How often should married people have sex: Part one

S    Are you going to blog about this conversation?

Me    Do you think I should blog about it?

S    You should. It would be so funny. You are so funny!

Me    I know. I really am funny. Funny Nikki. Well….I might write about it.

S    Just don’t mention me by name, okay?

Me    I met you 10 minutes ago. I’ve had 4 glasses of wine at this cookout and I’m in a meat coma. I can’t even remember your name.

S    (Laughs and repeats her name)

Me    Right, right, right! (Repeats name 10 times – sings name -drums letter of name on table – screams name twice)

S    (Furrows eyebrows and listens to impromptu song about her name – cocks to the side like a confused puppy – jumps when hears her name being screamed out twice)

Me    What a pretty name! And it really suits you! By the way, you are absolutely gorgeous. That’s why your husband is always begging you to have sexy time with him, you know? (Repeats name 10 more times – launches into a little song about why S should have more sex with her husband – air drums – drinks more wine)

S    Why do you keep doing that? That singing and drumming?

Me    Just a thing that helps me remember names.

S    But you aren’t going to use my name in the blog.

Me    Nope! I told you I wouldn’t. I’ll probably forget it anyway.

S   So that thing you did doesn’t work?

Me    Not usually. But it’s super fun. You should try it.

S    You are a little strange.

Me    So I’m told.

S    I mean it in the good way, you know, the good kind of strange.

Me    Of course you did, Gorgeous. Of course you did.

S    I feel bad. I called you strange and you called me gorgeous.

Me    I am strange and you are stunning. This is an honest conversation.

S   You aren’t strange, you are quirky.

Me  Quirky means the same damn thing. It’s really just your attempt to make my strangeness sound charming instead of creepy, but it’s the same thing.

S  I’m sorry.

Me  You should be. You haven’t had sex with your husband in a month.

S    Do your friends get paranoid that you will write about them?

Me    No. Maybe? Probably. I don’t know. Hmmmm….

S    God, I would. I’ve known you for what, 10 minutes and I find myself unable to stop pouring out my heart to you.

Me    I get that a lot.

S    I can’t believe that I just told you about my sex life.

Me    You just told me that you have no sex life.

S    Right. But it felt so….like…UGH! Like I had to! I feel as if I could tell you anything.

Me    I get that a lot.

S    And you write about it.

Me    Sometimes.

S    I know. I read your blog. You are so funny.

Me    I know. We covered this. Remember?

S    I don’t think I’ve read anything you have written about a conversation like this.

Me    I’m sure I haven’t written anything about a conversation like this.

S    But you ARE going to write about it, right? YOU HAVE TO!

Me    I should. It would be a public service announcement, right? Husbands from around the universe would send me presents, thanking me for my wise words. Yeah. I’ll write about it.

S    But you aren’t going to use my name, right? Promise? I don’t want my husband to know I talked about this.

Me    Dude, honestly I can’t even remember your name.


P.S. “S” stands for stunning stranger. I really can’t remember her name (wink -wink).

P.S.S. Buy my BOOK by clicking HERE or HERE or going to the bookstore. My book is so good. So good. So good.

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