I am a 35 year old mother of 3 children, and I need a Halloween costume.
As much as I would love to wear those tiny shrink-wrapped costumes made from less fabric than my swimsuit, I won’t. The days of slutty nurse, slutty vampire whore, slutty cheerleader and, yes, even slutty pumpkin have passed me by. And I’m fine with that as those costumes have very little appeal for me. I love to drink my weight in alcohol at our neighborhood Halloween party. And I have no desire to bust through a too-tight costume.
A costume isn’t required for the party, but I never let an opportunity to dress-up pass me by. In my perfect universe, we would all dress up every day according to our mood and it would be mandatory that everyone wear tiny, little hats at all times.
Ghosts of Halloween Costumes Past:
1. A baby: I donned footed pajamas, put my hair in pig tails and sucked on a pacifier all night. Fail! No one wants to see a grown woman doing any of these things, ever.
2. A 1970s bridesmaid: I wore a 1970s Marshall Field’s dress from their Bridal Collection, which I found in a vintage re-sale shop in the city. The dress was fabulous and something my retro Barbie would’ve worn, but none of the other party-goers were as fascinated with the dress, its design and construction as I was.
3. A vampire: I wore another retro 1970s Marshall Field’s dress. This one was black, gorgeous and hugged all the right places. However, I hadn’t learned my lesson from the previous year: No one wants to talk retro fashion at a Halloween party.
4. A Halloween t-shirt and jeans: I’ll admit it. I was very discouraged after so many fails in a row. Unfortunately, I was grumpy the entire evening because I didn’t dress-up!
5. Where’s Wenda: I wore white tights, striped with red duct tape (it was a last minute desperate decision), glasses, white shirt striped with red duct tape and a tiny, tight jean miniskirt. Major Fail! I was way too self-conscious in the skirt and kept pulling and tugging at it the entire night and subsequently lost a lot of my red duct tape stripes.
And my list could continue while I re-live an additional 10 years of mommy costume fails, including a kitty cat and Woody from Toy Story. Halloween has not been kind to my motherhood-self.
But this year, I will get it right!
As I was rummaging through my closet and drawers, I found what surely must be the best foundation of any fun Halloween costume EVER – a pair of fishnets! Suddenly, the costume possibilities were endless and I was inspired!
Until I caught a glance of myself in the mirror and noticed the way the early morning sun hit my wrinkled forehead and caught the shimmery glints of gray streaked liberally through my roots. The fishnets hit the ground with a thud!
Am I too old for fishnets? Are my days of sexy legs numbered or are they over already?
I’ve been in this very bizarre mental head-space since my first born started high school this fall. I’m trying to find my place in her world. I’m questioning my fashion choices: Mom’s Guide to Junior High Fashion. I’m questioning not only my calendar age, but also what age really means at all. At 35, I feel like I am standing on the precipice where everything is where it needs to be in terms of my body and my looks, but if I take one step forward, I’ll lose my footing and plummet. And I’m not ready.
I have every intention of aging gracefully, but I’ll embrace certain procedures and treatments as a part of that process.
I also realize that I am only 35, and I have decades of fantastic fashion and living ahead of me. But as I enter my late 30s in the next couple of years, there are also some things I need to give up. However, I don’t want to give anything up, even fishnets, too soon.
One of my biggest regrets is that I didn’t fully appreciate my younger body. I thought I was too skinny, too long, too flat-chested and so I hid my body. I spent those glorious years of flat stomach, small ass, perky boobs and zero stretch marks worrying about my body! Now, I sincerely wish I would’ve strutted around in a bikini everyday of my entire teenage/collegiate years, even in the winter! My 35 year old mommy body would pay thousands to get that body back.
One of my current fears about aging is that I will look back when I’m 50 or 60 or 70 and think the same thing about my 35 year old body. This body is certainly not going to age like a fine wine and get better. Nope, I’m pretty sure that it’ll age like a cheap bottle of 2 buck Chuck.
Back to the fishnets and Halloween: Am I too old to wear fishnets? What is an appropriate Halloween costume for someone my age?
Update from my Bangs are Cheaper Than Botox blog post: I hate my bangs. I still want Botox.