Sometimes I feel like I’m too weird and twisted, but then I quickly remind myself that I’m actually quite averagely weird and twisted in the overall weird and twistedness in the world. I mean, sheesh, I have no fetishes, dangerous compulsions, obsessions or unreasonable phobias, aside from my fear of feet, which is not so much a fear as it is a feeling of skeevedoutness. I don’t understand foot fetishes. I gag when delusional people post pictures of their pedicures on Facebook thinking that somehow slapping some color on the dead shells that cover their gnarly toes makes them any less disgusting.
Anyway, I was talking about how I’m not as weird and twisted as I feel, and I know this because I’ve experienced weird and twisted shit. Pun intended. And I’m sharing it with your in case you are feeling weird and twisted and need some fucking perspective. Maybe you think you are weird and twisted, or maybe you have a fetish that is even more confusing than the millions of people who confuse social media for foot fetish websites.
When my blog and Facebook page first took off, I started receiving emails, private messages and friend requests from long lost friends, classmates and even a few strangers. The years at home in virtual isolation with the kiddos, not using my education or contributing to the financial security of my family were taking a toll on me. I was lonely. I wished to be connected and my blog made that wish come true.
So, when this guy sent me a friend request, I accepted it. After all, a few of my other “friends” were “friends” with him, and I’ll be honest, he was easy on the eyes, so even though it seemed weird and twisted to accept a friend request from a stranger, I did it anyway.
It took no time at all before he sent me a private message telling me how much he loved my blog.
Another message – he thinks I’m pretty!
Another message – he thinks I’m clever and funny.
Tell me something I don’t know!
Another message – Have I had a bowel movement yet that day?
What. The. Fuck?
I figure the guy is being a smart ass, trying to throw me off. I mean, after all, I’ve been known to toss out a weird and twisted comment, only to realize after the words have escaped that they might have been just a tad too weird and twisted. It happens.
So I reply –
“Thanks. Yeah, I’m hilarious and gorgeous. And yeah, I pooped. That’s why I’m not yelling at your for asking such a weird question. If I was constipated, I’d be cranky and more apt to take your totally inappropriate question and shove it up your ass, you know, because that’s not a question one normally asks a complete stranger, even if they are being funny.”
And he replies –
“I wasn’t trying to be funny.”
So I reply –
“Good, because if you were, you failed MISERABLY.”
And he replies –
“I’m genuinely interested in your feces. Can you take a picture of your bowel movement and send it to me?”
And I reply with –
“Ok. I’m going to assume you are kidding and let you know that if you aren’t, you should know that although my sense of humor may be weird and twisted, it’s not this weird and twisted.”
And that’s when he sent me this –
Yeah, it’s the Bristol Poop Scale. I know. I didn’t know there was a poop scale either.
He wrote –
“Just tell me what this morning’s stool looked like and I will leave you alone.”
So I guess what I’m trying to say is this, YOU probably are a little weird and twisted. I’m a little weird and twisted. We’ve all got our quirks and whatnot and sometimes we feel as if others might not understand, like we can’t reveal our true selves without being judged or misunderstood. Being lonely sucks, so we reach out in order to find people who make us feel less sucky, and usually the people who help us feel better are the people who share our weird and twistedness.
This is a good thing!
I don’t think anyone should be afraid of who they are or let others tell them what to like or not like. Whatever your weird and twisty is, simply IS. It’s yours and I respect that. I won’t ever judge you, even if I don’t agree with you! I mean, even if you post pictures of your ugly feet with pretty pink paint and glitter on the dead hunks of nasty at the tips of your toes, I get you! Go on with your weird and twisty feet loving self! You like what you like and all I ask in return is that you understand how much I love Nickelback and shut the fuck up about it.
Actually, that’s not true. I’m also asking that IF your weird and twisty has anything to do with being interested in what other people’s poop looks like and sending them a poop chart, you need to leave me the alone, you weird and twisted fuck!
Buy my offensive, fetish-free, hilarious book HERE. It’s so fucking good your head will explode.
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