Jesus, Allah, Buddha and Abraham meet for a nosh and to vanquish global hatred


Heaven’s H-5. (Krishna, left, could not attend this one, due to Pakistan issues & indigestion.)

The H-5 Summit convened this past week – the annual meeting of five of Heaven’s top leaders – to discuss the state of the world, particularly the worrisome global reemergence of hatred.

In attendance were Jesus, Allah, Buddha and Abraham. Krishna had urgent business in Pakistan and was unable to attend, but was kept informed by texts.

The meeting was held at the Nirvana Marriott in Heaven’s upscale Divine-Being district.  A buffet of deviled eggs, heavenly hash and angelfood cake was served, along with wine, mead, decaf, and a tray of knishes, stuffed dates and assorted finger sandwiches for later noshing.

Here is a recap of the conference:

Jesus:  Bless you all for coming.  As you know, the world is in deplorable condition.  Newly-minted Nazis have crawled from fetid swamps to create havoc anew.  The KKK is again prancing around in pointy percale.  ISIS and ISIL are causing death, destruction and serious hummus shortages. The American President wants to jettison immigrants, some over a wall, some, overseas. Krishna himself is absent today due to increased insurrection in Pakistan and a little heartburn. There is much to discuss.

Abraham (looks slighty sheepish): Gentlemen, I hope it is all right that I am here in place of my ruler, the great I Am, who sends his regrets along with this lovely Mogen David. His back is acting up again.

(The others nod approval.)

Jesus:  Of course, Abraham.  You are welcome, always.  Please give the great I Am our respect and wishes for improved health.  And thank you for the wine.  The Pomegranate is my favorite!

Allah (a bit miffed): All well and good, but Jesus Christ, why do YOU get to lead the meeting?  Since several of us have renegade factions responsible for much of the chaos of which you speak, I say it should be myself or Abraham.

Abraham:  I must agree with Allah.  (Under his breath) Oy – that’s a first!

Buddha:  In the lush garden of discussion, there is room for all flowers.

Allah:  What does that mean? (Under his breath) Hippie.

Jesus:  Now, now, fellow-devines.  The rotund one is correct.  We all have value to contribute. Our topic is how to disspell the hatred caused by the benighted followers we all have.  Let us continue.

Buddha:  Thank you, Jesus.  It is my nature to abet harmony and eschew the discord of the disharmonious.

Jesus (rolls eyes):  Thank you, Buddha.  Let us get back on-track now.

Abraham:  Agreed.  I posit the first order of business be the neo-Nazi problem.  I have to tell you, our people are pretty faklempt at the prospect of dealing with those schmucks again.

Allah:  I feel your pain, Abe. I’ve been trying to talk sense into our ISIS fools for years. For some ungodly reason, they seem to think that I want people beheaded and blown to bits in my name!  Can you believe it?  Talk about confused! I just can’t get through to those camel’s sphincters.

Jesus:  I, too, can relate. Atrocities are committed in my name far too often. I mean, my brand’s message is pretty simple – Love One Another.  How my zealots turned that into bombing women’s clinics and shooting up gay nightclubs I’ll never know.

Buddha:  Not to shine a braggart’s light, but other than our current deplorable situation in Myanmar, I cannot recall too many killings done in the name of Buddhism. Yet we all teach essentially the same tenets – love, tolerance, peace.  Why has the message not taken firmer hold in your followers?

(The other three furrow their brows and look puzzled.  Buddha sits, serene, hands clasped on belly.)

Allah:  The round one asks a good question. Could it be something as simple as that he’s cuter?

Buddha:  Oh, no, Allah. You are fine-looking god, what with your abundant facial hair and well-wrapped turban.  A most prepossessing sight!

Allah (embarassed):  Oh. Thank you.

Abraham:  Hey, I know I’m not a god, but I’m not exactly chopped liver, either.

Buddah:  Of course, brother Abraham – you, too are a fine specimen.  The shock of white hair suits you.

Jesus (under his breath) Oh for Pete’s sake…. Let’s agree we’re all gorgeous and move on, shall we? We must get back to the neo-Nazis. We need a tactic with bite here. These creeps are championing the Holocaust, ramming into law-abiding protestors with motor cars and jabbing at people with tiki-torches!

Buddha (earnestly): So chanting would probably be less than effective?

Abraham:  We could drop bagels on them – but with no schmear!  That would drive ’em nuts.  I know it would drive me nuts.

Allah:  I would suggest something less edible and more direct.  These Nazi and KKK and ISIS cretins understand only force.  So let’s send down the HEAT – the Heavenly Ecumenical Assault Team – to beat the living shish-kababs out of them!

Abraham:  NOW you’re talking!  Talk of peace and love isn’t gonna separate lunatics from their swastikas and scimitars.  I agree with Allah – let’s send the heavenly guard down and beat them senseless!

(Buddha just sits there, taking it all in.)

Jesus:  GENTLEMEN, PLEASE!  My ears cannot believe what they are hearing!  Are you actually espousing violence?  We cannot beat the bejesus out of people!  Have we learned nothing from hundreds of wars and the Jerry Springer show?

Allah:  Well, your Bible does mention that “eye for an eye” thing …..

Jesus (lets out a snort of frustation):  I don’t really think that should be taken literally in modern times, Allah. Everyone would be blind! Most untenable.

Abraham:  Well, I’m out of solutions. Infidels do whatever the heck they want. Our collective words don’t seem to matter anymore.

Jesus:  I do understand your frustration. But words are our best weapons, my friends. We must continue to speak to the hearts and minds of ALL people.

Allah:  And especially to Earth’s leaders. Even that loose cannon in the White House.

Abraham:  And to children. Don’t forget children. We must reach them before they are taught to hate.

Buddha (beatific smile):  Now you are understanding.  Our followers pray to us. And we must speak to them tenfold.  Of love. Tolerance. Peace.  And we keep speaking – again and again and again. Until someone hears us again. And takes action again.  The most beautiful of human traits are love, courage and vision.  Generations come and go, but those will never die.

(Allah, Jesus and Abraham smile and nod in agreement.)

Jesus:  Yes!  As there has been a Martin Luther King, an Elie Wiesel, a Mohandas Gandhi, a Lech Walesa, a Nelson Mandela, there will be others. Perhaps – like young Malala Yousafzai –  they are already here …….


THAT’S RIGHT…. come closer…. closerrrr……

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Filed under: Life lessons

Tags: Allah, Buddha, I Am, Jesus, Krishna


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  • The Original Power Rangers, I love it. Wonder what Krishna could have contributed if he wasn't so busy

  • In reply to Michael Messinger:

    Krishna's chill, but can be harsh to enemies. Too bad he got a bad vindaloo and Pakistan's acting up again. He really wanted to be there.

  • Your wit, humor, and writing blows me away, Michelle. Such a powerful, insightful, and entertaining post. Love it.

  • In reply to Laura Vasilion:

    Thanks so much, Laura. This one was a fun labor of love!

  • Now there's a high-powered committee! I'm a bit shy of using the figures this way myself, but you wrote it well.

  • In reply to Margaret H. Laing:

    Thank you, Margaret. Let's put it this way; I wrote it so no one calls a Jihad on me, while trying to stay true to their characters. Satire runs the highwire between humor and insult, and I seek never to insult. (At least not intentionally!)

  • I ABSOLUTELY LOVE this! Great piece!

  • In reply to Carole Lago:

    Thanks, C. Glad you liked it! I've gotta admit, it's one of my better efforts.

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