In last week’s post I briefly told you about how a lot of what goes into The $20 Challenge just doesn’t feel like “me.” It’s an issue rife with contradictions, actually, because inside there is, indeed, a part of me who identifies with being “bad” with money and having to be in a position where I need to stretch a dollar and I just can’t manage.
It’s clear to me now that those are labels I’ve given myself. They’re tied to old stories of Not Good Enough and unworthiness, stories that — whether you want to admit it or not — are at the root of most people’s insecurities, period, end of story.
So the part of me that does NOT identify with any of that, I figured out, is the part that believes “I deserve better — I’m good; I’m worthy; abundance is mine” — it’s just that…that’s a belief system I’m still practicing. Part of my puny mind still doesn’t believe that story. Or, more accurately, it forgets. Because as much as we all have stories of pain and unworthiness, I do believe (and sincerely hope, for the rest of the planet besides me!) that underneath it all we actually DO believe the truths about our own worthiness; we understand that we are good and worthy just because we’re here and we’re alive; we get it on an intellectual level.
This morning in the shower, where lots of my a-ha moments happen, I realized:
This part may not feel like “me.” But maybe this is the “me” I have to be — just for now — until the next season in my life.
It may sound obvious now. I don’t care. It felt REALLY good to remember that in the moment, and it’s making the challenge easier to accept in the time being — before it becomes a reality. It feels like I’ve given myself another personal pep-talk: I can do this. I have what it takes, and I can do what it takes. Which directly reinforces the WORTHINESS story — not the other “I suck and I’m a failure” bullshit.
It’s light and it’s heavy; it’s a big deal and it’s not. This challenge is full of contradictions, or at least that’s the way I see it. I don’t mind — clearly that aspect of it is giving me a lot of wiggle room to figure out just what I need to ride the wave.
I’m thankful for my Shower Moments of Clarity. That little voice, the one that’s telling you everything’s going to be okay? Listen to it. It’s right.
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