This Sunday is Father’s Day. I’m not a father, but I think I speak for most men when I say that they would like to have the gift of sex on this upcoming Father’s Day. More than once if you are feeling particularly generous and find yourself with a few extra kid free moments. Seriously, that’s all it takes. I’m guessing they also want you to give them oral sex as well, but from what I’ve heard over the years, many women stop doing that after they get married, which I personally think is a shitty thing to do unless your husband has indicated he doesn’t enjoy it. If this is the case, there is probably a deep seated psychological reason he doesn’t want you to bob his bone OR you are just so terrible at it, he would rather just slip you the salami and call it a day. If he doesn’t want to have sex with you at all, maybe your vagina has teeth and he has been staying away from you because your lady parts bite, but from what I hear, this is very, very rare.
I digressed (digrossed too) there with the vagina teeth thing. Sorry. What I’m saying here is that I believe that in general, holidays are a very good time for married people to have sex. Especially married people who have children and have noticed a steep decline in their sexual activity (with each other that is). I am including the “Hallmark” holidays like Sweetest Day and every day on the calendar that indicates there is something to remember, celebrate or acknowledge, honor and notice.
Memorial Day? Sex.
Casimir Pulaski Day? Sex.
Boxing Day? Sex.
1/2 days of school for kid conferences or Teacher’s Institute day? Sex.
Rosh Hashana? Sex.
Secretary’s Day? Sex.
National Bologna Day? SEX. DEFINITELY SEX. (October 24th)
Don’t tell me you aren’t a secretary or you don’t have a secretary. I don’t care if you aren’t Jewish or Polish or Canadian either, because unless you have shit for brains, you know that I’m merely making a suggestion to increase the amount of sex you have if you are not having enough sex with your partner. Yes, it’s true. Some married couples are in a rut and the women just can’t figure out how to get back on the baloney pony! Some of you might not have the problem of not having enough sex. Have sex on these days anyway and celebrate your sexcessful sexual relationship.
June 24th is Carabobo Day in Venezuela. I don’t know what that is, but it’s fun to say. Say it with me –
Have sex on that day and wish each other a Happy Carabobo Day. Seal it with a kiss.
There are infinity times two reasons why people struggle to keep the fire burning. There are spiritual, emotional, physical, psychological and logistical reasons why couples drift apart. If, as a couple, you have in the past enjoyed a healthy sexual relationship and are finding that you are no longer doing so, I recommend that you consider my suggestion that a good way to kickstart your way back into regular rolls in the hay is to have sex on holidays. All of them. Even the weird ones like National Waffle Iron Day, which is on June 29th.
*This post does not apply to people with complex relationship issues or physical problems that are serious business and not to be mocked or minimized. You know who you are. Do your thing. (FYI, June 26th is National Forgiveness Day. It might be a great day to start a dialogue)
The rest of you? Today is Flag Day. You should totally fuck.
P.S. This isn’t the end of my blog post series on SEX. I haven’t decided how many posts I’ll do, but I have three more in the can waiting to share.
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