I have been sad and mopey and just gross for like 9 days now. It’s so disgusting. I’ve been listening to music in the hopes that it would make me cry. I’m seriously, honestly, really trying to FORCE myself to be sad. That’s pretty dumb.
I haven’t washed my hair since Friday (what up dry shampoo!!!) and there’s a really good chance I got the blood of a dog on me yesterday. (Not like “in heat” blood you perverts, just blood from their ear. Duh.) Oh, I also watched the first 3 seasons of Scandal on Netflix. In like a week. I’ve been that pathetic lately.
(Um, and just to really prove what a hot mess I am I may or may not have just spilled red wine on myself and instead of getting up to clean it off, I just poured some water straight from a water bottle onto my shirt. If that’s not sexy, I don’t know what is.)
Also, I heard Starbucks is releasing the Pumpkin Spice Latte in August this year and that makes me SO MAD. Come on, you can’t wait until it’s appropriate scarf and Hunter boots weather?! I know it’s a big time of year but I can not stand by and watch teenage girls SnapChat selfies of Pumpkin Spice Lattes while swimming in a pool. It’s just wrong.
And then, OMG, and then to top it off, I logged onto Facebook to see TWO engagements. Now don’t get me wrong, I am SUPER happy for both these ladies, I love them tons, but right after that was an ad for the new Clearblue Easy pregnancy test that tells you how far along you are. Really? REALLY? Is that necessary to do to me?
(Cue the violins for that pity party, am I right?!)
Nice try Facebook. You can put allllll the pregnancy test ads you want on my page. Joke’s on you, cuz no one is laying a flag down on this sweet, sweet continent at the moment (yes, that was a New Girl reference). You may want to have another meeting on how you pick the ads for your members, Mr. Zuckerberg. Now start showing me ads of Barefoot Pinot Noir and Ryan Gosling holding puppies in a new romantic comedy, you assholes.
Don’t judge me readers, I like to drink on a budget and Barefoot allows that. In fact, ladies, we should start a club called Barefoot and Bare-Ab’ed. You have to drink wine that costs less that $6 and can only watch movies where Ryan Gosling takes his shirt off. (That actually sounds like a really great girls night in.)
I couldn’t be more single white girl if I tried with that last paragraph. I don’t even care. I really don’t. Y’all, I’ve been spending my time listening to sad girl country songs, and girl power country songs, and basically a lot of country songs and guess what…I’m still kind of fucked up right now.
I’ve been jobless for 3 days and it sucks. I hate not knowing exactly what’s next. I don’t do well without a plan. I can’t bring myself to run, I know I need to, but I can’t right now. My heart, it still really hurts. I’m in a weird, raw, uncomfortable place and I do not like it one bit.
Sometimes I wake up and want to take on the world, and sometimes I wake up and think there’s no way I can pretend to be “cheerleader” CasC. But I promised y’all last week that I would figure it out. So I am.
And it sucks. It hurts. I went to text the dude today, after I got some really great news. I went to text him and had to remind myself that we don’t talk anymore. That reminder hurt so much that it was hard to breathe, because it was the first time I realized I lost my friend. In all of the heartbreak, the worst part is…I lost my friend. I lost the person I tell all my news to first. I lost my pal.
But guess what? Even with all I’ve lost, or think I lost (although I’m fully aware I can’t lose something I never had), I still have a sense of humor. I’ve still laughed so hard that my stomach hurts and tears roll down my face. I still have friends who love me unconditionally…and honestly, I don’t know why they put up with me. I am lucky to have them, though.
Out of all the hurt this year, out of all the bad decisions and lessons learned, I’m really learning to give credit where credit is due. And the friends I talked to today, the ones who are so happy for my (vague for now) great news, the ones who make me laugh no matter what…they’re the people who matter.
So now, after taking a break from the sad to ramble, I’m going to fall asleep feeling lucky for what I do have, instead of hurting over what I don’t have. I can’t say that’s how I will wake up tomorrow, but I’m sure as hell gonna try. And I hope you are, too.
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