There are now officially 35,413,781,024 blogs on The Internets (I counted). Blogs on every topic imaginable by myriad world citizens, some sane, with one thing in common: they all think that they have something dazzling to impart to the non-blogging populace.
It takes talent, confidence (i.e., narcissism), no small amount of luck and a ripping good idea to have a successful blog. Take it from one who doesn’t – these are all vital factors.
Not every blog makes it. I’m thinking that about 1/100th of 1% actually develop a respectable readership (hey, that’s still over 3 million blogs snarling it up for the rest of us). Due to bad luck, bad timing, the 13-second attention span of the online reader or just a really horrible concept, blogs fall by the wayside every day. Some may return, retooled, but most just immolate like a funeral pyre.
Here are just a smattering of blogs that went off the tracks:
The World According to Fred. Just a guy from Montana, who enjoyed disco-ing with sheep and believed that all redheads were female. Fred ate only meat and foods containing Splenda, and he constantly espoused the evils of the leek. He loved to post selfies wearing only bolero vests. Fred was arrested in 2015 for trying to shave a man’s legs in a police lineup, but copped an insanity plea. He currently resides in the Montana Home for the Unpleasant.
The Pervert’s Guide to Local Parks. By a real sleazebag named Larry Moronsic. Never even made it to first publication – just as soon as Larry hit “Publish,” a SWAT team broke down his apartment door and fired several warning shots into his head. Larry was buried in an old refrigerator and is missed by absolutely no one.
That’s MISS Ross To You! Deluded gal who was convinced that she was Diana Ross. Constant vids of her (badly) singing all the Supremes’ hits. Her take on Ain’t No Mountain High Enough was memorable in that she sang the song in three separate keys, just not the key it was written in. Looking at all of her ever-changing weaves was a hoot, though.
Bob’s B.O. Blog. Legendary deodorant blog. Bob spent an entire month deciding Anti-Perspirant Or Deodorant? And longer for Stick vs. Roll-on. His Ode to Aluminum Clorhydrate was lovely.
People Who’s Name is on the Periodic Table of the Elements. Flawed concept, in that the blogger came up with exactly three people: Actor Ron Silver, Entourage’s Ari Gold and rock icon Freddie Mercury. He tried to have us believe that stripper Platinum P_ _ _ y Patti qualified, but was vilified in the Comments section.
Dirty Word of the Day Blog. Fun concept, except that the blogger ran out of words on the 133rd day. Tried to comp with nonsense words like “cochnubbin” “clubbilingus,” “titmongering” and “analllicious,” but ran out of those, too.
My Life in Underpants. A dude who chronicled each new purchase of underwear. Accompanying vlog. As there were thongs and slings, the vlog was not for the weak of heart. Some banana-hammocks just can’t be un-seen.
Our 8 Dead Dogs. Heartfelt, if maudlin, tribute blog to Ophelia, Romeo, Desdimona, Portia, Juliet, Falstaff, Laertes and alas, poor Yorick. If you had seen their carpeting, it gave new meaning to the phrase, “Out, damned spot!”
Recipes of the Third Reich. In a horribly misduiged attempt to prove that even a satanic regime can spout decent cuisine, this blogger unearthed recipes such as Adolf’s Killer Kraut, Ava’s Braun-schweiger, Stormtrooper Stew, Frau Mengele’s Meat Loaf, Goebbels’ Gobbler Dressing, Monterey Jack-boot & Apple Tart, Speer Beer, Himmler’s Simmered Roast Boar. Blog was personally shut down by German Chancellor Angela Merkel.
Bernard’s Best Sex Positions – History, Pictorials and Execution. More for the connoisseur than just the average horn-dog, Bernard was much more than your average degenerate historian; he was a human pretzel. Several of his more famous positions – The Cincinnati Clusterfuck, The Reverse Frontal Upside-down Ceiling-Suspended Cowgirl, The Dutch Door Do-Me and of course, the Conjoined Chinese Split In-and-Out ended up in the Perversion Hall of Fame in Blue Ball, PA. The blog ended when, at his sister’s wedding reception, Bernard broke his penis in a janitorial-closet tryst with the father of the groom – a figurative and literal coming out of the closet, as it were.
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