Category: Grief

Once Upon a Time I Had a Daughter

It’s that time of year again.  Tomorrow is my daughter’s birthday.  She would be 13.  Should be 13, except she hasn’t celebrated a birthday for nine years, since she died from a rat bastard aggressive brain tumor at four years old.  Donna has been gone for over two of her lifetimes, but here I still... Read more »

If You're Having a Miscarriage, Don't Expect Walgreen's Pharmacy to Help You

Last week I mentioned that I am angry all the time these days.  All.  The.  Time.  Today’s outrage comes after a casual perusal of the news.  I just learned that an Arizona woman, after being told by her physician that her body was in the midst of miscarrying her fetus, was given the option of... Read more »

Moss and Lichen

I stood over my daughter’s open grave and thought to myself, “It will be okay.”  The calm and peace I felt was so ill placed, but undeniable.  I remember thinking that the peace was welcome, but it was tinged with guilt, because what kind of mother experiences peace in that moment?  Sigh, always with the... Read more »

The Ghosts of Christmas Past

Next week is Christmas.  As the mother of two youngsters, it is supposed to be a joyous, happy time of year.  More realistically, it is supposed to be merely a busy, stressed out time of year.  But, for me, I keep thinking about the last Christmas shared with my father. Cue the tears.   Technically speaking,... Read more »

Mothers Dying: It Ain't Right

It could be the gray skies and damp, chill air.  Maybe it’s because it is All Souls Day.  Perhaps it is just my morose mood as I gird myself for the upcoming daylight savings time change this weekend.  Winter is coming, yada yada yada.  Whatever the reason, right now I am thinking a lot about... Read more »

I Miss Being Mothered

Today is my Mom’s 83rd birthday, except she hasn’t celebrated a birthday past age 70, when she died.  That’s almost thirteen years of not being mothered.  I miss my Mom, but more and more, I realize how much I miss being mothered.  Selfish as it is, I miss those things my Mom provided me. There... Read more »

Memorial Day With Matter

Today is a day we set aside to honor and remember those who have died in service to this country of ours, our beautiful and deeply flawed America.  I don’t really think of myself as coming from a military family, but just a moment’s reflection proves me wrong.  My Dad served in the Army.  My... Read more »

When the Acorns Find Me

The definition of skeptical is, “1) not easily convinced; having doubts or reservations.  2) relating to the theory that certain knowledge is impossible.” Skeptical pretty much sums up how I feel about the idea of an afterlife.  But I can’t claim atheism, because just as I can’t say God exists, I can’t say He doesn’t... Read more »

Ten Years

Last week marked the ten year anniversary of our daughter’s cancer diagnosis.  Ten years is a long time.  And yet, somehow, I can transport myself to Donna’s bedside at the hospital the morning we got the diagnosis, as if it were only a few days ago.  The fear and dread and helplessness and growing pit... Read more »

What a Muddy Backpack and Stuffed Rooster Taught Me About My Mothering

My eight year old son is a child sized version of an absent-minded professor.  I am constantly reminding him to keep track of his things, not to lose his things, and to stay on top of his things.  “Things” being the all inclusive umbrella term for the trappings of boyhood — backpack, handheld game system,... Read more »