I’m pretty sure that hanging out with Mom isn’t on my son’s top 10 list of fun ways to spend the afternoon, but that doesn’t stop me from trying to get one to one time with him. I do try to make the time we spend together enjoyable enough so that it’s NOT on his top 10 list of things that make him wish he was having his eyes plucked out by an angry beaver instead of chillaxing with me. So I was de-phucking-lighted today when he asked ME if I wanted to “hang out.”
BOO FUCKING YA!
You bet I wanted to hang out with him! So we watched a whole bunch of really cool skateboarding videos on YouTube and got to talking about superheroes which led to talking about comic books which led to us throwing out Sheldon quotes. You know Sheldon, from the television show “The Big Bang Theory?” So then we remembered that we hadn’t watched the latest episode on DVR which meant that popcorn and nerds would be next on the mom and son fun agenda.
When it was over he decided to play on the computer while I started cleaning up the dishes I had left to rot in the kitchen since the weekend. Neither of us bothered to turn off the television. Totally distracted by congealed bacon grease on cookie sheets, the sound coming from the idiot box was merely background noise to my kitchen nightmare. But my kid was listening and he had a question about what he heard.
Him: Mom, is there a difference between a prostitute and a whore?
Me: OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WATCHING?
He was watching the news. THE NEWS! And the big news story that caught his attention was about how secret service members were in big trouble for getting some sexy time with hookers in Columbia. I knew he expected an answer to his question and quite frankly, I was hoping that a quick answer would suffice and then I could provide some conversational distraction so that I could continue basking in the glow of having quality time with him that didn’t involve anything deep and important like talking about drugs, sex, friends and all the other serious crap good parents must address with their kids at the appropriate times.
Me: Listen, Kiddo, both words describe a person who has sex for money. There really do mean the same thing, however people who have a lot of sexual partners without getting paid for it are often called whores.
Him: Or sluts.
Me: Yeah, that too. And harlot, hussy, skank……
Him: Or politicians.
Me: Exactly. So do you have any more questions?
Him: Nah, I’m good. What’s for dinner?
And things went back to normal until the kids started fighting over who would lead the dinner prayer and my son apologized to Jesus for farting during it and I started humming the tune to “Soft Kitty,” because all the whore talk and arguing made me feel as awkward as this: