And Darlin' It Was Good

The most beautiful part of any relationship;  friendship, romantic or otherwise are the moments that make your heart swell. The moments where you stop and think, “I want to remember this always.” That’s also the worst part. When that relationship ends, which some inevitably do, you always remember those moments, those places…everything. Even though we move on, find new relationships, or keep the old ones but they change, those “remember always moments” don’t go away. So you have to choose, when you’re thrown back into one of those moments; do you let that pain engulf you?

The tightness in your chest, the wanting to cry, because it takes you back to something that was real, perfect, and important, do you let that take you down, back to a place of tears and confusion? Or do you choose to smile, remembering that it WAS good, and that it WAS special, at least to you, even if it didn’t work out? You make a choice: either it keeps hurting, or you look back, smile, and think to yourself, “darlin’ it was good.”

Today I went downtown. It was a cluster fuck of a day, and it didn’t work out at all the way it should. A dear, wonderful, hilarious friend of mine and his boyfriend decided to go out to watch the World Cup game today and I decided to meet them. They told me where they were going and I automatically googled the address to see where I was going.

My heart sank. I had been there before. With a guy. A guy I liked. On a date. I sat at that bar with him, learning how he hated mustard as much as I did, laughing and joking with the people sitting around us. I sat there thinking how I wanted to learn more about him while he was thinking that he wanted to end things with me. That place wasn’t a place I wanted to go.

Then I took a step back and thought about things. This place holds a really great memory for me. I was happy. I was with an amazing dude who made me laugh; the dude I’ve had the most fun with ever in my 30 years. This person has become one of my favorite people, not in the way I thought he would, but one of my favorite people nonetheless. So yes, while it hurt to think back about what didn’t work, the memory was still a great one. So why not go make more great memories with more great people?

I think back to my first roommate often. There are things that happen in my life that no one would understand the hilarity of but her. She and I will never be friends. Not like we were. Our differing beliefs are just too much for her to overcome. I know that she’s never laughed as hard as she did with me, and vice versa. I miss her all the time.

I can’t let the fact that we will never be friends again overrule the hilarious and fun memories we made. From our crazy neighbors, to our chalkboard wall, to the song we made up in the car, to the sign she made for my birthday, to her prank calling my ex’s new girlfriend to make me laugh, to when the cops showed up while we had fairy wings on to the day we stood in a courthouse for laughing too loud…no one will be a part of those moments but her and I. So why would I let our fallout/moving into different lives overshadow moments of pure insanity and fun? I can’t. I won’t.

There will always be things that hurt at first. Anytime I hear the first line of George Strait’s “Check Yes Or No”, my heart physically aches. Any song on Keith Urban’s “Defying Gravity” will always remind me of the first guy I ever really fell for. The first guy to truly break my heart. These songs that I LOVE, he’s attached to them. For always. I can’t change that. It can’t ever go away.

There are Facebook posts attached to those songs (Lame but important when you are in your early 20’s and in love). There are deep conversations attached to those songs. There are moments of me laughing while being serenaded attached to those songs. There are memories of ANOTHER GIRL quoting those lyrics to the guy I loved attached to those songs.

I still listen. I avoided it for awhile, but I still listen. Not because I miss him, although every once in awhile I do, but because I love those songs…and in those “years ago” moments I was so blissfully, ridiculously, over the moon happy. So I choose to be thankful for what was, instead of breaking down over what could have been.

I could go on and on. We all have these moments, we all have these memories. A beautiful, sweet, wonderful girlfriend of mine is going through a very icky breakup. It’s new and it’s raw and his things are still at the apartment and everything reminds her of him. I talked with her a lot today and she doesn’t know what to do. She doesn’t know how to deal with the fact that everything reminds her of him.

She doesn’t have to know. You don’t have to know. I don’t have to know. None of us may ever know. We just have to choose how we want to look back at it. It doesn’t mean I never cry. I do. Even five years later, sometimes, every once in awhile, I hear one of those songs and I get teary eyed over what may have been. I wonder what went wrong. I mourn for that young girl who was open to love and oblivious to reality and heartbreak. She didn’t know what was coming, but five years later I can see all the things she was blind to.

You can’t change what happened. Neither can I. We can’t go back. We can choose the way we look back, though. We can look back with hurt, anger, and resentment. Or we can look back with joy, thankfulness, and fondness. We can rarely, if ever, change the way things play out, but we can choose to smile, be grateful for beautiful memories made, and say, “darlin’, it was good.”

I hope you choose to find the good. Even when it isn’t easy, find the good. xo!

“Darlin’ it was good, never lookin’ down, and right there where we stood, was holy ground.” T. Swift

Cheers! CasC
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