A conversation with Baby Sideburns and Moms Who Drink And Swear

Here on ChicagoNow, we have some talented motherfuckers, like me. Smug much? Hells yes. Blogging is the one thing I do well. But I digress. I try to read as many ChicagoNow blogs as I can. I want to support my community, sure, but really my reason for reading so many blogs is selfish. The talent makes me tingly in my loins. Last year, I read a post by Karen Alpert, who writes the blog Baby Sideburns, and it gave me PTSD. It was a mild case, for sure, but still, it stressed me the fuck out and I started sweating like Ted Striker.


The post was funny. She wrote about her daughter wearing the same fugly purple dress every freaking day and it reminded me of the phase my daughter went through with Dora the Explorer t-shirts and how stressful it was to keep one of the two shirts she was actually willing to wear clean.

Actually, a lot of Karen’s blog posts stress me the fuck out. You want to know why? BECAUSE I’M PAST THE BABY AND TODDLER AND PRESCHOOLER CRAP AND GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE! I’m not saying that having a teenager and a nine year old is a goddamn walk in the park, but there is less poo to deal with and older kids tend to be a bit more reasonable.


Photo courtesy of Nickmom.com

Anyhooo…we might be in different stages of our parenting life and blogging “careers,” if you can call blogging a career, but Baby Sideburns and I have a lot in common. I’ve been where she is now. After all, much like me, she’s just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her. Wait, that’s not right. Okay, after all, much like Moms Who Drink And Swear, Baby Sideburns is just a blogger, with a new book out, standing in front of her readers, asking them to love her.


She also wants you to buy her book. I know how she feels. And I know that self-promotion sucks bung-holes, so I wanted to help a little, because that’s what homies do, they help each other whenever possible and use the opportunity to promote their own shit as well.


BTW, I am wicked jealous that she used the word A-holes in her title. My publisher didn’t approve of my idea for the title of my book, “Fuck you, Dinner! Make yourself.” Pussies.

You can buy Karen’s book, I Heart My Little Assholes, by clicking HERE. I don’t want to brag, but I have a signed copy and she called me her “hairless mentor.” Well, it’s my pleasure to share the sandbox with another blogger/author mom, even if I do choke on hairballs every goddamn time I hug her.

For your reading pleasure – an interview with Baby Sideburns, Karen Alpert.

MWDAS – I loved your book. My favorite was the story about how you would gladly go to jail for killing Calliou. I hate that whiny bald fuck. I’m assuming that you have a favorite section of MY book. Yes?

BS – I liked the martini glass on the cover. But after that I’m gonna say all the conversations with your kiddos inside. There’s one where you explain to Cate that her toys would be divided if you ever got divorced and she was very concerned. About her toys. I feel like your conversations are a glimpse into my future and it scares me shitless.

MWDAS – You should be scared. You should be fucking terrified. So if Zoey ends up being a hairball like you, at what age will you wax her unibrow?

BS – She won’t. I had her genetically engineered to be as bald as a hairless cat. I’m also having myself cloned because there isn’t enough of me in the world. But I digress.

MWDAS – If you had to choose a team of assistants, would you choose minions or stormtroopers?

BS – Stormtroopers, and why the F doesn’t spell check recognize that word? That little red squiggly line under it is really pissing me off. Helllllo, Star Wars came out like 9,000 years before spell check. Total bullshit.

MWDAS – Salt or sweet? Pick just one.

BS – Both. I know you said pick one so I’m just saying both to bother you. Really I like one of them better.

MWDAS – If I was dying and had a month to live and asked you to take me out for a fun day, what would we do, and what kind of drugs would you get for me, because you know I love the drugs?

BS – We would go to my house and we would have lots of fun while I went to a nail salon and you watched my kids. And I would give you lots of crack because you would probably need it.

MWDAS – If you could have a penis for a week, what would you do with your penis? Be honest! I would stick mine in everyfucking thing, everyfuckingwhere, you know?

BS – Okay, this is truly sad. I didn’t think about having sex to see what it feels like. With myself or anyone else. Sadly, the first thing I thought about doing was peeing standing up. And the second thing I thought of was shadow-puppets. And why are you asking this? Are they finally renting out penises at the local library because I requested this a lonnng time ago? It’s about F’ing time.

MWDAS – If someone was holding a gun to your head and said they would shoot you unless you ate a bowl of cockroaches or a headcheese sandwich served on dirty diaper bread, would you choose one of those things to eat, or would you just tell the dude to blow your head off?

BS – I would pick the bowl of cockroaches. And I would put them in a blender with bananas. Bananas hide the taste of everything. Muhahahahahha, my kids have no F’ing idea they just ate spinach. Score!

MWDAS – Chick flicks? Yes or no.

BS – Yes.

MWDAS – Are you good at charades?

BS – No.

MWDAS – Are you a sore loser?

BS – I couldn’t care less.

MWDAS – Good, so if I kick your ass at charades after we watch “Steel Magnolias,” you will be okay with it and we can still hold hands and skip everywhere together. Do these pants make me look stupid or fat?

BS – Oh Nikki, you could never look stupid.

MWDAS – If you could change your name, would you? I would change mine. I would be called Dragon. So, would you change yours? If you would, what would your new name be?

BS – Nicole Knepper. Or Sexy Mutha F’er. I’d flip a coin to decide which.

MWDAS – If I had powers, I would struggle to resist evil. Would you?

BS – I struggle to resist evil every F’ing day. If I had powers I’d move to a Caribbean island and leave Evil 1 and Evil 2 farrrr behind.

MWDAS – If we both had superpowers, would you share an evil lair with me? It would be like sharing office space. We could still blog, but only after doing evil shit. You in?

BS – YES! Can we stock it with lots of Oreos and a dart board with Caillou’s face on it?

MWDAS – What does the fox say?

BS – Nothing. Foxes don’t speak. DID YOU HEAR THAT YLVIS??!!! SILENT!!! Shut up your damn fox already.


This is the truth, people. TRUTH.

P.S. Read my rant about the squirrel-ass bitch from North Dakota who wants to hand out a shitty note to kids on Halloween. Asshole. You can find it by clicking right HERE and you’ll be magically transported to my other Moms Who Drink And Swear™ blog.

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