My to-do list for 2013

If I’m being honest, sometimes I wish I quit while I was ahead.

Don’t get me wrong, I love to write and I always have. I will always be a writer, scribbling down random thoughts, stories and poems like the one I wrote about walking my dog when I was super stoned and how I freaked out when she pooped on the lawn of a synagogue and I realized that I didn’t have a poop bag so I had to run home and get one because I couldn’t live with letting a turd sit on the lawn of God’s chosen people, and because there was a glowing red ring surrounding my feet until I picked it up.

You’d write about that too if that happened to you.

I used to write for me, just me. And maybe I would share something with a friend, but that was rare. Now what I write reaches a large number of people, the majority of which are strangers to me. Blog or no blog, book or no book, I’d still be writing. I love it so much. I need to do it. NEED!

But I do struggle with the uncertainty of it all because I do have a blog and I do have a book coming out. This life, this work, the strangeness of it all, especially right now is making it even more important for me to keep my shit together and my priorities straight.

2013 will crush me if I don’t make some changes.

I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions, but I do take some time at the end of each year to collect my thoughts in list form, so that I can figure out how to make the coming year one in which I will suck up as much experience and enlightenment as possible without having to suffer too much to obtain this wisdom. I don’t want to suffer. I want to purr like a kitten getting her belly rubbed after eating fresh salmon.

I will try to improve. I will focus on having more success in achieving the things I want to do and I will not beat myself up if I find myself sitting around at the end of 2013 not having made as much progress as I would have liked to, because a year is a long time, but it also isn’t.


So here is my plan, the 12 things I’m going to do different/ better / less in 2013.

1) I will accept compliments without shooting back a self-deprecating retort.
2) I will eat more fiber. I’m much happier when I poop.
3) I will listen better. Not just to words, but to people’s actions.
4) I will no longer suffer fools at all. Fools be gone. I’m through with you.
5) I will not put effort into relationships where there is little reciprocity.
6) Only those who deserve an explanation will get one.
7) One word: Squats
8) Two words: Sit-ups
9) Two more words: Flavored vodka
10) I will write down the sex dreams I have about Ray Romano.
11) I will try harder to get my kids to stop ignoring me and stop farting on them, shower more, quit being a fun sucker, bake some stuff from scratch.
12) I will be stupidly proud of my accomplishments, big and small by focusing on what I do right and not what I do wrong.

Whew! What a list, huh?

I have a few more things, but I don’t want to set myself up to fail. Believe it or not, all these things are going to be quite challenging for me, but I have a good attitude and a willingness to work hard.

I am so excited! I think each thing on the list can be considered very realistic and doable for me.

I do!

Well, except #2, #7 and #8. And probably #11 and #1. I guess #5 might also be a long shot, and since I’m a fool, #4 will be hard. How do I not suffer myself? Then there is #10 because I worry that one of my kids will find the journal and freak out because I’m sure I’ll have sex dreams about a bunch of other people too and my dreams are very vivid so if I write all of them down, I could blow their minds and I’d certainly be totally screwed with #11 even if I baked better than Betty fucking Crocker and never subjected either one of them to a Dutch oven ever again. If I prioritize #9, then I might have trouble with #3, right, so maybe I should change #9 to orange juice, with pulp and that would help me with #2.

This is going to be harder than I thought.

Happy New Year to MWDAS everywhere! Looking forward to 2013, meeting more of you as I promote my book and being here to make each other stronger, happier and more confident in our ability to fuck up our spawn as little as possible in the coming year.

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