Archive for September 2013

Raising a stink - Farting is family

I have the maturity of a 12 year old boy. I love farts. I think poop is funny. I think that when monkeys throw poop at each other, it’s hilarious. I could sit at the zoo watching them eat each other’s nits and fling poop for hours. Judge me. I don’t have time to reply,... Read more »

10 Ways to NOT suck as a mother in law

I have asked people in my blogging community to help me keep Moms Who Drink And Swear kicking like Kung-FUCKING-Fu during the month of October while I take some time to attend to some personal issues. I will be blogging sporadically, but only as time permits. A girl gots to have her priorities straight don’t... Read more »

Using porn to teach your children about healthy sex and sexuality, but not the way you think

Nothing confounds me like a good discussion about porn. Well, that’s a lie. Math scrambles my synapses. Political discussions make me lightheaded. Religion? Oh my ovaries! And tailgaters are enigmas, too. Very confusing. Because why the FUCK does driving bring out the worst in people, turning them aggressive assholes? It boggles the mind. Hmmm…but I... Read more »

Being the mom doesn't mean I am the f*&king maid

For the third day in a row, this shit has been on the floor of my family room. I noticed it early Sunday, when we were all hanging doing a lot of nothing. I considered picking it up, but I didn’t. I just walked on by, all day long, like I would do on some... Read more »

Moms Who Drink And Swear: A Video Blog

The lovely and talented people at the Tribune Media Group suggested that it would be swell if I did a series of videos. Awkward pause….. I agreed for the following reasons: 1) Knowing I will be on camera regularly will motivate me to get my eyebrows waxed more than once a year, and this is... Read more »

Dance like no-one is watching, even if you feel like horse-sh*t

My body was rebelling against today. I don’t know what it hads against this particular day, but when I woke up this morning, my body and today, Thursday, immediately engaged in a battle of wills against what is usually not so Monday-like. I couldn’t let that kind of horse-shit continue. What kind of horse-shit you... Read more »

I love everyone, except when I don't.

I considered doing self-actualizing stuff, so I googled some Maslow, and after re-freshing my memory on the hierarchy, I decided that I didn't fucking feel like it. Also because as you can see, the top line of the top triangle says, "moronoty," and the bottom line says, "Acceptance of farts," and I am a moron who totally accepts farts, so honestly people, what work do I really need to do?
I love people. Love them. Until I don’t. When that happens, I can’t be around them. But since I am a person, I have to be around me, because I can’t get away from myself. I wish I could. I get sick to death of myself too. It’s frustrating, but I’ve figured out how to... Read more »

F*&k you, Dinner. I still hate you.

The original title of my book was, “Fuck you, Dinner. Make Yourself.” I thought it was brilliant. The publisher didn’t agree. I understand. But that doesn’t change the fact that I fucking hate dinner, that I stand by comparing it to herpes, that it’s the fucking bane of my parental existence. Once in a while,... Read more »