Archive for November 2017

CNN and LaVar Ball just did a Seinfeld/Curb Your Enthusiasm episode

I occupy a weird place on the LaVar Ball Venn Diagram. I simultaneously love the guy AND think ESPN should stop covering him and Lonzo. Why do I love him? He’s an entrepreneur. He’s building a company that will make his kids a boatload of money. Instead of Lonzo signing with Nike, Adidas, or Under Armour,... Read more »

Thank you for your patience

It was a Sunday morning, and I needed to move $100 from savings to checking. I was sitting on the toilet, phone in my hand. I tapped my finger on the Chase bank app. When I clicked on the transfer option, here was the message I received: Thanks for your patience.  Who said I was... Read more »

Fifty shades of fear: Why it took me so long to publish

I talk about spending eight to nine years writing my novel Toilet Bowl, but that’s not really accurate. It wasn’t like I was waking up every day for almost a decade putting in a consistent three hours of work. There were spurts, then gaps, then spurts again. Two years ago I developed more of a strict everyday... Read more »

Farewell lol - The slow death of AOL Instant Messenger

It was 9 o’clock on a Monday night, and I was determined not to get caught. I tip-toed down the hallway avoiding any creaky step. I made the turn into my parents’ computer room, sat down in the office chair, took a deep breath. I was about ready to do what all 12-year-old boys do.... Read more »

Toilet Bowl took me nine years to write. Here's what I learned

Never listen to anyone who says writing a book is easy. That they have figured out a miraculous process that makes the whole experience quick and painless. That you could knock a novel out in a few hours of spare time. That type of advice is about as reliable as overnight abs or a recipe for the best-microwaved lasagna. The... Read more »

Who invented the urinal cake?

When I was a kid, I assumed the girls’ bathroom had couches, reclining chairs, and a butler carrying a tray of Capri Sun champagne flutes. Groups of girls would go in there, together, three, four at a time and stay behind that mysterious door for ten/fifteen minutes. Why so much time? My only conclusion: it... Read more »

It's never too late to like Bloody Marys

I grew up in the mid to late nineties. Back then “cool” was Brett Favre, Michael Jordan, and the Genie from Aladdin. What cool wasn’t, or at least what the elementary school was determined to prevent from becoming cool, was anyone smoking a cigarette. Instead of James Dean, my generation grew up with D.A.R.E. We were given the... Read more »