Family traditions are important. My husband and I have been taking turns hiding this guy from each other throughout the month of December for the past 10 years.
We have no idea why he was given to us because we don’t sing in a choir, we don’t go to church, and we are white as rice. I’m actually a weird shade of pink most of the time. This guy has been hidden in some weird places and I’m not going to most revel them because ……fuck you, that’s why.
Anyway, one of our family traditions is that we do NOT do the Elf on the Shelf thing. Here are the reasons why:
1) I’ve spent far too much time trying to convince my kids that monsters aren’t real, that nothing is hiding in their closets or under their beds, that their toys aren’t alive, etc. Why the hell would I un-do all that work and tell them that a stuffed elf is creeping around at night?
2) Even if I didn’t have two kids prone to being scared, I wouldn’t be able to keep up with the elf nonsense. About a week ago, I got confused about the date of my birthday. MY OWN BIRTHDAY! So my children would always associate the elf with how flaky and inconsistent and unreliable their mother can be and I don’t think I need to give them another example of this to share with their future therapist.
In my opinion, if a family is going to have a tradition, that tradition needs to be a consistently enjoyable endeavor. The elf is just that for some, and there are parents out there rocking the elf and it’s making for some amusing and wonderful childhood memories and Facebook and Twitter posts!
Yay you guys!
But really, for the Kneppers, it is just a bad fit. Around here, nothing says Christmas fun like finding the African American choir boy hidden with my vibrator. I think that might be how he lost his left hand.
Ho, ho, whore!
And we do plenty of stuff for our kids so before some know it all butt sniffer starts getting bent about how my hubs and I leave the kids out and should start some tradition specifically for them, know that when you express your opinion about my choices, I value it as much as the snotty tissue my dog just fished out of the garbage can and chewed into soggy bits.
But I do love all the fun surrounding the elf and I’d love to give away a copy of this great book, “Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Humorous Angry Rants Regarding the Holidays,” written by one of the most clever and hilarious bloggers I know, Jen. So I am going to give ONE away. Only one.
No, you can’t post your photo, story or anything else on my Facebook page. No, you won’t ever be able to do so. Yes you can email me. Sometimes I reply to emails, but only if they aren’t stupid and full of requests for favors to pimp your blog, etsy story, vote for your baby in a photo contest, share a sob story about someone who needs money, etc. Seriously people, stop doing that.
But if you email me a great story about one of your twisted holiday family traditions, you can win a copy of Jen’s book. It’s funny, angry, heartwarming and rant-riffic.
Great book, great blog – you are missing out if you don’t get a jolt of Jen on the regular.
If your twisted tradition involves some creepy incest or other illegal shit, I will totally rat you out to the po-po.
The winner will be announced sometime this week on my blog, along with the story.
And speaking of great fucking books, tomorrow, December 9th, you can stop by as The Chicago Writer’s House sponsors an event at The Empty Bottle at 1035 N. Western Ave. in Chicago, for the Pop Up Book Fair. More than 20 book sellers and drinks that you can buy (for me? why thank you) Um…no brainer. See you there.
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Tags: Elf on the Shelf, Funny Elf on the shelf pictures, Lady Boner, Moms who drink and swear, Nicole Knepper, People I want to punch in the throat, Pop Up Book Fair, Spending the Holidays with people I want to punch in the throat, The Chicago Writer's House, The Empty Bottle, The Empty Bottle Chicago, why lady boners are cool