Kyrie Eleison, Motherf*ckers!

Kyrie Eleison and beep beep, Motherfuckers!

I hate driving, but right now, in my life, it’s a necessary evil. Sometimes when I’m driving, I call on Jesus.


I love Jesus.

I’m an agnostic, but the words and actions of Jesus were so powerful and authentic, I can’t help but love him. According to The Holy Bible, Jesus taught and loved others in a way they hadn’t been taught and loved before. The Holy Bible also says that Jesus was, on occasion, frustrated enough to toss shit around and had some harsh words for the nitwits he was trying to teach and love.

I can relate. It’s hard to love others and be patient amidst nit-wittery!

Anyhoo… based on what I’ve read about Jesus and the time in which he lived, I can state with a high level of confidence that if he was alive today, he would not tailgate or engage in any other rude road rage behavior. I was thinking about this the other day when I was driving to Rockford, because the person driving in front of me had an Ichthys, otherwise known as a Jesus fish, on the back of their car. Also, I just find it fun to think about Jesus. I especially like to imagine him as a mischievous badger. But I digress…


Image found on Bumper Wars

I was dreading the hour and a half drive, so the positive image was just what I needed to turn my frown upside down! I was going to drive like Jesus, even if I was riding in the closet thing on earth to evidence of the existence of the Devil – an automobile. Driving brings out the devil in all of us. Good people do bad things when they are running late, about to shit their pants, cut off in traffic or robbed of a good parking spot by a sneaky motherfucker lying in wait.

Drive like Jesus. 

Would Jesus tailgate people, give them the finger, honk at them when they took a full (gasp) five seconds to step on the gas and get a move on when the red light turned green?


I think that even at his most mischievous badgerish, Jesus would totes behave behind the wheel. Even when I don’t see Jesus fish on a car, I try to keep this in mind.

Drive like Jesus.

I found myself behind a family of zombies. I know this because of the zombie warning stickers, and let me tell you, zombies drive as terribly as you might imagine. It’s terrifying! I mean, if I didn’t know the driver was a walker, I’d think he was drunk. I know that Jesus would have been patient with this dead driver and refrained from any honking and gesturing in response to the dangerousness, so I just kept my distance.

Drive like Jesus.

I spent some time driving in front of an SUV that was weaving in and out of the lanes and honking the horn. The driver was on her cell phone and shoving food in her face. Once she could pass me, she did, and that’s when I noticed multiple sports team/organizations stickers. Busy moms get tired from all the carpooling, this I know. She was probably just suffering from HALT syndrome (Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired), so I kept my distance. I think that’s what Jesus would do.

Drive like Jesus.

I drove behind a woman who had a college sticker on her back window. Oy!  I wondered if she was working and going to school. I saw a baby in the back of the car. Working, going to school and raising a baby? Exhausting. She lingered at stoplights. I didn’t honk. Jesus wouldn’t. It’s not like I was in a hurry. I hate driving and my irritability wasn’t her problem.

As soon as I could safely change lanes, I did. When I pulled up next to her at the next stoplight and saw that she was smoking a cigarette and texting, DESPITE THE FACT THAT SHE HAD A SLEEPING INFANT IN THE BACKSEAT, and it’s illegal, not to mention UNSAFE as fuck to text and drive. OY! I guess they don’t teach kids about smoking around babies in college. I asked myself if Jesus would give her a dirty, disapproving side eye. I can’t be sure, but I doubt he would, so I didn’t.

Drive like Jesus.

Once I got onto I88 going west, I stayed in the far right lane, going my usual five to ten miles over the speed limit. I consider the far right lane to be the church of the highway, where people are on their best behavior, even if they have impure thoughts. Almost immediately, some dude started creeping up on me. JUST MY LUCK! A fucking tailgater! I wanted to hit the breaks, but I didn’t. I waited patiently for him to change lanes, because I think that’s what Jesus would do.


Image via LOLshelf

Drive like Jesus.

The tailgater did NOT change lanes.


The traffic was light and there were two wide open lanes to the left.

Mofo didn’t move.

The verse in the Bible when Jesus says to Peter, “GET BEHIND ME, SATAN!” popped into my head because, like I said, I was thinking about Jesus while driving in the church lane. I think if Jesus was in the passenger seat of my minivan, he would have said something like, “You need to get yourself behind THIS guy,” and I’d be like, “OMG Jesus, that’s just what I was thinking!” And we would have laughed our asses off, me and my buddy J.C.!

So I turned on my signal and switched lanes. Much to my surprise, the tailgating mofo didn’t take the opportunity to zip on by. In fact, he did just the opposite. He slowed down and drove in my blind spot. I was struggling. What should I do?

What would Jesus do?

Before I could decide, the mofo got behind me.


Stop it, you tailgating Satan! I want to be behind YOU!

I gave it a minute or two before I put on my turn (the other cheek) signal and switched back to the right lane. As I did this, one of my Jesus songs came on my iPod. Yep, I like Jesus music. Ironically, it’s Mark Schultz belting out his version of Kyrie Eleison, which happens to be one of my favorite songs of all time, started playing.


Kyrie Eleison is Greek. It means “Lord have MERCY.” I may not be religious, but I believe in something, and I pray to that something a lot. I ask for help. A LOT. I ask the undefined god of my understanding for peace, mercy, strength, hope, love, forgiveness and the self-control I need to keep myself from losing my ever-loving shit on the literal and metaphorical road that I must travel.

What would Jesus do?

My god told me stop and think, so I pulled over to the side of the highway. I was about to flip on my hazard lights so that I could sit and chill instead of FLIP OUT on the dude, because I think that’s what Jesus would do. I looked up just in time to see the tailgater road rage guy FLIP ME OFF!

I felt flippy for a second but then I noticed that Mr. Road-rage tailgater had a JESUS FISH on his car.


I could not stop laughing.

I couldn’t help it. It was too absurd. However, just because I laughed, I still felt and still feel bummed out that people road rage in the name of Jesus. I wonder what he’d do if he saw it? Dude was known to get loud about something that got him riled up, but he wouldn’t hurt anyone. What would Jesus do? Probably the same thing I did – chill, chuckle and then get back to business. I do think that if he was alive today, he’d have a wicked cool blog, because you know, he’s Jesus, and people would be reading the crap out of it. I know I would! Anyway, what I decided to do next was to blog out the story.

I think that’s what Jesus would want me to do.



Photo found on the blog Dysfunctional Parrot
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