It’s been well documented that I consider cooking to be my nemesis. And cooking dinner? Well, fuck cooking dinner. There’s an entire chapter in my book dedicated to my hatred for dinner and another one that rages about cooking in general. I hate dinner the most of all, because when evening comes, I’m just done. And I’m hungry. And so is everyfuckingone else. I am also frugal, so sometimes it’s hard to make good stuff and keep on budget. And, don’t tell anyone, but I do give half a shit about what I put into the bodies of my wicked little crotchfruit.
The other night, my girlfriends and I were having one of our regular private group messaging dates on Facebook when the subject of dinner came up. If I traveled back to 1984 and told our goofy group that 20 years in the future, we would be discussing fucking dinner recipes and trying to stay within our grocery budgets, I know that the whole lot of us would have thrown full cans of beer at my head and maybe I’d be too brain damaged to be writing this right now, so maybe one of the other girls in our group would be blogging profanity laced rants about random shit.
But that didn’t happen. I’m blogging. I am also cooking and although I hate it, I do it. I’ve decided to add some recipe sharing to my stupid blog. Ladies and Gentlemen…may I present to you, my recipe for “Quit your goddamn bitching and eat your chicken!” Everybody likes it. Nobody bitches. It’s tasty as fuck and not too unhealthy. I make it gluten free because I have stupid celiac disease, and low sodium, so that I don’t look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, but you certainly don’t have to. Modify my recipe…whatever, salt and wheat flour the bitch all up if that’s how you like it. This is a picture of le-fucking-chicken! I took a bite before deciding to photograph it, but who the shit cares, because this isn’t a cookbook or Pinterest or The Food Network.
Quit your goddamn bitching and eat your chicken!
An original recipe by Nikki
Chicken. Breasts or tenders. NO matter, but if you get you some chicken boobies, you should cut them into strips because they stay moister that way. I know that moister isn’t a word and I hate even using the word moist, so just shut up and understand.
Egg or Egg beaters for chicken dipping
1/2 C. Flour
1/2 C. Fresh grated parmesan cheese
1 C. Garlic parmesan cheese – (this is why it takes so fucking good)
2 T. Mrs. Dash Table Blend Seasoning
2 T. Crazy Mixed-up Salt
1 T. Dry mustard
1 T. Lemon pepper
1 T. Garlic Powder
Oil mix for cooking –
Olive or coconut
1-2 T. Minced garlic
Squeeze of lemon
Splash of white whine – if you are drinking red, just fuck the wine, you don’t really need it.
Sprinkle of Mrs. Dash Table Blend Seasoning
Heat up the oil mixture in your frying pan or skillet. Low and slow, motherfucker! Low and slow.
Mix up your breading ingredients. I use a mega-shit-ton of parmesan. More than the flour sometimes. You decide the ratio for yourself. Just mix is up good. No clumps of stuff. Even that shit out.
Coat chicken in egg, dip it in the breading mixture and gently place in the hot oil mix. Cook those mother fuckers up good.
Here’s the key to making it epic though, you have to keep the heat even, not scalding and popping and splatting all over the place. Even heat, yo, and flip the tenders after about three minutes. Do this a couple of times. That way, the cheese doesn’t burn, it just turns into a bitchen, cripsy crust.
I know. I can’t believe it either. I’m encouraging domestic-ness. It’s horrible and wonderful. Nikki is a big girl now. I am excited to start sharing Fuck You Dinner recipes on the regular. I should have though of it earlier, but I was busy complaining about that asshole dinner.