymore. We’re now all Typhoid Mary until proven innocent.
- YouTube vids on alternatives to toilet paper. You think I’m kidding? O the humanity.
- Looking in the background when famous people FaceTime or Zoom. This has become the national pastime. I’m tired of all the pristine apartments and bookshelves with obelisks and the complete works of Shakespeare. Just once I want to see bondage gear, a full cat box or a huge pile of dirty laundry. (I.e. – my house.)
- All the congregating beach-goers. Selfish fools – splashing while Rome burns.
- The conspiracy-theorists. You know – the government weaponized the virus against us to thin the herd; the G-7 leaders made a pact with Satan, sacrificing its citizens for better sex and more hair; Tom Hanks brought the virus back from Australia and single-handedly infected the United States through mind-control. I’m surprised Elvis hasn’t yet figured into the mix – “Elvis’s Ghost Formulated COVID-19 In Exchange For Banana Pudding In Heaven.”
- How forward-thinking burqa-wearers were. I’m betting not a lot of these ladies have contracted the disease, unless you can get it through your ankles.
- Coronavirus songs. Springsteen: Bored in the USA; the Stones: (I Can’t Get No) Sanitation; Madonna: Papa, Don’t Sneeze; Queen: Coronian Rhapsody; Stevie Wonder: I Just Called To Say I Don’t Have It.
And so, my babies – mask-up, keep your distance, wash your paws, and keep looking for the humor in our sitch. It’s out there, and it’s contagious – in a good way!
Thanks for reading! Snarky comments, love letters and advice to: planetMichelle4u@gmail.com
Filed under: humor