That's what was missing last time

It’s tough to battle all the insecurities that came from relationships past when you’re trying to work through a long distance present to get to a happily ever after future. Being a plane ride away from each other is the toughest. And sometimes it’s just too tough.

Something is over that I didn’t want to end. A guy I really care about is done with me and it hurts. Big time.

This wasn’t a ‘fly by night crush.” An,”I wonder if he feels the same” lapse in judgment. This was a,”talk every day, know the things I love, make me laugh harder than anyone can, I’m falling for you more and more,”situation.

This was the first time I really thought it could be real since I broke almost two years ago.

The last time my heart broke…I broke. I broke socially. I broke emotionally. I broke physically. Everything about me said, “I can’t.” I didn’t have a lot of hope. I didn’t like myself very much. All I could see was everything that’s wrong with me. But this time, it’s a little bit different.

Right now, I’m in the exact middle of a Whole 30. 15 days down, 15 days to go. This means I’ve gone 15 days with no grains, sugar, dairy, legumes, and certainly no booze.

It hasn’t been a cakewalk. (Pun totally intended.)

But I’ve done it. I’m succeeding at it. I’m persevering over peer pressure and cravings and coping mechanisms and I’m proud. And then this happened.

Personally, I think God/the Universe/Life/Beyonce wanted it to happen now to show me how far I’ve come, when lately I haven’t thought much of myself.

See, G/U/L/B is tricky. They tend not to give you what you want, but what you need. Now, let me make it clear: I am NOT happy that G/U/L/B is showing me my strength this way. But I am proud of how I’ve handled it thus far.

Y’all already know how I like to deal with things: booze, poor nutrition, find a dude to pass the time, be a mean little bitch. But not this time.

This time I was already changing for the better. I’d already committed to good choices.

So when things ended, I had no choice but to stay the course. I was so invested in being better, that I couldn’t just derail. There wouldn’t be a night of breakup binge drinking and sobbing.

(There was crying, but sensible crying over songs we both liked and the unreturned text messages, kind of like a really good pop music video from the early 2000’s. Imagine me staring out a car window on a rainy day with slightly smeared eyeliner and a dreamy yet forlorn look on my face.)

I had to actually feel the feelings, and then cope with them. So I texted my best friends. I went and had coffee with one of them and we chatted about what happened and where I went wrong and where he went wrong and then we just didn’t talk about it anymore.

When I left her house I could feel the sadness creeping back it.

I knew it would be tougher at night to keep it together. So I went and got some new reading material. And I buried my head in a book until I fell asleep.

I fell asleep sad but grateful. And I woke up sadder, but just as grateful. I checked my phone, optimistic for a text that I knew wouldn’t be there, and grateful for all the good. And that’s when I realized…

That’s what was missing last time.

The last time I felt this way, I had nothing to look forward to. I was working a job I was miserable at, I was in a living situation that was horrible, and I didn’t have much hope.

But today I do. Today I know who I am and what I bring to the table. I love the good things about myself and I am busting my ass to change the things I don’t like. I have a plan that I’m excited about and people who genuinely care about me.

This time I have so much hope. Because unlike last time, I wasn’t looking for this person to complete me or save me and my happiness didn’t depend on him. I just wanted him to like me for who I am…good and bad.

I’m not saying I have all the answers, and I’m certainly not saying that I won’t spend time crying and writing then deleting text messages, because I totally will. I’m not even saying that I know for certain that he and I won’t ever work things out. What I am saying is that I’m not going to break this time, and I’m going to be better for it all.

Not to mention, I may just be able to become a pop star music video director because of it, too.

Kidding, obviously.

Well, maybe.

Cheers! CasC
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