5 Reasons This Single Mom Won't Be Going on Match.com

Ever since the ex and I split, I’ve been dreading my post-divorce match.com profile as if it were an inevitable thing. After all, I am a 36 year old, mini-van driving, suburban-dwelling, soccer mom of three. What are my options now that bar hook-ups and morning walks-of-shame aren’t a possibility?

I have no interest in life as a cougar, so college bars are out. Plus my bedtime is 11:00, and it would be a lot of work to avoid bright lights and hide my grey roots and wrinkles.

I’m not desperate enough to hit the country line-dancing bar. Sure, it’d be nice to be one of the “young” people in the joint, but I’m not ready for dinners at 4:00, teeth in a glass on the nightstand and a refractory period that lasts a week.

Yet, I simply cannot bring myself to create a match.com profile. Internet dating scares me too much.

5 Reasons This Single Mom Won’t Be Going on match.com

1. Internet Predators scare the f— out of me. Ever since my oldest child joined ClubPenguin.com 7 years ago and the internet with its lurking predators invaded my home, I’ve warned my kids to never trust anyone online. They’re older now. Their internet habits have changed. My fear for their safety grows each year.

My warnings are more specific and scarier: “Assume everyone you chat with online is a naked, 60 year old, fat man with no hair on his head, plenty of hair bursting from his ears, and breath that smells like something is rotting deep inside him.”

That visual pops into my own head every time I interact with someone on social media. I have no desire to squander a night with a naked, fat, 60 year old man who whacks off while playing Club Penguin.

2. Serial Killers scare me even more than Internet Predators. While my imaginary internet predator gives me dry heaves, I would seriously panic if I showed up for a match.com date, and he was actually young, fit and attractive.

I’m not an idiot. We all know young, fit, attractive men on dating websites are serial killers. I wouldn’t trust him. Not ever. Not for one tiny second.

What if I turn my head to sneeze and he roofies my drink? What if he wants to “escort” me to my mini-van and no one is around to hear me scream when he grabs me and stuffs my body into his trunk? What if he learns that I love to run, suggests we go running and pushes me off a cliff?

3. I do not want any more children. As a single mother, I’m worried my only prospects on match.com will be single dads.

Single dads are awesome. Single dads are great. Single dads make great friends. I want to start a collection of single dad friends. We can go bowling and drink beer. They can teach me how to kill a spider and fish. I can teach them how to burp the alphabet. But I don’t want to date them.

I love my kids. In my eyes, they are perfection. I have zero desire to piecemeal another family with mine and create the Brady Bunch.

4. I am not the marrying type, at least I’m not the marrying type right now. I tried it once. It didn’t work.

I’ve never actually visited the match.com website; however, every time I see one of the commercials, I feel judged for being almost an entire month divorced and not already engaged. I break into hives, develop a rash and need to pour a glass of wine.

I do want a relationship, especially one which involves sex. A lot of sex. However, hook-up websites aren’t for me either. I want a relationship first and then frequent bouts of hot, sweaty monkey sex, not a series of hook-ups which lead to lifetime VD souvenirs.

5. I’m not young enough, patient enough nor computer savvy enough for dating websites. It takes me forever to publish a blog post, and I’ve been blogging for almost 3 years. Placing an order for a matching leash and collar for my whippet on amazon.com takes me an entire afternoon.

Am I destined for a life alone if I don’t create a match.com profile? Is it time for me to pack away my lingerie, switch to pastel, cotton briefs and get a dozen cats?

Nah, I may be a 36 year old, mini-van driving, suburban-dwelling, grey-root showing, laugh-line flashing, soccer mom of 3, but I’ve got decades of fun ahead of me and a heart filled with hope!

I guess, I’ll have to try dating the old-fashioned way for now. My friend’s mother’s hairdresser has a single son who, according to her, would be perfect for me. However, there is this rather nice gent I’ve taken a fancy to…

I survived Warrior Dash with a grimace and mouth full of mud. I will survive dating as a single mom.

I survived Warrior Dash with a grimace and mouth full of mud. I will survive dating as a single mom.

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