Not too long ago, I was walking around Target and came across the Nate Berkus Collection. Mmmm…Nate Berkus. Mmm…bath towels. Oh, and shut up already about telling me how he is gay, and married, and has a baby on the way, and that there is not a chance in hell for me to be Nate’s babe, because I know that. None of this precludes me from admiring his glorious beauty while perusing Target in my jammies instead of working.
I wasn’t in Target because I needed anything other than needing to get the hell out of my house. Working at home is so isolating and sometimes I just need to mix among other humans so that I don’t get lost in my own head. Target has Starbucks and so much cool shit, so it’s one of my go-to places when my mind starts to go dark and twisty.
While I was stroking Nate’s soft towels, I overheard an angry, obviously exhausted pre-school age boy telling his sister that he was “tired of” her “pug face.” I looked at the sister. Wow! Total pug face. I was impressed that such a young kid made that spot on comparison. I wanted to ask the kid what kind of dog he thought my face looked like. I think I have a bunny face, but whatever.
Nate doesn’t have a pug face. Nate has chiseled features and a thick head of hair that if hair could talk, would say, “Look at how whimsical and swoopy I am!” I could look at Nate forevahhhh….
I got to thinking that I were as beautiful as Nate Berkus and had my own collection of things I would definitely have my face on all of the things. And then I wondered I whether ridiculously attractive people think they are ridiculously attractive?
Most of my towels are beach towels. At the end of summer, beach towels go on sale, so I stock up! I prefer them to “regular” towels, because they have decorations on them. My towels interest me and do a nice job drying stuff. When I use my Justin Bieber towel, I make sure to dry my butthole on his face, because I have not forgiven him for his horrible behavior. Once he shapes the fuck up, I will go back to using Bob the Builder’s face, but not a second before.
Anyway, I think Nate Berkus should have his face on his collection. Not just the big towels either. I’m talking hand towels, washcloths, bathmats, shower curtains, etc. I mean why the fuck not? If Nate’s collection were covered in Nate, I would have a Nate Berkus themed bathroom. He could put his handsome husband on the washcloths, you know, because oh my GOD that guy’s glowing non-pug mug is something to behold.
I would shower every single day if I had a Nate Berkus themed bathroom with Nate’s face all over the place. And I guess the point of this blog post is that I really need to get a job that gets me out of the house, because these are the things I think about for long periods of time and although I think Nate is certainly worthy of being admired and considered, I’m pretty sure I’m spending far too much time thinking these sort of thoughts about things.
And watching YouTube videos of the Backstreet Boys getting wet and singing about love.