A descendant of American Revolution Heroes tweeted this to me today. I got itchy because FUCK LICE! It’s so awful in every fucking way that just thinking about when my family had to deal with the blood sucking bastards makes my sympathetic nervous system go ape shit.
APE SHIT I SAY!
Here is the tweet.
— JMcDonough (@JodySMcDonough) October 15, 2014
Everyone hates this fucking letter.
This is in the top ten worst letters you can get from school, right? The other nine would be specific about your kid being a chump or sad letters about someone dying, yes? Ok. So we agree that lice is a panic attack inducing topic that is something that we can make a big deal about because it is a big fucking deal.
On September 30th, 2012, I was itchy and grouchy. I was dealing with a time crunch – my manuscript was due – and I wasn’t feeling well. I had been away from my family working for the previous three weekends and it’s not hyperbole when I describe my house as a few shit piles and a dozen cockroaches away from being deemed health department inspection worthy.
Ok, it’s hyperbole. Whatever.
I clicked the “send” button and my manuscript went off to my editor. I headed home. My kids looked like hot garbage. I sent them upstairs to shower, cleaned up a bit and went to sleep. The next morning, on the way to school, I noticed that my daughter was itching her melon like a fiend.
We turned around and went home. I checked my son’s head. He was still sleeping because he was sick and we were going to head to the doctor that afternoon.
Oh shit. I tried to check my head and it was impossible, but I knew.
Fuck you, LICE!
I called a professional lice comber and she came over and combed us all out. I boiled everything. I vacuumed and bagged everything and called my psychiatrist.
Dr. Feelgood called in a nice little something-something to help me relax. I chased it down with a cheap white on ice.
It took about 3 weeks of me being a complete psycho, checking all the things and all the nooks and crannies of all the spaces of everywhere in the house and cars before I relaxed even a little bit.
So when I hear that someone has received that letter or that someone’s kid has the critters, I feel such a kinship with that person. Been there. Done that. It sucks. It makes you feel dirty and scratchy and anxious and angry. Those little fuckers are tenacious bastards and it’s very hard to get rid of them. It’s a lot of hard work and even if you do everything right, your kid still might manage to keep getting re-infested.
It happens because OMG LICE!
I saw this video of Jennifer Garner talking about when her family had lice and she was just so relaxed about it. Stars – they are just like us! Anyway…maybe she has a psychiatrist that calls her in a nice little something before she has to go on television and talk about lice because – say it with me…
Fuck lice! Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it, fuck it times infinity plus six hundred seventy five point fuck you.
Fuck it by truly fucking it, and by that I mean doing the best you fucking can to fucking suffocate it and clear it out of your life. It’s hard. Don’t give up. Try not to feel bad or guilty or dirty, because lice is like addiction in that it doesn’t discriminate.
Tis the fucking season, you know?
And if you are in the mood, you can click HERE to see my old blog post called The letter I wold WANT to send home about lice if I were the school principal. Also, if you are in the mood, and you know someone dealing with lice right now, BE NICE TO SOMEONE DEALING WITH LICE! Doowit. Because even if you don’t know the hell of lice, there are good odds that if you have school age kids, you will eventually find out what it’s like because…
Buy my fucking book, Moms Who Drink And Swear: True Tales of Loving My Kids While Losing My Mind by clicking right HERE or going to the bookstore and…
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