50 Medium Rare jokes

Ever since March of 2020, I’ve been cautious to write anything comedic. My internal fear-based logic being, “How can you make jokes when (blank) is happening.” And for 15 months, it seems like we’ve had a pile of (blank) every single day.

I write today’s post not to be insensitive or aloof from all the bad news in the world, but simply as a distraction that I hope brings you a few laughs. And who knows, maybe by the end of this post, you’ll think, “Wait, I thought this was supposed to be comedy?”

So, without further ado, here are 50 Medium Rare jokes.


I went to a psychic the other day. He said, “Wow, I wasn’t expecting you.” I said, “Well, that’s not a good start.”

I went to a haircut over Zoom. Boy, was that a waste of $15!

My music teacher makes a lot of tone deaf Facebook posts.

I got athlete’s foot, but I’m no longer an athlete, so the doctor called it a foot.

My brother took his family to an Escape Room, but they couldn’t escape. So now they pay rent.

It must’ve been weird when Forever 21 celebrated 22 years in business.

Ever wonder if the weatherman is always right he just keeps jinxing the results?

94% of Americans said they would use angel food cake as a pillow. 6% said, “Please remove me from this email list.”

I approached a street canvasser and he said, “Sorry, not today.”

I’m a non-essential worker at an essential oils store.

I’d like to write a 1200 page novel called, “TL:DR.”

Ever wonder why the Caps Lock key isn’t written in all caps?

I saw a kid on a leash this morning. And I started thinking, “You know, that’s ridiculous. How can a parent do that to their kid. It’s terrible, society is just falling a–” Then I looked again and saw it was a golden retriever. Really need to get some new contacts.

Pontoon boats are the minivans of the sea.

I was shopping for a used FitBit, but didn’t want one with too many miles on it.

Our basketball coach used to take us to the eye doctor after games.

I saw a McDonald’s sign the other day that said, “Public Restroom now serving burgers.”

The President gave the State of the Union behind a grand piano. Boy, talk about tone deaf!

I love my job. I went in for my annual review and I said, “Honestly, I’d work here for free.” Haven’t seen a paycheck since!

I wrote a letter to my future self. I got back an “Unsubscribe.”

I put on a half-zip shirt then put on a zip up vest then zipped up my coat and went to work. The next day I went to work in a sleeping bag.

I went to Petco and bought a non-racist dog whistle.

They give people a lot of credit for losing weight but not enough for finding it.

What if Shaquille O’Neal was afraid of heights?

You ever let out a fart at work and it’s both silent and doesn’t smell? There’s this feeling of affirmation that you took a risk and it all worked out.

Do lawyers buy their clothes at “Law Suits?”

I started a new job at “The Grass is Greener on the Other Side.”

We label the bins in our storage unit to make it easier for the robbers.

Ice breakers are a terrible way to open a meeting of ice fishers.

I went to the national acne conference. Boy, were there some great breakout sessions!

My wife got a tote bag for her tote bags.

A salad a day keeps the taste buds away.

I returned my Boggle because there were too many typos.

I’ve been with the same woman for 50 years. Boy, is my wife not happy about it!

I told my friend I was really stressed at work and I needed to manage it better. What I realized was I really needed to “let go.” She said, “That’s great. What happened next?” I was let go.

Did you hear about the dog model who forgot to wear boots on the runway? It was a real fashion fur-paw

Our friend had a lake house on Lake Superior. Ours was on Lake Inferior.

I sleep with a weighted blanket. It’s nice to get that off my chest.

I went to the doctor the other day, but he didn’t help me at all. Just sent me to the library. Boy, I hate the silent treatment!

You ever been so lonely you start checking your spam folder?

The Tab key really missed a great opportunity to be the “Open New Tab” button.

I saw a commercial for a cheap razor blade company. Their slogan was: “Put some skin in the game.”

I’m allergic to Claritin. Boy, has that been hard to treat!

I had a pollster ask me, “Where do you stand on water skiis?” I said, “Well, pretty much right in the middle.”

I’ve met a lot of procrastinators but not a lot of anticrastinators.

I served as a General in the Army. But I was a better philosopher than a general. I used to tell my troops, “Time heals all wounds.”

I always feel weird putting veggies on top of a veggie burger.

I played Red Rover in the socially distanced era. Made it through every time!

Life is short, but death is a lot taller than I thought it’d be.

My low-point during quarantine was when ALEXA asked me to stand 6 feet apart.

Has your breath ever smelled so bad your colleagues asked you to go on mute?

Me and my brother got in a fight in Baghdad. It’s been hard not to say, “We fought in Iraq.”

I applied to be a security guard but they said I was too insecure.

Mel Gibson has been a real shell of himself ever since he changed his name to Shell Gibson.

I gave my son a piece of gum but he bit off more than he could chew.

I named my dog Peanuts just so I could say my wife is allergic to peanuts.

Thanks for stopping by the Medium Rare blog. Would love to hear which of the jokes were any good vs. which ones got crickets and should either be reworked or retired. Feel free to email me here. Will have a new post ready middle of May. Hope you have a great week!

Filed under: Comedy

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