The first-born children are just for practice

Me: So how was practice?

Kid: Meh….nothing exciting.

Me: Well, did you have a good day at school at least?

Kid: Does anyone ever have a good day at school? It’s school, Mom.

Me: Man, who pissed in your Cheerios, grumpy-puss?

Kid: What? I’m just not in the mood for chitchat, okay?

Me: Well, you don’t have to talk then, but guess what? Your sister made jump rope warrior! She is very excited, so when you see her, congratulate her, okay?

Kid: Yeah, well let’s see how excited she is after jumping rope for an hour sweating her balls off for a lousy t-shirt.


Kid: You just can’t handle the truth.

Me: I cannot believe what a caustic attitude you have today and really, everyday lately. What’s got you so jammed up, home slice?

Kid: I’m not jammed up. I’m a realist. And I’m not in the mood for conversation right now, okay?

Me: YOU are a pessimist.

Kid: You say potato – I say tasteless root vegetable.

Me: Your sister gets excited about finding a dirty fruit snack on the floor at the grocery store. To her, potatoes are salty and delicious French fries.

Kid: Happy future heart attack and fat ass to her.

Me: Have you ever heard anyone call the firstborn kid a practice kid?

Kid: No. But I’m sure you are going to tell me a boring story about it.

Me: DING DING DING! Correct! I am. So, anyway, the firstborn child is the kid parents make the mistakes with. We screw up, worry too much, project our issues, hover, etc. The first kid really gets the shaft. Maybe that’s your problem. We ruin you first-borns with our unrealistic expectations and enabling. We turn you into high-strung, persnickety, dark and twisty little shits. So that’s where the term comes from. Parents practice on the first kid, totally screw it up and then learn from our mistakes and do better with the second, third, etc.

Kid: So you ruined me?

Me: Pretty much. Dad helped.

Kid: Can I sue you guys?

Me: I guess you could try, but there’s no precedent for this. You’d probably spend a million dollars and still lose the case. If you want to hear more boring stuff, I have some interesting and very good news for you.

Kid: Lucky me. I’m sure my mind will be blown.

Me: Yeah lucky you! Did you know that a large percentage of first-born children grow up to be very successful? CEOs and Physicians! It’s true! First-born kids tend to be over-achievers. Almost all the Presidents of the United States were either first-born or first-born sons or only children. Your chances of becoming the President are much higher than your sister.

Kid: Yeah? And so are my chances of getting assassinated. Or sued for malpractice or…

Me: MAN you are such a buzz kill! If you didn’t want to talk, why didn’t you just say so?

Kid: I did say so. Twice. You didn’t listen.

Me: Oh right you did. Sorry. See what I mean? Practice kid! I’ll get it right eventually.


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