Cheese please

Yesterday I was standing next to a GINORMOUSLY pregnant young lady while waiting in line at the deli. She was uber-muy-very pregnosarus rex as in HOLY SHIT SHE MIGHT DELIVER THE BABY BEFORE SHE GETS HER KRAKUS HAM preggers and young. Young as in a 20 something wrinkle free, tight perky assed, still got that doe eyed innocent look YOUNG.

I’m a talker so OF COURSE I instigated some chit chat. Turned out she was a fellow blabber-yapper. She was having a boy, planning to stay home, had been under pressure to breed as she and her husband were both only children. She was tired of everyone constantly telling her what to do and giving her unsolicited advice. She was two days past her actual due date and had been sent home from the hospital 3 times with false labor. She just wanted to have the baby so that her life could (are you ready?), “get back to normal.”

BA HAHAHA! MUAHHAHA (roll on the floor giggle, tears streaming down my cheeks) NORMAL?

I wanted to tell her that normal would completely cease to exist after the baby was born because newborns don’t give a flying fuckaroo about schedules and that well-meaning friends and family will never stop yammering on about not just her parenting skills but their own ideas regarding parenting in general. I wanted to tell her that wee people either make you wait or they make you late. Days and nights pass in a blur while plans on the calendar made pre-baby become mocking reminders of the previously unfathomable idea that something so precious, adored and tiny would become the source of things chaos. OF COURSE I didn’t.

My number was called and I got down to the business of lunch meaty goodness. I frequently shop with my cheese addict daughter so I am often asked if she would like a slice when I order up my usual ½ pound of cheddar. Seeing my empty cart, the deli server didn’t ask or offer ME a slice. Harrumph! I decided to ask her for one and she obliged.

I gave the slice to my pregnant soon to be sister-mom. I really wanted to tell her that the shit-ton of unsolicited advice from annoying friends and family MIGHT occasionally come in handy and that once she got her mitts on that crotch fruit of hers she would be questioning every stinking decision and wondering constantly if she was going to be the parent of a future bell tower sniper. I wanted her to know that the support and knowledge of other moms would save her discombobulated ass and likely what’s left of her crumbling sanity on a daily basis but OF COURSE I didn’t.

What I did tell her was that in my experience, a slice of deli cheese acted as a prophylactic against psychotic toddler meltdowns in the grocery store and would sometimes be the only thing that would buy her the additional 2-3 minutes of time with her flailing, overstimulated and completely freaked out toddler desperately in need of a nap before the situation was at DEFCON 1. I apologized for giving her unsolicited advice and took off to enjoy the blissful luxury of grocery shopping ALONE (except for the voices OF COURSE).

I hope her kid doesn’t end up to be lactose intolerant because deli cheese really the only free shit at grocery stores that kids will eat and I thought it was pretty good advice.

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  • Bloggoriffic as usual! I too have a hard time withholding my wonderful unsolicited advice (not to mention touching the belly!). I love how she used "back to normal" Wow- what must her life have been like before planning this crotchfruit? Because while "normal" may be a relative term- all sense of normalcy is gone!! Post baby body (regardless of perky ass and doe eyes) is a nightmare- no sleep, a squalling, red faced shitty ass infant that can't tell you why in the HELL they are crying..and breaking down in the kitchen over a crayola commercial is your NEW normal...

  • Excellent stuff, milady! I weep for the preggo chick though. See you later, life! Goodbye, peace and quiet!

  • In reply to sjwrightauthor:

    I've heard it said having a kid is like being grounded for 18 years. Or it's supposed to be anyway.

  • In reply to jtithof:

    LMAO. I just forwarded your one liner to all my girlfriends..."like being grounded for 18 years"...thanks for the laugh!

  • In reply to jtithof:

    Nikki, remarkable restraint on your part just to not laugh at her naivete. And nice sharing.

  • In reply to jtithof:

    "Crotch Fruit"

    You win the Internet today!

  • In reply to jtithof:

    hi Nicole,
    you are awesome and too funny! My friend is pregnant. I'm sending the link now!!

  • In reply to jtithof:

    Women are disgusting when they're pregnant - it's like, get away from me fatso, I don't know you.

  • In reply to gwill:

    wow. hope you never knock someone up.

  • In reply to gaybounce:

    Oh, I have (and will in the future).

    Feminists have given guys like me a legal out in this situation - it's called abortion. That way my woman still looks tight in public.

  • In reply to gwill:

    Aww look Nicole, you're so important now, you have your very own troll! Kind of a sad side of moving up in the world of blogging, but congrats nontheless!

  • In reply to keelyellenmarie:

    Huh, I'm giving my views on pregnant women. How is that off-topic or being a "troll?"

    Would've said the same things if it was somebody else. Got nothing to do with this mom who swears, could care less. But it appears you care a great deal of what this blogger thinks of you.

  • In reply to gwill:

    Actually, I could care less about what "a blogger" thinks about me... Nicole happens to be a friend. She just started posting over here and therefore has stupid obnoxious commenters for the first time (on her blog), which I saw as an interesting little milestone.

    And yes, coming over to say that pregnant women are ugly on a post that just happened to include a pregnant woman is pretty much the definition of being a troll.

  • In reply to keelyellenmarie:

    Here's my advice for you & your friend Nicole, the new blogger here -

    Man up, son.

    If you have an opinion on something and express it here (while tossing fuck and shit in every other line), expect people to express their views no matter how "stupid" or "obnoxious" or asinine you or Nicole may think it is.

    In other words, don't go around citing the Wikipedia page for the word troll every time you see a comment that you find objectionable. Come back strong and verbally pimp the ho you disagree with.

    Chicagonow will take out the comments that are too offensive. I know, I've been censored more than Westboro Baptist Church.

  • In reply to gwill:

    Um, fuck you.

    You aren't too offensive for me to handle. Or for Nicole. She's had plenty of people object to her in the past and she'll have plenty more.

    But you weren't even objecting or expressing your views on Nicole's post... you just came to share your INCREDIBLE insight that pregnant women are fat. Which I found to be off topic and an attempt to derail the comments into being an argument with you. If you intended it to be more than that, I think we all missed it.

  • In reply to keelyellenmarie:

    Fuck me? You wish ho.

    Seeing how tightly wound-up you are, perhaps you need the gwill special.

  • In reply to keelyellenmarie:

    1 more thing...if you want Nicole to join in for a 3some, that's all good. I'll pump the ugly outta her too.

  • In reply to keelyellenmarie:

    hello beautiful cousin and friend. i love that you have my back. go get 'em. grrrrrrrr tigeress!

  • In reply to keelyellenmarie:

    I freaking love this post! only 4 yrs ago, i was that 20yr old pregnant chick in the grocery store 4 days past my due date wanting my life to get back to "normal"...3 kids, and 8439082309480239480239 melt downs later...i now know!

  • In reply to gwill:

    Woah, Gwill. You took it too far. I was a fan when you were just zingy, but this is too much. Boo.

  • In reply to gaybounce: true and she'll learn like we all did!

  • My kid just turned 1. I'm still waiting for life to get back to normal. I expect this to happen around 2030 or so.

  • In reply to randomclaire:

    Yeah, then you'll get stuck with the grandchildren. It really chaps my ass that I don't have parents to stick it to!

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