Today after 19 years, I will go to work outside my home. After learning some devastating financial news on Valentine’s Day, I wrote a blog post to help me cope: Food Stamps, Oprah and the 2014 Listen to Your Mother Chicago Show.
I was amazed by the many people who left comments on my blog, emailed and messaged me on Facebook, too! Thank you!
I received a job offer, a real job offer – not one of those job offers which require me to remove my clothes, wear goofy costumes while getting pummelled by teenagers and/or pay money to make money. The job is even in an office, a real office – not some “office” in a van parked on the street or in a dark, unfinished basement. I said YES!
Perks to my new job:
- It’s in an office building close to my home.
- It’s 1 day a week to start, plus I’m able to pick my own hours during the school day.
- The business owners have huge hearts and really want to help me and my family.
- The office has a microwave. (Most of my pre-job questions revolved around the topic of food.)
- The office has a dress code, so I can wear a dress each time I work!
- I get to fill out forms today — on my first day!! Real work forms!! (I’m pretty sure I’m working for superheroes or special agents because I get to sign a confidentiality agreement. Notice how I’ve been so careful not to say too much about my new job. I’m already a star employee, and I haven’t even started.)
While getting ready for my big day today, I came up with some tips for surviving the first day of a new job.
How To Survive the First Day of a New Job:
- The less skills you have, the more you should reassure your employer how competent you are and how quickly you learn new things. Or you can lie about your age and hope they never verify. I’m choosing the latter today. I’ll be wearing support hose, a granny wig and an old droopy nursing bra stuffed with beans to weigh it down to my belly button.
- Show up fashionably late to work. You don’t want to be too late where you risk getting fired, but you don’t want to be exactly on time either. That’ll just set up unrealistic expectations. I mean, seriously, time is one of those relative things, right?
- If your hand hurts from filling out forms, tell your new boss you used a secret agent pen you got from a cereal box when you were 10. Distract your boss by reminiscing about the days when cereal boxes came with toys.
- No time for a shower, no problem. Spray a ton of hairspray in your hair – helmet head is much better than greasy head. Spritz yourself with so much cologne or perfume that you could go to a single’s mixer after work and then claim you are in fact going to a single’s mixer after work. When possible, treat yourself to a whore’s bath in the office bathroom to wipe away that not-so-fresh feeling.
- Pack plenty of snacks and drinks. Pack enough to share with your officemates, especially if you’ve already gone through #1 – #4. Nothing will make someone forgive you quicker than sharing a sugary snack.
Bonus tip: If your first day is awful and you need an immediate escape, RUN to the bathroom! Stay inside for approximately 5 minutes, then RUN back to your desk, grab your belongings and in a stage whisper say the phrase “itch and an odor” to your boss as you exit the building.
Okay, so I won’t actually be doing any of the items listed in 1 – 4 on my list, and I don’t really recommend you do any of those either. However, I do stand firmly behind #5. The truth is that my traditional job experience is limited, practically non-existent. I’ve been a stay-at-home mom since the age of 20. Sure, I’ve picked up some babysitting and freelance writing along the way, but this whole working-in-an-office thing is new and scary and exhilarating all at the same time.
My absolute BEST tip for surviving the first day of a new job is to have confidence in yourself! Yup, that’s all I’ve got and confidence is really all I need at this point in my life, my new beginning. Confidence is all you really need on your first day, too. I’ve got this or at least I’ll fake it until I do!
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