It's like our new step-dad is a real motherfucker but our Mom just can't see it

It's like our new step-dad is a real motherfucker but our Mom just can't see it
Photo by JA Gledhill

“Mom, why are you marrying this dude? He’s, like, the worst guy I’ve ever met in my life.”

“That’s your opinion, honey. I think he’s unique. He’s not afraid to speak his mind, even if it’s unpopular stuff to say. He tells me what I want to hear.”

“He’s a bonafide narcissist, Mom. He says what you want to hear SO THAT you’ll like him, not because he gives a shit about you. That’s manipulation, not compassion. Ohmigod, he’s so dangerous, Mom. You’re a smart woman, why can’t you see through him?”

“No one’s perfect.”

“That’s true. No one is perfect. But I couldn’t find a bigger piece of shit if I tried. Some of his closest friends are white supremacists, Mom.”

“Just because his friends are part of Stormfront doesn’t necessarily make them white supremacists. Now who’s being judgemental, hmmm?”

“Jesus Christ, Mom. You are so beautiful and you’ve come so far in your life. I know you’ve had a rough few years, but you are still an amazing woman – the best I’ve ever know and I’m not just saying that because you’re my Mom. You can do so much better than this guy. You are way too good for him.”

“Well, it’s hard to find a good man, these days.”

“What was wrong with the last guy?”

“Who, Henry? The social worker?”

“Yes! He seemed like a nice enough guy.”

“Oh, him. He still used AOL. Can you even imagine? It just got under my skin so bad…how could I respect myself if had to put an AOL email on a business card. And he was just like all the others.”

“But we aren’t talking about prom, or a fun vacation, here – we are talking about MARRIAGE. Mom, this guy has been married three times and I’m not positive he knows the difference between “they’re” and “their.” He calls black people “the blacks.” Terrible!

“Oh, honey. Sure, if you focus on the bad stuff, that’s all you’ll see. Aren’t you forgetting he’s a very successful business man? He’ll take good care of this family, mister.”

“Why does being a successful businessman make him a good guy? And anyway, you can’t run a family like a business. Business is about profit. A family is about…family.  What the…MOM WAKE UP! He’s a sexist, entitled piece of shit who has been sued, like, hundreds of times for being a piece of shit. And he spray tans. What responsible, grown-up man has the time to spray tan?”

“Well now you’re just being childish. You’re entitled to your opinion but I’m going to marry that man and start a new life.”

“You’re gonna have to! He’s already insulted both of our next door neighbors and says he’s going to build an ugly ass privacy fence around our yard that you are going to have to pay for. He says all Mr. Martinez’ brothers in Mexico are rapists! He thinks that any crime reported in the neighborhood is part of a conspiracy theory and wants to end the Neighborhood Watch! He wants you to “dress like a woman” once you two are living together!”

Keep your voice down, Junior. He’s watching TV in the next room, and you know how he gets about his TV shows.”

“He’s an asshole to our maid. He’s an asshole to wait staff. He can’t get one full sentence out of his mouth without lying, Mom. He goes against everything you’ve ever taught me about how to be a good person in this world. And EVERYONE sees it. But you will only believe what your best girlfriends from high school are telling you. Meanwhile everyone at your job sees it, everyone in the PTA sees it, everyone in the checkout line at the grocery store sees it, everyone in your AA meeting sees it…”

“Honey, that’s enough out of you! I know he has his issues, but I’m sure he’ll act more like a husband once we are married. He was just acting macho to seduce me. But the way you are talking about him, you’d think I was marrying some abusive man who would control my every move and never let me get a word in edgewise.”

“I can’t believe you’d do this to our family. You know he hates me, right?”

“No. He just hates the things you say and do. When he locks you out of the house he’s just trying to teach you how to be less of a ‘girly-man.’ You have to admit you are a little sensitive.”

“He thinks Meryl Streep is overrated, Mom.”

“Okay THAT IS ENOUGH, YOUNG MAN. Now you are just being …what kind of person would even say such a thing? She’s a national treasure. Know what? This conversation is over. I have to cook dinner for him. Now run over and grab some more of those steaks from his walk-in freezer.”

Scene.

***

That’s my piece, and that’s my peace. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my silly words. It truly means the world to me. Carry on…

JA

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