Manifesto of a boring gay man

I have angergasms when straight women treat gay men like pets or faux-girlfriends. It’s shitty and ignorant and disrespectful. In general, I have angergasms when anyone treats anyone else in a less-than way based on their sexual preferences. It is just the most ignorant sort of thinking, you know? Sexual preference is like eye color, people, it just is! It’s not something people decide, although we all have preferences within our preferences if you know what I’m talking abooooooout. For example, I’m extremely attracted to men who have dimples on their cheeks, but no so much the ones with the chin dimple. Why? Who the shit knows? My dimple thing just is.

Anyhoo, I asked my colleague here at ChicagoNow, David Quinn, to write a guest post about his own experience as a homosexual man. He agreed. I am so grateful. And impressed. And entertained. His writing is fearless and funny, the perfect combination! You can read more of David’s writing here on ChicagoNow, The Quin-tes-sen-tial! Find and like him on Facebook too, ArkieLad’s The Quinntessential.

Hello Dear Reader,

I’m David, and I am a homosexual. More importantly, know that I am not just a homosexual. I am also a writer, photographer, pet owner, technology guru, and so much more. Are you surprised that a homosexual exists that does not define himself by his sex life?

Well, I fucking do.

Let me tell you things I am not:

• I am not a drag queen;
• I do not need a pretend wife;
• I do not want to help you try on bras;
• I do not want to talk about your sex life with your husband (I will take pictures of him though); and
• I do not want to talk about your girly issues.

You see, homosexuals that truly like those things exist, but not all of us are that way. No offense to the fringe community of the gay world, they are fun, exciting, and I count some of them as my friends, but please do not assume I want to be your fucking girlfriend.

I am man, hear me roar.

Do not call me gurl, do not ask if I am on my period, do not talk makeup tips with me, etc. I am a man, and you will treat me like a man dammit. (If I was giving this as a speech, I would have stomped by foot right then like a child throwing a tantrum.)

Now, I am not saying you cannot enjoy the more colorful, visible gays. The fringe community is fun, hilarious, and carefree. I love watching them wear their make-up, put on pretty clothes, wear boas, and more. However, I think they have left many thinking that every gay dude in the world wants to be a girl. Let me assure, we do not.

I like wearing my normal plain clothes. Believe it or not, I do not even go to Pride dressed in only a thong. Yep, I may be fabulous as hell, but I am a boring fucking homosexual. Please do not assume otherwise.

So, when you meet a gay, and you will, do not assume he is more like Jack than Will. More often than not, he will be a Will, and you’ll be left feeling jilted that you got a regular homosexual instead of a super sexy, cool, outgoing deluxe model like RuPaul. Do you know who is to blame for that disappointment? Yourself! Don’t be a judgmental ass. Don’t inflict your stereotypes on me!

Thanks for reading. I now have to go find a pair of chaps to wear to the bar tonight.

This guy. This guy. This guy!

This guy. This guy. This guy!

The Quin-tes-sen-tial on ChicagoNow!
Find and like him on Facebook too, ArkieLad’s The Quinntessential.

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