Morons and coffee

If I didn’t need to read books and journals about self-improvement for professional reasons, I wouldn’t.


Much like books on parenting or relationships, self-help books are often long, boring and not likely to be read unless one is in a desperate situation or looking for something SUPER specific. I’ve slogged through some absolute CRAP in the pursuit of knowledge that I could share with people, rarely finding anything that doesn’t fall under the category of “common sense.” But common sense isn’t common when one is dealing with the heightened emotions that go hand in hand with problems. And honestly, who the hell wants to Sherlock Holmes through 10 chapters of a book for to find that they were barely able to tease out a sentence or two of useful information?

That’s why I think all advice should come in pamphlet form.

Yes indeedy, a handy little pamphlet full of common sense, much like the one Thomas Paine wrote in 1776, would do wonders for people in crisis. People like ME. People who are out of coffee and can’t REALLY blame anyone but themselves for their situation, but have an inkling that if they had a little pamphlet of common sense for coffee lovers who are fucking morons, they wouldn’t BE in a TERRIBLE crisis.

And don’t tell me that being out of coffee isn’t a crisis, because for me, it’s a fucking crisis. I am out of coffee because I didn’t just get off my ass and go out and buy it last night when I knew there wasn’t any left. And the reason that I didn’t go out has to do with my complete lack of common sense. I chose not to use good sense, thinking that needing only one item didn’t merit a run to the grocery. It seemed like a waste of time and gas money and I was so cozy on the sofa and surely I would just go out after I got the kids off to school and……….

I just kept going. I am a moron. I hate everyone and everything when I don’t have my coffee. It’s not fair to me or the people I love to be so careless with their safety. Coffee makes me human. It’s the ONE thing I would kill for, well maybe not KILL, but certainly I’d consider acting like Jerry Seinfeld when he jacked that loaf of marbled rye off the old lady in the street.

I think I’d mug my own mother for coffee if she had the last cup. It worries me.

I should have thought of this before I traded common sense for couch time. What I think is that since I had no idea how it would FEEL for me not to engage in my comforting morning ritual, I didn’t THINK about the ramifications of my reluctance to use reason in place of relaxation. Like I said before, I’m a moron. I’m too old to make excuses about how my lack of experience allowed me to engage in denial and bad decision making. I know better. I knew better last night. But it’s not just me anymore! I have a family that I put at risk with my irresponsible behavior. But I love to read and I’m sure that if I had an instructional pamphlet, this would never have happened.

And this is really one of the main reasons why I try really hard to be nice to people when they act like morons. Aren’t we are all guilty of making bad choices no matter what the situation? Something small like not getting coffee is no different than something big like not checking your blind spot in traffic and accidently cutting someone off. Mistakes are made all the time. Stupid, stupid mistakes made when we know better make morons out of even the members of Mensa.

Therefore, in the spirit of embracing both my inner moron and the moronic behavior of those around me, I am getting my bitchy buns to the market to buy a shit-ton of that magical elixir that makes it possible for me to tolerate my own stupid face most days. At least when I’m caffeinated, I feel as though I have a fraction of control over the damage I inflict on the world and the chances of me not acting like a moron increase because my own behavior makes me feel particularly emphatic to the morons around me.

So if you see someone clumsy and agitated who is acting like a moron today, it’s probably me so you should really just keep your distance and not attempt to approach or comfort me. I said that I TRY to be kind to morons, not that I am successful in doing so, but I’m thinking about writing a pamphlet about this important subject after I’ve had my coffee. I’ve got a good feeling a lot of morons might read it. After all you read this jackass blog don’t you?



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  • fb_avatar

    This is a valuable public service announcement. Thank you!

  • In reply to Marian Stimson:

    i do what i can, marian. it's important to give back, right?

  • fb_avatar

    I don't drink coffee but I do drink Diet Mountain Dew and if I know I only have a couple of cans of soda left I SERIOUSLY have a panic attack and HAVE to run to the grocery store Immediately or I will have a nervous breakdown cause I don't have my caffiene!! This blog was 100% me if you only change the word coffee for Diet Soda.

  • In reply to Stacy Banks:

    oooooooooooo stacy, i recently had a coca cola after not having one in a long time. it was like the angels were singing and magical glitter was floating in my digestive system. mmmmmmmmm....i feel you.

  • I have a magnet in my office ..... Instant Human - Just Add Coffee

    Happy to know I'm not the only one that cannot function w/o coffee.

  • My name is Amber, and I am an addict..... lol. I know what you mean. I feel bad for my family when I dont have coffee.

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