Drama Momma plays Doctor Doom

Boy –      Mom, would you help me bandage up this cut on my knee? I think it’s infected?

Me-       HOLY SHIT! IT’S TOTALLY INFECTED! How did this get so bad? You have to tell me when you have a cut like this!

Boy-       I forgot.

Me-       YOU FORGOT? Dude, you could lose a leg from infections like this! How can you FORGET something like this? Z, come on now,  you are almost 12 years old. Do I need to check your entire bod from head to toe every day to make sure you keep your limbs until you reach 13?

Boy-       (Sheephish grin and shrug followed by screams) OUCH OUCH OUCH! MOM THAT HURTS OH MY GOD STOP!  (when Bactine hits the puffed up infected gash on his knee).

Me-       I’ll stop if you want to lose this leg to some flesh eating bacteria. You want that?

Boy-       No, but it hurts so baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

Me-       Well suck it up, Sucker and save the drama for yo momma.

Boy-       You are my momma.

Me-       That’s just what I tell you so that you don’t freak about being abandoned by gypsies on our front porch. No child of mine would let a wound fester like this. This explains why your real mom didn’t leave a note. No common sense. That or she couldn’t even write. Hard to say although I’ve often wondered about…………

Boy-       O.K. stop it! Please! I get the point and I’ll show you right away next time I get hurt. And by the way, I’ve seen the video of when I was born about a THOUSAND times so who’s the drama momma in this situation?

Me-       That video is all special effects. You think I can’t photo shop a video or use some bad ass computer program to make fantasy come alive? It’s getting REAL old the way you are constantly underestimating me and my mad skills.

Boy-       I underestimate you because you talk  like this all the time, Mom. It’s so weird. And annoying.  

Me-       There you go, calling me “Mom” again after I told you that I’m not really your mom. Now that’s annoying.

Boy-       Are you done? Can I go?

Me-       Yeah, you are all good for now but I can’t promise you won’t lose this leg ’cause it’s not looking good. Not good at all…..


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  • fb_avatar

    Nikki. I love you.
    Seriously, no one does what you do. Which is write about what is real.
    Keep on keeping on!

    Your fan,

    Michelle Drury
    Vancouver, WA

  • In reply to Michelle Back:

    awwwwwwwwww yes they do, i just write it all down. but thank you. i love that you are enjoying my nonsense. it makes my heart sing.

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    Love it and I thought I was the only mom that talked to her kids like this

  • In reply to Geanna Sly:

    geanna, we are everywhere. thank GOD. i'm just hoping we out number the pearl clutching judgy women who don't equip their kids with the skills for life.

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    No "pearl clutching judgy" mom here! Love it! <3 Ditto above comments! Keep it coming! :)

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    Oh. My. God... You are me. I should send your son my son's number so he can commiserate.

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    I LOVE this! I cannot wait until my 7 and 2-year olds are old enough to understand sarcasm! Right now, telling them I'm still waiting on their mom to come pick them up and remove their loud and smelly selves from my home is just really upsetting to them. One day they'll laugh...maybe.

  • This was hilarious! My older kids just roll their eyes, they try not to get me going but the youngest, 5, he's even catching on to me now! I used to get him with ages on toys. He wants everything, like most kids do and I would show him the box and point out the age and then ask him, "how old are you?" and he will tell me, "5" and I would say, aww, sorry kid, not yet, blah, blah...that would always satisfy him. Now, I show him, then I ask and he tells me he's 15 or whatever dumb number pops into his head! Kids are crazy fun!!!

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    your blog is truly my favorite. You totally crack me up and make me smile on a suck ass monday morning. Way to go girl. lol

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