It’s Mother’s Day 2016, and I you an apology, son.
For the past seven and a half years, I’ve been teaching you that honesty is the best policy. And while that’s a great concept for creating protagonists in Pixar Movies and leveraging Santa Claus’ influence in December, it will get you nowhere in “Trump’s America.”
Up ’til now, I’ve been encouraging you to have compassion for others – but that’s textbook Wussification, son.
I’ve been encouraging you to play fair, but you can’t dominate with that attitude.
So starting today, Mother’s Day 2016, everything changes. Today I will begin teaching you a new skill set for achieving success in “Trump’s America.” Here are the new marching orders for what’s left of second grade… and beyond:
1. Rules are for chumps: Rules are for people who are so weak-minded they don’t know a better way to do things. But for winners like you there’s only one rule: do things however you want to do them. So cut in line. Stand up when the bus is moving. Sneak into R rated movies. Skip school. The rules don’t apply to you, son.
2. Disregard the sacred: Traditions are for people who can’t think for themselves. A good way to let the world know that you are above the masses is to write your name across everything.
Pro tip: find your signature writing instrument – something that says, “I’m classy!” For Trump, it’s a golden Sharpie. For you, it could be a can of spray paint, or placing 10 foot silver letters on the side of buildings.
3. Be who people want you to be: For years I’ve been seeking my “authentic self” so that I could be “true to my heart” and show people “who I really am” so that I might have “honest” relationships in this world that are built on “trust.”
Break the cycle, kiddo.
Son, you be whoever/whatever you need to be to get where you want to go. Put your intended destination in your crosshairs, then be the person you think you need to be to get there. The Moral Compass is dead, and in its place: The Success GPS. Be a personality chameleon. Wear masks.
Good Guys don’t win – Manipulators do. Does an authority figure disagree with you? Pretend you are on their side! Did you make an inconvenient promise? Break it. So what? You’ll be ahead.
Pro-tip: Winning is more important than personal integrity.
4. Unite people via mockery: Wanna make some quick, easy friendships? Identify an unattractive girl on the playground, then point out how ugly she is to the other boys. They, too, will think that’s super funny, and the experience will create a bond between you all. That bond will make you all feel invincible. Powerful. Superior.
Pro tip: Practice the insults at school, first, then work your way into the general public. Before long, judging women by their looks will come naturally.
Pro-tip 2: If they complain or get angry, that means you’ve won.
5. Identify groups of people with one word descriptors. There is still time to stop this PC nonsense that’s turning this nation into a bunch of girls. Let’s bring back the simple life, son. Let’s call it like we see it.
Here’s how: Just pick the most obvious thing about the group of people – that first thing you might notice about them if you met them for the first time – and put the word “the” or “those” in front of it: “The Blacks.” “The Hispanics.” “Those Muslims.” That way, you don’t have to get dragged into the details.
Pro Tip: These terms should not be private words whispered whispered between those in agreement! These labels are who they are! The problem is that America has lost the freedom to apply sweeping generalizations to people who look alike. Enough is enough. Say all the stuff people are already thinking: that’s real courage.
6. Never ever ever ever ever admit you are wrong: This might be the single most powerful tool in your rise to power. Admitting fault is weakness, and weakness is un-American.
- Even if you are caught stealing something red-handed, deny that you stole it.
- If you get answers wrong on a test, accuse the teacher of being an idiot who doesn’t know what they are talking about.
- If they try to justify the right answer with facts, distract them by rolling your eyes, or repeating what they say back to them using a funny/mocking voice.
But whatever you do, never utter the words “I was wrong.”
Pro Tip: People will still respect you if they know you are lying, as long as you don’t back down. They are okay with you being a jerk. They are not okay with you admitting you’ve been a jerk.
7. Think of yourself as a brand, and sell, sell, sell: Some people call this narcissism, but you know it’ s simply an outward acknowledgement of a confident superiority. How are people going to know how great you are if you don’t tell them?
It’s basic physics: if you say something enough times, people are going to start believing you.
Pro-tip: Call your friends your “fans.”
8. If you don’t like someone, bring them down: Question: What’s the best way to treat someone you don’t like? Answer: Public ridicule.
For example, if you don’t like a kid on the playground, tell everyone you saw him eat a boogar. Even if he didn’t eat a boogar, it’s shocking enough to believe, and it’s embarrassing enough to humiliate him.
Pro tip: Nicknames that prey on people’s insecurities work well.
9. Make Stuff Up: What is more important – facts, or getting attention? Go where the people are, son. Research is for a-holes. Spread rumors about things you read on the internet. Write papers about what your smart friend thinks. Truth is boring. Be exciting!
10. Make the creation of wealth your primary goal. If you are rich, you are awesome.
Wealth IS personal integrity.
So there you have it: a recipe for success, devised by the newest leader of our time. I hope you will take my advice seriously, son, because this kindness thing you have going on will get you nowhere in Trump’s America.
That’s my piece, and that’s my peace. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my silly words. It truly means the world to me. Carry on…
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