It’s all fun and games until it’s not all fun and games. Do you see where I’m going with this?
Do you look like this right now?
Let me explain. It’s my way of saying that writing a blog and peeling off pithy, off color rants on Facebook and Twitter (I am @queenofcussin and I free associate as if Twitter was Sigmund Freud) was all fun and games until I procured (can you believe I used that big word there?) a book deal and now it’s not JUST fun and games anymore. It’s business.
I’ve never had a head for business, but not so long ago, I did have a bod for sin. Now my bod is healthy, but not thriving with sinful deliciousness. Now? My head has miraculously made leaps and bounds toward understanding business.
Who knew I’d be better at marketing than f-ing? Certainly not me. But a girl has to make a living. Fine, a woman, a middle-aged woman has to make a living, right? And honestly I’m too tired to be a hooker or maintain a phone sex line, so I’m writing humor and parenting stuff instead. I know it would seem easier to talk dirty to perverts or give $5 dollar hand jobs, but that’s just not who I am.
So like I said, I want to write. I’m good at it and that’s what I’m going to keep doing. I started book number two and I journal as if my hand is a haunted crazy mofo with a mind of it’s own. But right NOW, the countdown to the launch of my first book, which if I have anything do to with it will NOT be the last, is in single digits. SINGLE DIGITS!
NINE DAYS NINE DAYS NINE DAYS NINE DAYS!
Including today, there are nine days until my book is officially available to the public (obviously I am also a math whiz. See how I added today to the count? But I don’t think I can make a living doing math so….) so because nine days isn’t a lot of days, I want to say a few things to you. Ready?
1) If you like my blog, you will like my book. Buy it here.
2) If self-promotion bothers you, I’ll be bothering you for a time, as part of this process if self promotion, marketing, etc. If I still had a bod for sin, I’d include cool pics of my boobs and hot bod in the latest bikini styles, but I don’t and you don’t want to see what’s going on under my Costco yoga pants and “Team Jacob” I bought at the Goodwill store in Lemont (which happens to be my favorite thrift store in the area)
3) If you want to win my book, get your book signed, hear me talk about random crap, you will need to stay abreast (I said breast, sort of) of my blog here, which will remain on Chicago now for the time being (even though I said I was leaving, I decided to stay and they agreed to have me a bit longer).
I have done the first giveaway. The winner is Cori Lastnamewithheldtoprotectherprivacy. A few days ago, I asked people to tweet, “@queenofcussin smells like beef and cheese” and the first person would win not only my book, but also a copy of “Fifty Shades of Funny: Hook-ups, Break-ups and Crack-ups.” YEAH CORI! I smelled a lot like beef and cheese that day and it was highly processed cheese that I procured (THAT WORD AGAIN!) from Portillo’s, which in my opinion is a slice of Heaven on Earth, and no, I am not being paid to say that or compensated in any way with free food, but I do have a story in the Fifty Shades anthology. I funny.
@queenofcussin smells like beef and cheese
— corivscori (@corivscori) March 22, 2013
There will be FOUR more chances to win my book and they will all happen this week. Each winner will also receive another little thingy, because I like even numbers and I have things I want to share and promote. Here are the things you get with my booky if you winny.
– SCARY MOMMY’S NEW BOOK! I have a copy in my fat, sausage fingers. I am very fond of Jill, I have met her and she smells amazing. I liked her immediately, but after she started her 501C3 charity, “Scary Mommy Nation” with the purpose of feeding hungry children and began promoting other Mommy bloggers more regularly, my respect for her became a perpetual lady boner. I consider her a friend and I wish her great success on with her second book, which is EXCELLENT and packed with brutal truths. The book is nothing short of a revelation and I believe that every new mom NEEDS this book and every experienced mom will love it and feel comforted by the truths Jill so expertly writes about.
– Wine glasses from Groovy Green Glass, a family owned company out of Myrtle Beach, SC, making glassware by repurposing glass bottles used in area restaurants. From drink ware to drink WEAR (their jewelry line); each item is handmade to the highest quality. Green is good. So are these wine glasses you can win with my book.
– “I Just Want to Pee Alone,” an anthology of humorous essays about motherhood by some of my favorite bloggers that was put together by Jen from the blog, People I Want to Punch in the Throat. I LOVED this book. A few of the stories resulted in a change of clothes for me. I. Wet. My. Pants. Not ashamed to admit it. Bethany from the blog “Bad Parenting Moments” owes me a box of Poise pads.
– Sweet Trade Soap for you dirty bastards. I use this soap and I want to share it with you but not because I think Gwyneth would approve and I feel sort of bad for skewering her in my last blog. All the soaps are hand made from natural ingredients and not rat poison. It smells like magic. This soap is the bomb-duck-dong. I use White Queen, The Kracken, Citrus Blossom, Scallywag and The Deep. My favorite is Citrus Blossom. It makes my lady parts smell like a vacation in paradise.
Not one of these companies or people is compensating me even a wee iota of iotaness for promoting them. They are just my choices and my favorites. I’m like Oprah with my favorite things, but I’m in a socio-economic bracket that precludes me from having the ability to give them to everybody who reads my stuff. I hope to eventually partner up with some companies and brands that have products that you want and can use and not the crap that people pitch to me on a daily basis. But honestly, I just don’t want to turn my blog into a commercial and tweet X number of times a day to earn a few extra bucks. I’d rather free associate about how sad it is for people who are lactose intolerant and talk about the meaning of life and how LinkedIn confuses the living fuck out of me.
So there you have it. Stay tuned in. At this time, book signings and appearances are as follows:
April 25th at 7pm at Anderson’s Bookshop in Naperville, Illinois. Drinking after the signing at Blackfinn American Saloon a few doors down. Booze, books, and bazinga. Here is the event page on Face-crack-book.
May 8th at 7pm at The Book Cellar in Lincoln Square, Chicago. THE STORE HAS WINE AND BEER AND FOOD. I will be reading from my book and doing a very intense interpretive dance to a medley of songs by The Pet Shop boys.
May 17th at the Hilton Hotel Bellevue in Seattle Washington. “Bedtime stories with Nikki Knepper” at Mamacon – A Conference for Modern Moms. I will be in the Seattle area all week and possibly doing other events. Details to come.
The weekend of June 28 at the American Association of Librarians Conference in Chicago – Humor Panel. I love the library like Justin Bieber loves showing his butt crack.
Printer’s Row Literary Festival in Chicago, Illinois, July 8th and 9th – Humor Panel. Details to come. I’m planning to brush my teeth really good for this event. I hear there is a lot of talking and I want to have fresh breath.
I AM OPEN TO DOING SIGNINGS ELSEWHERE – I just do not have anything else planned at the moment. My dream destinations include anywhere I am wanted and it’s really that simple.
If you are on the subway in New York today, my book is featured in the Metro paper with four others. Personally, I think my book is by far the best and so does my mom.
AND NOW FOR THE GIVEAWAY!
Today I will be giving away my book and Scary Mommy’s book to a lucky blog subscriber. Not a person who “likes” my Facebook page or follows me on Twitter, but a subscriber to my Chicago now blog. The winner will be chosen randomly this evening when my children pick a number between one and the number of subscribers I have and that person will be the winner.
Type your email address in the box and click the “create subscription” button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.