Finding parenting advice in peculiar places

If you do a Google search for the best parenting websites, you will not, I repeat NOT, come across my blog, which is a good thing, because I have no advice for you about parenting aside from the obvious stuff that even a toddler playing with dolls knows. But for some reason, my book gets lumped with the parenting books in bookstores. This got me thinking.

Dear's blasphemy!

Dear GOD……it’s blasphemy!

Maybe my book is a good resource for parents because it’s not about how to parent or what parents should be doing! My book is about how to figure out how who YOU are influences the way you raise your children. It’s about taking the good and taking the bad and taking the both and there you have the facts of life. You are singing that song now aren’t cha?

Not sorry.

Anyhoooo….I was thinking that since some goofballs seem to think that MY book could be considered a parenting resource, why couldn’t some of the books that influenced me as a parent (while freaking me out and entertaining me) be considered “parenting resources?” Here is my little list of books that in my humble opinion, could and for God’s sake should also be as parenting resources.

Children’s Crappy Art by Maddox

Fuck yeah most kid art sucks! You love your kid’s art and that’s okay. Love it all you want, but don’t expect other people to. This collection by Maddox smacks of truth, justice and the American way. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the pussification of kids today is shameful. We need to stop kissing their asses and treat them with the respect and honesty they deserve. If their art project sucks, it sucks. You don’t have to insult them and say so, but goddammit, don’t lie either.

Running with Scissors by Augusten Burrows

If Burrows could survive such a fucked up childhood, it won’t kill your kid to take out the garbage and unload the dishwasher and follow all the rules you set. So if you find yourself whining martyr-style about how nobody ever helps you around the house, yet don’t require jack-squat from your offspring, or constantly let them off the hook for being shits who break the rules,(because you think “kids only job should be to work hard in school and have fun” and “kids will be kids”) this book is a good read for you. You can learn from it. Unless you want to raise entitled assholes with no sense of what kind of time and effort it takes to run a household and earn the privilege of trust and true friendship. If that’s the case, skip it.

Lord of the Flies by William Golding

Yeah, yeah, this is a work of fiction, but don’t think for a hot second that this couldn’t or wouldn’t happen in real life. The lesson here is that kids are strong, capable, and resilient – and you should not underestimate them. EVER. They see and hear and understand life on a level that most of us don’t give them credit for AND it’s a good idea to remember that as a parent, nature bears just as much responsibility as nurture for who your kids really are. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Piggy!

Anne Frank: Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank

SHUTUPIFYOUDON’TUNDERSTANDJUSTHOWAMAZINGTHISHUMANBEINGWAS! This insightful and energetic young girl managed to maintain hope for humanity and emotional maturity beyond what most people achieve in a lifetime, all while locked up for two years, hiding from the Nazis. Her spirit could not be crushed despite the harsh conditions she endured. The lesson here is that kids have a wealth of resources within themselves that they can and should be encouraged to discover these wonderful gifts on their own. I am not telling you to lock your damn kids up for two years, but YES, teach them the importance of self-discovery via downtime, learning how to be alone and aware of their own thoughts. Being bored is a state of mind and the mind is a terrible thing to waste.

The Yellow Pages/ Your personal address and phone book

You need these books, or just the app and info stored on your phone – whateva! You need to know who and where you can call and go when you need help. Your kid is going to need a million different things, services and whatnot while he or she is in your care. Braces, pajamas, a root canal, school supplies, birthday cakes, etc. Look that shit up! And for crying out loud, reach out to people you know, love and trust for help and advice when you need it. The “experts” don’t know you or your kid, so why would you subscribe to a bunch of parenting magazines, websites or stock up on books that can only guess what’s popping under your roof? Because it suuuuucks when you are busting your ass to try and do what the “experts” say and it doesn’t work and then you feel like a big, fat failure because you couldn’t potty train your kid in 6 hours using Dr.Sticky-dung’s proven method. Pffthh..

Sooooooo anyway, for those of you who have been asking if I’m going on a book tour, the answer is NO. Not officially. But I am beginning the process of setting up events and signings here and there so if you want to set something up, feel free to contact me and we can git”er done and scheduled.

Just do it. Don’t miss a post. I’ll never email you spam or anything that ever has a picture of feet in it, because no matter what anyone else thinks, I believe that there are no pretty feet and I don’t enjoy seeing people’s pedicure photos on social media sites. Yuck. So what I’m saying is that I would never do that shit to you. EVER.

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