Not going to monkey around down there

Not going to monkey around  down there
This is as decorative as I'm going to get.

I’m so glad I was born in 1970. By the time I started worrying about my lady parts, there were a more than a few decent resources for me to find information if I had any questions that weren’t specifically covered in either this book:

“Growing Up and Liking It” by the pre-menstrual pals Patty, Donna, Ginny, and  The Personal Products Company

Or this book:

“Sex and the Teenager” by Ann Landers (which is STILL the coolest teen resource eva IMO)

By the time I was using my privates to benefit the greater good of society (and by society I mean me and whoever I was allowing to tend my secret garden at the time), women were talking about sex as casually as if they were talking about who had the moistest cherry bunt cake at the church bake sale, (see what I did there?) so I felt pretty comfortable asking my friends, my mom or Judy Blume questions when I had them.

However, recently this article hit the interwebbies (read please)

and reading it made me realize that didn’t know WHO to ask if I had questions about this new fad all the kids are trying these days, which is to make their girl parts super sparkly and sterile enough to be used as an operating table. Who was actually doing this kind of new- fangled vaginal decorating? I thought about my resources. Mom? Um, NO. I don’ t think so. Friends?  I’m 95.65% sure none of my friends like bling where they bang. Judy Blume? Nope. I Googled it. She’s not writing about vaginas at ALL these days.

Was this something I should consider? IF I wanted to do up my “doodle,” there was no limit to the creative and unique ways to do so, which is sort of cool. Maybe? I mean not only am I one of those creative types that thinks outside the box (see what I did there?). I’m also a pretty open minded gal. AND since and my nether regions have been beat all to hell by birthing babies and getting pounded by….well, you know, for almost 30 years, SHOULD I consider putting some beauty back into the cootie? I gave it a good think. I really did.

But then remembered that I don’t even like to take time to groom the parts of me that people actually see when I’m out and about or merely staying in and not about anywhere at all.

And I’m not a vagina model.

And the only person that sees my vaginais my husband and he usually only sees it for about 10 minutes TOTAL each month and it’s usually pretty dark.

AND I’m willing to bet he’s too afraid to say anything negative about it because as it is he never knows if he’s going to get his full 2 to 5 minutes 5 to 2 times a month. OH –  and THEN I thought about the fact that everything suggested to make my luscious labias more attractive involves inflicting pain via the use of chemicals, needles, blistering HEAT, yanking, sharp edges or jazzles, so why would I even CONSIDER the idea of baby-hole bleach?

The point here really is that I’m not nearly as open minded or creative as I thought myself to be, at least when it comes to the area below my belly button and just a tad above and between my inner thigh fatty fat pockets. I’m also not a fan of pain even if my confession about my addiction to the “Fifty Shades” series DID make me sound like I was considering masochism as a lifestyle. I’ve decided that I’m going to focus MY creative energy on my things that might have made my vagina less pretty and in the process really DID give the old girl parts a good damn dose of pain, but will probably benefit more from my creative energy – my children. My little freeloaders just love doing crafts with their Momma and spending a few hours making popsicle stick picture frames or puffy painting t-shirts has got to be less painful than stapling or searing stuff to my junk, right?

Oh -and I need stay creatively focused on writing my cool book, which so far has a considerable amount of information about vaginas in case anyone has any questions about the stuff I DO know about because when it comes to MY vag, this (photo below)  is about all the monkeying around I’m willing to do.


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  • Oh lawd! The product in the Jez article isn't intended for near-albinos like myself. It's crotch bleach. If I were any whiter where the sun don't shine, I'd disappear completely and my hubs would be ghost riding. (See what I did there? ZiNG!)

  • i see what you did. i love you.

  • THIS!
    My favorite line, "Judy Blume? Nope. I Googled it. She's not writing about vaginas at ALL these days."

  • In reply to MargitCrane:

    you flatter me. genius is not the word usually used when describing me. ever. see YOU in a month at Mamacon!

  • In reply to Nicole Knepper:

    Then you're gonna LOVE hanging out with me. I'm full of VERY sincere compliments and I love dishing them out. And I'll punctuate the compliments with cussing so it's not such a big shock to your system!

  • fb_avatar about men... let us all talk about horrible things wrong with penis's ....

  • fb_avatar

    Should I be disturbed that a friend pointed me toward your blog site *today of all days*?

    Must have been all the references to baby holes and being pounded in the dark. Either that, or the "crafts with kids" reference. ;)

    Do carry on.

  • fb_avatar

    Bling where you bang, huh? Hmmmm..must consider this. OMG I just had a vision of a pootang piercing and I ALMOST DIED when running into traffic because it scared me SO much!! I screamed out loud. The baby was like 'WTF did you scream for' even though she can't talk because she's only 9 weeks old.

    Fabulous blog, as usual :)

  • I thought everyone's vaginas were brown. My bad.

  • All I can say is, I just wonder if men would do similar nutty and painful things to their penises at the behest of women.

    I think not.

  • fb_avatar

    Well I have learned something today so thank you & I am not refering to the bleaching even though it was new to me. I am 30yrs old have never watched a porn nor have I ever had a sexual encounter with a woman so I have never seen another womans vag. Yes I have been in the bathroom with friends or even seen them get dressed for a night out but ya dont see what color it is...So with that said I always wondered if it was abnormal that my vag was brown...(I am white)....It really only bothers me not when when I go to do the trimming down there (which I do myself not by some estetician doing a brazillian) Although I cant really say I do myself either because I have been single for the last 2yrs so no man has been down below in that long so it hasnt been trimmed in that long! So when I have done the trimming I have wondered & honestly been grossed out by the color & wonder what men have thought! Now I can no longer have to be grossed out because now I know its normal! Whoot! Whoot! I have a normal vag & have nothing to worry about! Yeah! I mean how was I supposed to find out? Ask my friend? And then they are like ewwww brown OMG! Noooo I dont think so! So thank you Nicole for letting me know I am normal! Oh & why cant I post annonomysly? I had to create a fake FB page just to write this...I mean who wants all their FB friends including my mom, dad, Aunts, brother, cousins, & half my HS class to come to my page & read my comment!

  • This is my first comment on this wonderful blog. goes....

    After reading watching the Jez piece all I can say is WHAT THE FRACK????? (i'm keeping it clean (no pun intended) being a newbie and all). What's next? A blow torch and a sand blaster????

  • In reply to jwcooper3:

    both of those things would hurt. it's bad enough to deal with the blade and the wax. dear god..............

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